


Bound By Fate

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilbo is Fíli's caretaker, Drug Addiction, Fili & Kili are NOT related, M/M, Not sure where this story will go :D, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Thorin is not related to Fili
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-04-14 10:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 42,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4560570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ON HIATUS. NOT SURE WHEN/IF I WILL FINISH THIS. READ THE WRITER UPDATE FOR MORE INFO.</p><p>Kíli is struggling after the end of probably the most important relationship of his life. Totally lost, he finds himself moving back in with his parents in Erebor, where he is haunted by past memories of the death of his uncle and at the same time lifted up by being back with his family and friends.</p><p>Fíli is a recovering drug addict with a difficult past in which his parents disappeared when he was young, and even though things are going well, he doesn't feel quite happy. With help from his friend and caretaker Bilbo, he tries to find out why. Or does he already know?</p><p>Follow me on Tumblr to get to know some random ideas and thoughts I sometimes have for this! :D http://myforlornplace.tumblr.com/</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Writer here! I honestly have no idea if this story is going to work out, let's just hope it will :D This is the prologue, I hope I can manage to make the actual chapters about 2000-3000 words each, and add a new one every week or so. Kudos and feedback are hugely appreciated! Also, if you have ideas for this story, send me an ask on Tumblr :)

‘Shut up. I don’t want to hear of it.’ Kili said, clenching his teeth. His mind was clouded with anger, frustration but most of all with heartfelt sadness. 

‘You don’t want to hear of it?’ Tauriel shouted. ‘Would you rather continue this fake relationship for another 2 years?’ She sighed and turned away from him. ‘Face it Kili. What we once had… is gone. I can’t do this anymore…’, she said and Kili heard her voice trembling. 

Instinctively, he walked over to her and gently placed his hand on her shoulder. He cowered when she flinched away from his touch. 

‘Don’t do that, Kili’, she whispered. ‘I don’t want this to be any more difficult than it already is.’

‘Just tell me why’, Kili said, barely able to hold back his own tears. ‘Why now?’

Something came over Tauriel when he asked her that question. Her attitude changed, she lowered her shoulders and there was a certain light in her eyes that hadn’t been there before. After a silence that seemed to last for an eternity, she spoke.

‘There is someone else.’

Though her words were soft, they hit Kili harder than any hammer ever could. He stumbled back, feeling like he was going to faint. He blinked a few times and reality returned to him. Tauriel was cheating on him. Questions started piling up in his mind. 

‘How long? Do I know him?’ he asked hoarsely. ‘I need to know…’ he added when he saw Tauriel shaking her head, her eyes watering. 

‘H-his name is Legolas…’, Tauriel said after another excruciating silence. ‘He is a c-colleague of mine, at the office.’

Kili nodded absentmindedly, realising that he actually didn’t care who it was. ‘How long?’, he asked again.

‘Two m-months’, she whispered, unable to look Kili in the eyes. ‘I’m so sorry… I don’t expect you to forgive me.’

Kili’s thoughts were all over the place. He couldn’t think straight, his emotions were all tangled up in each other. Waves of fury and sadness were making his mind foggy and ‘get out’ was all he could say to Tauriel. He couldn’t even bear to look at her when he said it.

‘Kili… please’, Tauriel started, tears now streaming down her pale elven face. ‘I- I have nowhere to go, it’s past midnight…’

Kili only heard half of her words. He sat down on the bed, ignoring Tauriel’s pleading cries. ‘Get out’, he just kept repeating. After a while, he heard Tauriel packing her bags and then she left. 

For a while, Kili just sat there, staring at the walls of his apartment in Dale. He wished his uncle Frerin was here. That he would comfort Kili like he always used to, back in the day. Kili cried himself to sleep later that night. 

The months after that were probably the worst of Kili’s life. Even with Tauriel, they had been struggling to pay rent for the apartment every month. Now, with Tauriel gone, Kili was forced to work more, sometimes day and night. The first month, that went alright. Although it always left him exhausted, Kili was somewhat glad he was forced to work, because being in his apartment only reminded him of the events of that night. 

But then, some weeks later, Kili was called to his boss’s office, and he was told that he could not be offered a prolongation of his contract, because he was too expensive to pay for. In a rush of fury and frustration, Kili smashed a vase in his boss’s office. Afterwards, he had no memory of him doing that. That night, Kili cried himself to sleep again. 

The following weeks, Kili tried desperately to find a job, but wasn’t successful. And when the moment came to pay rent, he did not have enough money. 

‘Please Nori, just give me one month, I promise I’ll have the money then’, Kili begged. The landlord sighed, but agreed. A month later, Kili did not have the money he promised he would have.

‘I’m sorry lad’, Nori said and Kili could tell that he was truly hurting. ‘I’ll give you one week to find somewhere to stay, but other than that there is nothing I can do…’

‘I understand. Thanks, Nori’, Kili said and he closed the door. Once more, Kili cried himself to sleep.  
6 days passed, and Kili still had not found a place to sleep. The inns in town were all full, and hotels were too expensive. The ‘friends’ he thought he had let him down as well. For a second he even considered calling Tauriel, but he quickly set his mind off that foolish idea. There was only one more option. 

‘Mom?’ Kili asked. 

‘Kili? Is that you?’ Dís sounded from the other end of the phone. ‘Kili, my boy… what’s happened?  
We haven’t heard from you in months!’

‘Can I stay with you and dad for a while?’ Kili continued, ignoring her question. ‘I’ll explain later.’

‘Of course you can, Kili!’ his mother called out. ‘Will Tauriel be coming with you?’

Kili’s stomach turned. ‘No, mom. I’ll explain later, as I said.’ he said quickly and he hung up the phone. 

He started packing all his belongings and he stepped outside into the city of Men. Dale was a big and important stronghold, and even though Kili was not the only dwarf living in the city, he had never felt more alone. Especially over the past months, he had learned to be wary of elves and men, creatures who valued wealth and reputation above anything else. 

He breathed in the fresh air and walked to the station of Dale, where he took a train to Erebor, where his mother and father lived.

~

‘I told you, you won’t find anything’, Fili said, getting annoyed now by the dwarves thoroughly searching his room. 

‘It’s just protocol Fili’, Bilbo said reassuringly before he shot Fili a stern look. ‘And do I need to remind you of the last time we searched?’ 

Fili grumbled, knowing Bilbo had a point. ‘No. I remember. But that was 6 months ago! And you know I’m clean!’

‘I also thought that 6 months ago’, Bilbo said, and Fili saw a flash of disappointment going through his eyes. He hated that. He hated seeing Bilbo disappointed in him. But he really was clean, 6 months and counting. 

After a while, the two gave up their search and walked over to Bilbo.

‘Nothing’, one said. ‘The lad is clean.’ Fili tried to see what was on the form that the bloke gave to Bilbo. This was the first time he was clean for half a year, he wondered what his new freedoms would be. 

‘The lad has a name’, Bilbo said to the dwarves, obviously not amused by their attitude. Though they didn’t seem to care, and left Fili’s room. 

Fili waited in anticipation as Bilbo was looking over the form. ‘And?’ he asked when he couldn’t wait any longer. ‘What’s changing?’

‘How about we talk about that over dinner at a restaurant in town?’ Bilbo asked and he smiled widely at Fili, whose eyes widened. 

‘I can head into town again?!’ Fili yelled in surprise. For the past six months he had been stuck in the same building, not allowed outside, except for the garden that was part of the premises. It had been difficult, especially because Fili was someone who loved being outside and seeing new things. When he was younger, he always dreamt that he would be the first dwarf to set foot in every kingdom in Middle-Earth. When his parents disappeared into nothingness, that dream disappeared with them. Fili ended up in an orphanage where he would grow up to be a miserably depressed teenager. Things only got worse when he got into petty crime, which later turned into drug use and drug dealing. At a certain point, it had gotten so bad that he was kicked out of the orphanage, and he slept on the street for weeks. But then, one day, Bilbo came along. For some reason that Fili still did not quite understand, he helped Fili and became his caretaker at a rehab clinic in Erebor. That was almost 2 years ago now. The first year of rehab had been horrible, and many times Fili had disappointed Bilbo by still managing to get a fix every now and then. But Bilbo never gave up on him, and instead only tried harder. A year ago, Bilbo forbid Fili to leave the clinic, and even though that helped, Fili managed to get another fix 2 or 3 times. He hated himself for that. Still did. But things were going to be different from now on. He wouldn’t disappoint Bilbo any more. 

‘Yes you’re allowed into town, but only when you’re with me’, Bilbo emphasised. 

‘I understand’, Fili said truthfully. He knew that if Bilbo let him go into the city by himself, things would go bad again. He was too weak. 

Bilbo smiled at that, but his face quickly turned serious and he stepped closer to Fili. Fili looked away, as serious talk was another thing he was bad at handling.  
‘Look at me, Fili’, Bilbo said. Reluctantly, Fili turned his head to face Bilbo. ‘I really think you deserve this, I really do. You’ve been working really hard and I would hate to see it all go to waste. Please don’t make me regret giving you this freedom.’

Fili didn’t think he deserved it at all. He was happy nonetheless, but he was also terrified that he would let himself go bad again. But he didn’t say that to Bilbo. Instead, he nodded and said, ‘I won’t, Bilbo.’


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, wow, thanks everyone for the support so far! Almost 200 hits and over 30 kudos on the Prologue alone! That's amazing :D
> 
> Just a quick heads up: In this story, Thorin is not related to either Fili, but he is Kili's uncle. And none of them is a royal descendant of Dúrin. 
> 
> (another heads up: English isn't my first language, so if you see any weird sentence structures or wrong collocations or anything, feel free to let me know so I can change it!)

It had been 4 months now since Kíli had left Dale. He had found it incredibly strange to come back to Erebor, where he grew up. About 3 years ago, he was living in his own apartment in the Lonely Mountain, always close to his friends and family but still independent. When he started seeing Tauriel, things quickly looked like they were going to change. She had come to Erebor to visit a long lost Elven relative, and when Kíli met her in a bar one night, he fell hopelessly in love with her. The way she smiled at him, the way her long red hair framed her beautiful face… She was perfect to him. And to his surprise, it seemed that she was interested in him as well. Romantic relationships between Dwarves and Elves were not exactly… common. 

But they fell in love, and a few months later they impulsively moved in together in the city of Dale. At first, Kíli didn’t want to leave the mountain, but he knew Tauriel would be unhappy there, even with him by her side. He knew how much she loved looking at the stars in the night sky, and he couldn’t take that away from her.

And for the longest time, they were happy. 

Kíli rubbed his eyes and yawned loudly as he stretched his arms. It was Saturday, and he had a day off from his new job in the mines. Still groggy, he entered the bathroom, took his clothes off and entered the shower. The warm water woke him up gently, and his brain started running. 

He froze when he remembered what he dreamt about when he was asleep. Tauriel. And for some reason, Uncle Frerin was there too. He tried to remember what the dream was about but the more he thought, the more it slipped away from him. 

‘Damn it, Kíli’, he muttered to himself. ‘I thought you were over her!’

That was the truth, he hadn’t actually thought about Tauriel for weeks. The initial pain of the breakup had slowly faded away, as Kíli had started to realise that it had been for the better. Though the way they had departed had left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. He was still angry with her, but he had hoped it could have ended on better terms. He wanted to call her, to ask if she also felt the need to talk, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to give her the wrong message. And she had probably forgotten about him anyway, she was probably happy with… uhm… with that other guy. Kíli didn’t remember his name.

Kíli got out of the shower and dried off. He flexed in the mirror, noticing with a grin that he had muscled up a bit. If there was anything that his job in the mines was good for, it was his self-esteem. For the first time in months, he actually thought he was looking quite… well, attractive. 

There was a sudden knock on the door that startled Kíli, who instinctively grabbed a towel and held it in front of his privates. 

‘You almost done admiring yourself?’ the voice of Heptifili sounded. 

Kíli felt his cheeks turning an impressive shade of red. How on earth did his father know what he was doing?

‘Good one, dad,’ he said nervously. He quickly got dressed and left the bathroom, where his father stood waiting with a bundle of clean clothes hidden under his arms. 

‘Morning, son,’ he said with a kind smile. ‘Sleep well?’

‘Yeah, alright,’ Kíli replied, deciding that he didn’t want to tell his father about the dream. He headed past his dad and quickly ate a bowl of cereal. That was something he had missed dearly when he was in Dale. For some odd reason, the race of Men had not yet discovered the heavenly breakfast food, and it had taken Kíli quite a while to get used to waking up without the prospect of a nice bowl of cereal with milk.

He checked his phone and noticed that Dwalin had sent him a text asking if he wanted to get lunch later, as he had a day off as well. Kíli smiled, texting back that he did. 

Dwalin, son of Fundin, was Kíli’s best friend. He was a big and intimidating fellow, even as a kid. In elementary school, he was also one of the first kids to grow a proper beard. That’s when he met Kíli, and they were instantly sworn enemies. Dwalin was popular, persuasive, mean and picked on the kids in class he deemed ‘weak’. Kíli, who was also considered popular, was the only one who stood up to him and defended Dwalin’s victims. Dwalin had found that quite amusing, and had started teasing and bullying Kíli instead. This had resulted in a sort-of war between the two, with neither ever considering talking it out.  
However, one day when Kíli got out of school a bit later than usual because of detention (maybe adding pepper to the teacher’s coffee wasn’t the best idea), he found Dwalin, hiding under the stairs, crying.  
Kíli was so shocked to see his nemesis so small and vulnerable, that the only thing he could think to do was try to comfort him. Dwalin was just as shocked when he realised that Kíli was not taking this perfect chance to embarrass him. As it turned out, Dwalin’s mum and dad were divorcing, and Dwalin was devastated about it. Kíli walked him home and the next day he didn’t tell anyone what he had seen. Dwalin also didn’t pick on him anymore. In fact, he even started hanging around Kíli more, who quickly noticed that Dwalin was only sturdy on the outside, and was in fact one of the gentlest people he would ever get to meet.  
Rather quickly, they became best friends and throughout middle and high school they were pretty much inseparable. Dwalin hadn’t been thrilled when Kíli left for Dale with Tauriel, but they always kept in close contact. 

Kíli was just putting away his dishes when his dad walked down the stairs in a ridiculous dark-purple suit, embroidered with yellow gemstones. He was obviously trying to hold back a blush of embarrassment, at which he failed miserably. 

After staring at his father with an incredulous look, Kíli burst out laughing. ‘Dad! By Mahal’s beard, what are you wearing?’ he called out. 

Heptifili’s face became an even darker shade of red and Kíli heard him mumbling something inaudible before he said, ‘Meeting with some Elven bunch about a deal. Balin said I had to look… impressive.’

Balin, who was Dwalin’s much older brother, just happened to be Heptifili’s boss. He was probably one of the wealthiest people in Erebor, being the CEO of the leading company in gem-export. And although he had an undoubtedly important role in the running of the business, he was simultaneously one of the funniest and immature people that Kíli had ever met. 

‘You sure he’s not pulling a prank on you?’ Kíli half-joked. Though Balin loved pranks, embarrassing his right-hand during an obviously important meeting seemed extreme, even for him.

His dad grumbled something back, which Kíli wisely interpreted as a sign to drop the matter. ‘So, what’s the deal about?’ he asked instead, despite knowing the answer. 

‘You know I can’t tell you, lad,’ Heptifili said as he frowned at his son. ‘Mahal, you remind me of Frerin when he was younger. Always asking about things he knew he wouldn’t get answers for,’ he continued with a sigh before letting out a deep chuckle. 

Kíli smiled, though the mention of his mother’s brother upset his stomach lightly. It always had, and it always would. 

‘Anyway, what are you up to on your day off?’ Heptifili asked while he threw on a long black coat, obviously to hide his preposterous outfit for when he went out in public. ‘Going out tonight?’

Kíli knew his dad was trying to be subtle, but he couldn’t help cringing. The first few months that he had been home, his mom and dad were very much in agreement with him that he needed some time for himself, not ready to jump right back into a relationship. The past weeks however, they had tactfully been shooting him subtle hints that they thought maybe it was time to get back out there.

Get back out there. Such a weird phrase, Kíli thought. 

‘Don’t know,’ he said curtly. ‘Going to lunch with Dwalin later.’

‘Oh!’ Heptifili almost yelped, smiling as he got the message that Kíli was not in the mood for relationship counselling. He cleared his throat and said, ‘That’s great,’ in normal pitch again. ‘You’ll be home for dinner? Your mother will finish her shift at the hospital this afternoon, so it’ll be the three of us.’  
‘Yeah,’ Kíli answered, feeling a bit guilty about his unkind reply. ‘Good luck with the deal, dad. I’m sure those Elves will be mighty impressed once they see you in… uh… whatever that you’re wearing.’

Heptifili blushed again but thankfully, he laughed. ‘Thanks, lad. See you later’. And with that, he left.

Kíli stared at the door rather sheepishly for a few seconds, before realising he was actually considering going out that night. ‘Mahal…’, he muttered to himself, not liking the fact that his parents’ plans were looking like they were going to succeed. He had a few hours before he’d meet up with Dwalin, so he decided to put his possible plans for the rest of the day aside and read some instead.  
The literature he was reading was about the history of the Lonely Mountain from when the first descendants of Dúrin set foot in it, ages and ages ago. Back in Dale, the libraries were full of books of fiction. Made up stories which sometimes weren’t even possible time- or space wise. That had greatly confused Kíli at first. Books were only meant to teach you things about the world, he thought, not understanding the appeal of reading something, knowing it was not real. Tauriel had talked him into reading several fictional stories, and to his surprise he found that he did not dislike it, but he still preferred books of fact and history. 

Time flew by and before Kíli knew it there was a heavy thump on the door. Kíli was startled at first by the sudden noise reverberating slightly through the apartment, but his lips curled up in a grin as he knew that his friend was here. He put away his book and almost jogged towards the front door. On his way, his stomach growled violently. Huh, he hadn’t realised he was so hungry.

He swung open the door, smiling widely at Dwalin, who smirked back in response. Dwalin was a bit shorter than Kíli, but definitely much wider. Kíli didn’t think he had ever seen someone with as much muscle mass as Dwalin. The sides of his scalp were shaven, but in the middle a black mohawk stood up. His thick long beard was braided and decorated with simple beads here and there. Kíli took a step back to let Dwalin step into the apartment before giving his mate a friendly hug. 

‘You look healthy’, Kíli said after he let Dwalin go and studied him a little. Dwalin, being a strong fellow, had a job in one of the lowest mines in Erebor, where the rocks were harder and sturdier than anywhere else in the mountain, so he had to work long shifts to make the work at least somewhat worth the effort. This resulted in him being almost continuously overworked, and even though he always said he was fine, Kíli couldn’t help worrying at times. 

‘It’s called sleeping, lad. You should try it sometimes,’ Dwalin said with a snicker. 

Kíli laughed. ‘Apparently sleeping doesn’t only make you healthier, it also makes you sassier,’ he said, causing Dwalin to snicker again. ‘So, where’d you wanna go?’

‘I’m up for some of Bombur’s meat pie, you?’ Dwalin suggested.

‘My mouth is already watering,’ Kíli replied with a smirk and he locked the apartment’s door after they both stepped outside. 

Well, maybe outside wasn’t the right word to use when you were in a mountain.

They stepped into the wide corridor along which Kíli’s parents’ apartment was situated. It was a wide and high hallway made out of grey, smooth rock, flanked by large metal poles with permanently burning lanterns on the ends. It was a dark and murky place, but then again, every street in Erebor was dark and murky. Kíli was used to the atmosphere, as it was his home, and quite frankly, he enjoyed it. 

‘Hey Kíli, wanna go out to Thorin’s tonight?’ Dwalin suddenly asked after a while of walking together in silence.

For a split second, Kíli thought his parents had set him up, that they had talked Dwalin into persuading him into going out. He quickly trashed the thought, knowing it was ridiculous. ‘Uhm yeah, sure,’ he said blankly before really thinking it over. But then again, Thorin’s café wasn’t exactly a wild night club either. 

Dwalin frowned at him, and Kíli shot him a reassuring grin. ‘I could do with a good pint of ale actually.’

Dwalin laughed, a heavy rumbling sound coming from deep within him. ‘You sure about that? I remember last time we went out you swore never to drink beer again. And Tauriel wasn’t too happy either…’ He stopped suddenly, and hunched his shoulders a bit, like a kid who had been caught stealing a cookie from the jar. 

Kíli laughed. ‘Oh come on, Dwalin. Chill the fuck out. I’m over her,’ He said it with enough confidence to wring a smile out of Dwalin, but not with enough confidence to convince himself. 

They talked some more about last time they had gone out, and established that Kíli indeed wasn’t the best with alcohol. Dwalin blamed it on the fact that Kíli still had not much of a beard, at which Kíli pretended to be horribly offended. He was content with his stubble. 

Not much later they sat down in a booth at The Onyx, a small café which also served lunch. Dwalin knew the owner, Bombur, whose brother Bifur was a fellow miner, so he always got a discount on his meal. Despite it being a rather small place, The Onyx was massively popular, mostly because of its signature dish: Bombur’s Meat Pie. Stories said that the recipe was centuries old, passed down from generation to generation, now in Bombur’s hands. What exactly was in it, no one knew. But as long as the meat was good, Dwarves didn’t really care.

That was actually a famous Dwarvish phrase. “As long as the meat is good.”

They ordered their food, and while they were waiting, Kíli couldn’t keep his mouth shut anymore. 

‘So, Dwalin,’ he began. ‘Remember that I said I was over Tauriel?’

Dwalin raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Uhm, yeah, like 2 seconds ago.’

‘Well,’ Kili continued, kicking himself mentally for not even thinking beforehand how he would put this. ‘I am. Over her, I mean. I think. I kinda had a dream about her last night, though.’

Dwalin’s frown disappeared and he leaned back. ‘So what? I have dreams about my exes all the time. Always wake me up rigid as a rock…’

‘Uhm, yeah, okay Dwalin,’ Kíli quickly interrupted. ‘Thanks for putting that image into my brain. But it wasn’t a dream like that. I don’t remember what it was about, or what happened, just that she was in it.’

Dwalin continued to look at him, as if he was waiting for Kíli to say more. And Kíli did. 

‘And… Uncle Frerin was there too,’ Kíli mumbled more than he said it. He averted his eyes when he saw a look of concern appearing on Dwalin’s face. 

‘I thought those dreams had stopped,’ Dwalin said, trying to mask the worry in his voice. 

‘I thought they had too,’ Kíli just said. 

Dwalin leaned over in his seat towards Kíli. ‘Hey lad, look at me,’ Dwalin said after a short silence. 

So Kíli looked at him. He looked in the eyes of his best friend, who was trying to genuinely help him, who was showing that caring and gentle soul that lived under that rough, intimidating body. most people probably didn’t even know that side of Dwalin existed. 

‘It was not your fault,’ Dwalin continued. 

Those damned five words that Kíli had heard millions of times now. Or at least it felt like a million. 

‘I know,’ Kíli said. ‘But…’ he said softly, unable to stop himself from slipping into a depressed state.

‘No,’ Dwalin cut him off calmly. ‘There are no buts. It wasn’t your fault.’

Kíli cleared his throat and involuntarily wiped his eyes, not having realised that they had started to water. He started to feel embarrassed. ‘Argh, fuck. Sorry about that, Dwalin. Need to get my shit together.’

‘Nothing to be sorry for,’ Dwalin said and smiled reassuringly. ‘And about that shit you need to get together, I’ll help, you know that. You just gotta talk to me.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Kíli said and he shot Dwalin a grateful look. Perfectly timed, their meat pie’s arrived and Kíli instantly felt a bit better after his first bite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the people wondering, I got the name for Kíli's dad (Heptifili) from another story on this site, called "Burned to a Cinder". It's really fantastic, so I recommend you check it out if you're a Thilbo fan c:


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***IMPORTANT***
> 
> Remember how in the notes of the previous chapter I said that Thorin wasn't related to either Fili or Kili? Well... I kinda changed that already. Thorin is Kili's uncle, and so the brother of Dis and Frerin. Not related to Fili at all though.  
> I'm sorry if this causes confusion :( I guess this is just what can happen when you don't write ahead :S

Fíli shifted nervously in his seat. He didn’t like this one bit. Bilbo had texted him that he was coming over. That was weird for several reasons. The first one being that Bilbo wasn’t even assigned to Fíli today. He had other clients too, and Fíli had counted on spending the day alone at the clinic. The other, more unsettling reason, was that the text was… well, short. 

I’m coming over. Don’t go anywhere.

That’s all it said. What on earth could Bilbo possible mean by that last part? Fíli couldn’t even go anywhere if he wanted to, he wasn’t allowed to leave the clinic, which Bilbo knew perfectly well. For the third time Fíli went on a search through his memories, trying to remember something recent had might have Bilbo upset. But he couldn’t think of anything. Although… He had forgot to clean the kitchen a few days back, and he had made a mistake while sorting the dirty laundry, which resulted in almost half of his clothes becoming too small for him to wear…

But no, Bilbo would never be upset over stupid shit like that.

Fíli jerked his head up once he heard the door open. ‘In here!’ he called when Bilbo shouted for his name.

The Hobbit came in the room, and Fíli was surprised to see a massive grin on his face, going from one ear to the other. The knot that had been in his chest loosened and he even had to supress a chuckle when Bilbo sat down and tried to pull a serious face. Bilbo literally could not stop smiling. 

‘Bilbo, what the fuck is going on?’ Fíli asked, greatly amused by the battle between several emotions that was happening on his friend’s face. ‘And what on earth was that text about? You had me scared shitless, I thought you were upset with me!’

Bilbo managed to frown and then shook his head, almost frantically. ‘Upset? No, I could never be upset with you, Fíli.’

That was of course a lie, Fíli knew, but he let Bilbo continue. 

‘Okay, Fíli, you’ve been clean for 10 months now,’ he said. ‘And we’ve been going into town a lot lately and I am really impressed by how you’re handling that. But…’ Bilbo paused and bit his lip. 

Fíli was pretty sure his stomach did a backflip. ‘But… what?’

‘I just… I feel like I’ve been holding you back lately. So, how about this: to celebrate how well you’ve been doing, we’re going to get a beer tonight. Just the two of us.’

Fíli was stunned. He had absolutely no idea what to think, and apparently it was showing, because the longer Fíli stayed quiet, the more concerned Bilbo looked. ‘I… I don’t know if that’s a good idea,’ he managed to mumble finally. ‘What if I become addicted to alcohol then?’ is what he wanted to ask, but the words wouldn’t leave his mouth.

However, it seemed like Bilbo could read his mind. He sighed sadly and shifted his chair so that it was next to Fíli’s. ‘You don’t have to drink anything alcoholic if you don’t want to,’ he said as he put a comforting arm around Fíli. ‘I just thought that maybe it was time for you to become a bit more sociable again. To get to know people outside the clinic. But if you don’t want to go, I understand and I wouldn’t be disappointed whatsoever.’

Fíli just stared at his feet, his mind racing. ‘Is it okay if I think about it for a few more hours?’ he asked, startling himself with his suddenly raspy voice. 

‘Of course! I’ll leave you to your thoughts and in the meantime I’ll get dinner ready’ Bilbo said. ‘Don’t worry, there’s no green food, I know by now that you Dwarf lot don’t like that,’ he quickly added when he saw Fíli’s face. 

Fíli chuckled lightly at that, starting to feel at ease again. ‘I meant to ask if I had to help,’ he said. ‘And vegetables can be alright, if you make them.’ Alright was even an understatement, Fíli thought. Bilbo was an amazing cook, much better than him to say the very least.

Bilbo’s cheeks turned pink at the lousy compliment. ‘No, it’s an easy recipe, you just go ahead and think about what you want for tonight.’ With that, Bilbo left Fíli’s room and headed to the kitchen. 

Fíli managed to get his shoulders to relax fully, and he got up from the chair he had been sitting in to lie down on the bed instead. He stared at the ceiling, contemplating the decisions he could make. 

Wow, decisions. 

It still felt weird to occasionally have the power to make his own, as for the longest time, Bilbo had been making them for him. He thought about what the Hobbit had said. That he had handled their little excursions to town so well. Fíli didn’t really know how he felt about that himself, but if Bilbo said it, there must have been some truth in it, right? And then there was the “being sociable” thing. It was true, Fíli didn’t know anyone outside of the clinic, and even then, Bilbo was the only one he dared to call his friend. He talked to some of the other patients every now and then, but it was always just small talk. Meaningless. And even though some were nice to him, Fíli didn’t think they’d want to be friends with him. I mean, he had been here longer than anyone else, pretty pathetic.   
So yeah, being sociable wasn’t really something he was good at. And Bilbo said he wanted to get a beer, so that would mean they would have to go to a bar or a café of some sorts. And that meant people, lots of people. Potentially people who would want to talk to him. And what was he going to say then? ‘Oh hey, nice to meet you, I’m Fíli, a recovering drug-addict.’ Fíli felt himself tense up just thinking about it. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to go, in fact he really did. But he just knew he’d fuck it up. Not just for himself, but for Bilbo as well. 

‘Dinner’s ready!’ Bilbo called from the kitchen after a while. Fíli got up reluctantly, he still hadn’t made a decision yet.

He walked into the kitchen and was kindly greeted by the smell of baked potatoes and perfectly cooked sausages. He joined Bilbo at the table and they started eating in silence. As always, dinner was absolutely lovely. Fíli had secretly always been glad that his caretaker was a Hobbit, as they were known for their cooking skills. Not that that was Bilbo’s only skill. 

‘It’s great Bilbo, as usual,’ he said after swallowing a full mouth of tomato-salad.

Bilbo smiled warmly at him. ‘Thank you Fíli,’ he said, and after a silence he followed up with, ‘Have you come to a decision yet?’

Fíli had continued his thought process when they were eating quietly, but still hadn’t managed to make up his mind. ‘I’m sorry Bilbo… I just don’t know,’ he said, using his food as an excuse to not have to look at Bilbo.

‘That’s okay Fíli, no harm done,’ Bilbo said calmly. ‘Do you want to talk about it? Maybe I can help?’

‘Hmm,’ Fíli just said at first, but he continued after a few seconds of silence. ‘I just… What if people ask me what I do? I don’t really want to tell them I’m a drug addict. And… and what do I ask people? What if I fuck up?’ 

Bilbo eyed him with a serious look. ‘Fíli, first of all, and this is really important so I want you to listen to me very carefully.’

Fíli slowly moved his eyes from his potatoes to Bilbo. 

‘Fíli, you are not a drug addict,’ Bilbo said, giving Fíli such a piercing look that he couldn’t avert his eyes even if he wanted to. ‘Can you repeat that for me?’

Fíli opened his mouth and then shut it. ‘I’m not a drug addict,’ he mumbled. Bilbo didn’t look entirely convinced, but he didn’t press any further. 

‘And now onto your questions,’ Bilbo continued, turning towards his food again. ‘Do you remember about a month ago, when we were having lunch at that little café just next to the entrance of the ruby mines?’

‘Uh… Yes,’ Fíli replied with a frown. Where was Bilbo going with this? 

‘Do you also remember the lass that sat with us for a while? You know, that old friend of mine that suddenly walked up to us? I think she sat with us for almost half an hour, and if I recall correctly I wasn’t the only active participant in that conversation,’ he said as he shot Fíli a meaningful look, like this was supposed to explain everything. 

Fíli thought about that day. Like Bilbo said, a Hobbit lass had suddenly walked up to them and started talking to Bilbo, who introduced her to Fíli. At first, Bilbo had been the only one talking to her, but he had slowly succeeded in pulling Fíli into the conversation as well. And then the girl had asked what Fíli did for a living. But before he could even think of an answer, Bilbo said that he had a job down the mines, before quickly winking at him. Fíli had been stunned for a moment, and had then mouthed a thank you to Bilbo. 

Still, Fíli wasn’t sure what was so important about mentioning the event now. ‘Okay, maybe I talked along with you two, but that was different,’ he said to Bilbo, who just looked amused by hearing that, which in turn kind of annoyed Fíli. 

‘How?’ Bilbo asked.

‘Well… uhm. I just didn’t… I mean, she was obviously…’ Fíli sputtered hopelessly.

‘You know, when I went to pay for our lunch,’ Bilbo said with a smug smile on his face. ‘I ran into her again. Do you know what she said?’

‘Enlighten me,’ Fíli grumbled after it looked like Bilbo seriously wasn’t going to answer his own rhetorical question. 

‘She said she thought you were cute. And she wanted to know if I could get her your number,’ Bilbo said, looking incredibly pleased with himself.

Fíli’s irritated frown quickly made place for a look of utter disbelief. 

‘I’m serious!’ Bilbo laughed. ‘I didn’t give her your number of course, I said you were already taken. My point is, Fíli, that you won’t fuck up, because you’re a great guy. And yes, you have made some mistakes in the past, but that’s what the past is for, I always say! Again, I won’t hold it against you if you don’t want to go, but I don’t want you to be so insecure. And if anyone asks you a difficult question, I’ll notice, and I’ll answer it for you. You needn’t worry so much.’ 

Fíli closed his mouth, which had been hanging open for long enough now. ‘Hmm. Maybe you’re right,’ he mumbled and he shot Bilbo a nervous smile. He still wasn’t really convinced though, but Bilbo already took it as an answer. 

‘Excellent, that’s settled then!’ he said as he clapped his hands cheerfully. ‘Will you do the dishes? I still need to make some phone calls.’

Fíli let out a heavy half-amused sigh, which Bilbo wisely ignored, so he rose from the table and started collecting the plates and cutlery. 

And so it was, that a few hours later, Bilbo and Fíli entered the bus at the stop near the clinic. The first time they had done that together, about 4 months ago, Fíli had been mighty nervous and excited at the same time. Gradually, it started feeling more like a normal, boring activity again. Like travelling by public transport should be, Bilbo had said, which had started a laugh out of Fíli.   
Today felt like the first time again though, just like it had 4 months ago. Firstly, it was the first time they were travelling in the evening, and needless to say the inside of the mountain looked exactly the same as in the afternoon, Fíli could still tell the difference. Secondly, they were on their way to a freaking bar. Fíli didn’t even remember the last time he had been to one. He didn’t know if that meant it had been a very long time, or if he had simply forgotten about it due to his… mistakes. 

Bilbo, however, was practically bouncing with excitement. To Fíli’s mild frustration, he had not told him where exactly they were going. He had said it was to be a surprise.

Fucking fantastic.

After driving for about 10 minutes, Fíli started looking outside, noticing that even though the appearance of the mountain may be the same as always, the atmosphere was surely very different. Instead of dwarf families and running children, there were now mostly dwarves of his own age outside. There was loud music and flashing light coming from some of the buildings, and Fíli just prayed that Bilbo had picked something quieter.

Finally, it seemed like they had left the epicentre of all that fuss, and Fíli sighed in relief. Then, they stopped in a corridor that looked like just about any apartment corridor in Erebor, and Bilbo got up. ‘This is our stop,’ he said happily to Fíli. 

They got off the bus and Fíli followed Bilbo towards an odd building that, once they got closer, turned out to be a small café. It was one of, if not the narrowest structure that Fíli had ever seen in the Mountain, and he was boggled by the fact that it sounded like there was a quite large mass of people inside. Not only boggled though, also frightened. 

Bilbo walked towards the door of the building, but paused and turned around when Fíli wasn’t following. ‘Fíli? Is something wrong?’

‘Uhm,’ Fíli began, not sure what to even say. All he could hear was that mass of people, having fun inside, and he could only think that as soon as he would join them, no one could have fun anymore. 

He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and turned sideways to see that Bilbo had come to stand next to him, looking worried. ‘We can still go back, Fíli. We’re doing this at your tempo, alright?’

Fíli did want to go back. But he couldn’t disappoint Bilbo now, not after he had been so excited when Fíli said that he had been okay with going. ‘No, it’s alright Bilbo, really,’ he thus said and he managed to curl his lips into a watery smile. 

Bilbo didn’t look entirely pleased. ‘Well, alright. But if you want to go, tell me. Even if it looks like I’m having the time of my life. You just have to tell me and we’ll get the heck out, okay?’

‘Yeah, thanks Bilbo,’ Fíli replied and to his own surprise he succeeded in turning the watery smile into a genuine one. Bilbo smiled back and turned back around, setting foot towards the entrance. 

They were engulfed by a wave of comfortably warm air and soft guitar music in the background as soon as they stepped inside, and Fíli was beyond relieved when no one even looked up at them. He looked around the place and now understood why it could fit so many people, despite it having such a narrow frontage. It was incredibly deep. So deep, that he could not even see the back wall of the place. He hung up his coat next to Bilbo’s and followed him further inside, towards the bar.   
Bilbo sat down at one of the barstools and Fíli followed his example. 

‘So what’d you wanna drink?’ Bilbo asked as he turned to Fíli. 

‘Just an Ice Tea is fine,’ Fíli answered.

Before Bilbo could grasp the attention of the nearest bartender, the door that Fíli thought must go to the back of the bar opened and a red-haired and –bearded dwarf came in. His eyes went wide when he caught sight of Bilbo and a large grin appeared on his face. 

‘Master Baggins! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you here!’

Bilbo instantly gave up on the bartender and turned towards the dwarf with a wide smile. ‘Glóin, how wonderful to see you! Yes, I’ve been rather busy lately, haven’t had much time to visit I’m afraid! How is Gimli?’

Fíli couldn’t help the sting of guilt seering through him. What if he was the one that was keeping Bilbo too busy from seeing his friends? 

‘Lad’s doing fine, very fine indeed,’ the dwarf known as Glóin said with a smirk, before turning to Fíli. ‘Now Master Baggins, I see you have brought someone along! We always give our best welcome to new customers, so your first pint will be on the house, lad!’ the dwarf continued. ‘Glóin’s the name,’ he added and held his hand out.

And there it was, the first problem. Fíli didn’t plan on drinking ale at all. But he couldn’t exactly refuse the offer either. ‘I’m Fíli,’ he said as he tried his best not too wince while sharing an overly firm handshake with Glóin. ‘But there is no need...’ he started, but Bilbo cut him off. 

‘How very nice of you, Glóin!’ he said. ‘Although I can’t remember being offered the same thing when I got here the first time,’ he added with a playful scowl and Glóin’s face turned almost as red as his beard. ‘I’ll just have an Ice-Tea myself,’ Bilbo continued and Fíli realised what he was playing at. He was relieved but also a bit embarrassed that he hadn’t thought of that simple way out himself. 

They got their drinks from Glóin and Fíli followed Bilbo to a table further in the back of the café, where it was not as loaded as in the front. Fíli had just been looking around the café, intrigued by the historical drawings on the wall, when Bilbo suddenly groaned. 

‘Oh god, here we go’, he said as he looked at something behind Fíli, who frowned and looked behind him. 

Approaching them was a large fellow, for a dwarf at least, with long black hair falling to each side of his face and a scruffy beard of the same colour. He was wearing a long open coat with a fur collar, and the way he walked… It was almost majestic, Fíli thought. Or no, cocky was a better word, he concluded when the person came closer and he could now also see the self-righteous expression on his face.

The man walked straight past Fíli without even glancing at him, and pulled up a chair and sat uncomfortably close to Bilbo. 

Fíli had no idea what was going on, but it was hilarious. 

‘Bilbo, ghivashel, I am so happy to see you,’ the dwarf spoke in the deepest voice Fíli had ever heard. He had to keep himself from bursting out laughing at hearing the word ghivashel however, which meant something quite embarrassing in Khuzdul, the traditional Dwarven tongue. He was pretty sure Bilbo couldn’t understand it. ‘Where have you been? I have… we have missed your presence,’ the dwarf continued.

Bilbo didn’t look particularly thrilled by the sudden company, and glanced at Fíli who was watching them with an amused look. ‘Oh uhm… hi Thorin,’ he said awkwardly. ‘I didn’t know you had to work at the bar this evening.’

The dwarf called Thorin raised an eyebrow at that. ‘I am the owner of the café, as you know. What else would I have to do? My nephew will be joining us soon, I would love for you to meet him.’ 

The dwarf leaned back in his chair, and Bilbo stared at him with open mouth. He closed it after it seemed like Thorin really had settled for the rest of the evening and wouldn’t be leaving them alone anytime soon. ‘Well, let me introduce you to my friend Fíli then,’ he said drily, shooting Fíli an apologetic look. ‘Fíli, this is Thorin Oakenshield. Thorin, this is Fíli Durinson.’

It seemed like Thorin then noticed Fíli for the first time since he had sat down. He smiled at Fíli and shook his hand, thankfully not as violently as Glóin had. 

‘Fíli, you said? What a coincidence, my nephew’s name is Kíli,’ he said, before focussing again on Bilbo. 

Fíli continued watching them converse, and smiled mostly at Bilbo’s funny faces. It was obvious that Thorin made him uncomfortable. Probably because said dwarf was absolutely head-over-heals in love with the Hobbit. Fíli chuckled and took another sip of his Ice-Tea. 

This might turn out to be a fun night after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ghivashel means "treasure of all treasures"
> 
> Oh Thorin xD


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously big thanks for all the kind support so far, it's really motivating me! :) Hope you enjoy this chapter, and if you have ideas/feedback, feel free to let me know!

When dinner was served, Kíli was stilling feeling a little full from his lunch with Dwalin earlier. They had ended up ordering an extra pie, entirely unwilling to leave without their stomachs as round as possible. After that, Bombur had joined them for a while and what started out as lunch eventually became an event that had taken up Kíli’s whole afternoon. But he didn’t mind, he was glad that he had had something to take his mind of that stupid dream.   
To make matters worse (or better), his mom had made one of his favourite dishes – baked potatoes with rosemary and steak – so when he had finally finished eating that, he felt like he could explode any second. 

‘That was delicious mom,’ he murmured, leaning back in his chair with a satisfied sigh. 

‘Thank you, Kíli,’ Dís said and a smile spread across her face. She turned to her husband, ‘how did the deal go, dear?’

Heptifili looked up from his plate. ‘Aye, very well! Greedy folk, those elves, but willing to cooperate too. I think it’s fair to say that both parties were pleased enough with the final terms, aye.’

‘And what did they think of your… exceptional garb?’ Kíli teased.

His father turned almost as red as the inside of his steak. ‘Mahal’s beard, haven’t we had enough of this?’ he sputtered, which only made Kíli’s grin spread wider. Heptifili then pulled himself together and a triumphant smirk appeared on his face. ‘Actually, the head of the Elven party said I looked rather… dashing, I think he said.’

Dís frowned in amusement. ‘Well, well, got yourself an Elvish admirer. Should I be worried?’

Kíli laughed loudly and his dad took on an even more impressing shade of red, before stoically returning to his food and grumbling something mildly offensive in Khuzdul at the two of them. 

\---

‘So, any plans for tonight?’ Dís asked Kíli when they were doing the dishes together. ‘Hept and I are going out later…’

Kíli jolted his head sideways. ‘You’re not going to Thorin’s are you?’

Dís raised a suspicious eyebrow at him. ‘No we’re not. Why?’

Kíli sighed in relief. ‘Cause me and Dwalin are going there.’

‘Dwalin and I’, Dís corrected him sternly and Kíli groaned.

‘Whatever. Just don’t tell dad. He’ll want to come and he’ll embarrass me,’ he said matter-of-factly. 

Dís cackled viciously. ‘Hmm, I don’t know about that. After you made fun of him about his outfit, I’m sure he’ll do anything I want just for a chance to take revenge on you.’

Kíli shot her a pleading look and she sighed in defeat.

‘Fine then, I’ll keep my mouth shut. But why so worried about embarrassment? It’s not like everyone there doesn’t already know what a huge dork you are,’ she teased. 

‘Hey!’ Kíli said indignantly.

Dís snickered, and then suddenly she gasped, her eyes went wide and she turned to Kíli. ‘Wait… unless… Kíli, did you meet someone?!’

Kíli winced at the loudness of her voice and then he understood. She thought he was scared his dad would make him look like an idiot in front of his new flirt. Oh no. 

‘Mom, would you consider next time not breaking my eardrums, Mahal…’ he said, rubbing his left ear. ‘And no, I didn’t meet someone,’ he added curtly. 

‘Oh, sorry,’ she said with a wry smile, and turned back to the sink.

‘For what?’ Kíli asked, suddenly frustrated with the dishes. ‘For my eardrums or for the fact that I haven’t managed to replace Tauriel yet and move out again?’

‘I didn’t mean it like that Kíli, stop being silly,’ Dís countered sharply. ‘Me and your dad love having you around, you know that. I was sorry for asking about it in such a… well, dumb way.’

Dís threw up her hands in exasperation and went back to cleaning the dishes when Kíli’s only response to that was a humph noise.

‘Your dad and I’, Kíli muttered after they were finished, and he shot his mom a small smile. 

She smiled back, and all was well between them. Kíli had never had long fights with his mom, he was too much like her for that. Ever since he was old enough to understand what humour was, he had formed a so-to-speak alliance with his mom, working together to make fun of Kíli’s dad as often as they could. It would sometimes drive him mad, but then again, that was the whole point. And Kíli’s punishment would be tickles, so that didn’t really stop him either. 

Kíli had occupied himself with more reading after that (not really helping the whole I’m-not-a-dork thing, he knew, but fuck it), when there was a familiar thump on the door.

Dwalin.

He practically threw his book away and quickly did a check on his hair in the hallway mirror on the way to the front door. Could be worse. 

‘Sup,’ Kíli said to Dwalin after swinging open the door. He received a nod in response. 

‘Mom, dad, I’m off!’ Kíli yelled into the apartment. 

He stepped outside with Dwalin after his mom shouted back to confirm that she’d heard him. 

It was a bit chilly in the mountain, and Kíli was glad Thorin’s café was only a few blocks away. He felt a sudden surge of excitement going through him. He hadn’t been out in a while, and on top of that he hadn’t seen his uncle in some time either. 

Thorin Oakenshield was his mother’s older brother, and he was the owner of the well-respected Arkenstone café, with its distinctive narrow frontage. Actually, the narrowest frontage of any separate space in the entire mountain. Despite that fact, there were rarely tourists visiting and most of its customers were loyal ones that had been going there for years.   
Kíli was very fond of Thorin. At first glance he could seem somewhat… arrogant, but if you would look past that you’d see an incredibly kind and loyal dwarf, always ready to fight for what he or his loved ones believed in. Though he could be a complex character, Kíli knew, which had led to some difficulties in his life. The far most difficult thing being the rejection by his father after he had caught Thorin making out with another dwarf. And not a female one. His father Thraín had been furious, and Thorin, assertiveness already being one of his characteristics in his younger days, had almost immediately decided to move out. Dís and Frerin were inconsolable by their big brother’s abandonment, and had only much later found out the details of the story, after Thraín’s passing.  
Kíli had never gotten the chance to meet his grandfather before his death, but he felt like he couldn’t have been a pleasant person, after what he had done to Thorin.

Kíli let his mind wander back to the present, and he shot Dwalin a sly look. 

‘What?’ his friend grumbled.

‘Bet I can pull before you can,’ Kíli said with a smirk. 

Dwalin roared with laughter. It was an on-going joke between the two. Even though Kíli was generally considered the more handsome of the two, Dwalin was a true Casanova. Kíli had no idea how he always pulled it off, but almost every time they’d go out, he’d eventually catch Dwalin snogging some damsel that he had met 30 minutes earlier. 

‘I think you growing a beard is even more likely than that to happen, lad,’ Dwalin said and they both got into another laughing fit. 

Just when they had recovered, they arrived at The Arkenstone. Kíli peeked inside and was pleased to see it was a busy night. He followed Dwalin through the door and they both hung up their coats. Kíli saw some familiar faces on the way to the bar, and smiled whenever his gaze crossed one of theirs. 

‘There you are, Dwalin, you daffy nut!’ it sounded and soon Dwalin was engulfed in a solid embrace by Glóin, one of the bartenders who also happened to be one of Kíli’s favourite people. ‘And you’re here too, Kíli, lad!’ Glóin continued to bellow and he let go of Dwalin to hug Kíli, ever so tightly. 

Kíli grinned after they let go of each other. ‘I sure am. Good to see you, Glóin. You seen my uncle about?’

‘Aye, I’ve seen him alright. Joined a Hobbit and a friend of his at the back. You go join them and I’ll bring you lads 2 pints of ale,’ Glóin answered with an amused twinkle in his eye of which Kíli wondered what it meant. Thorin, sitting with a Hobbit? That was new.

‘Make that three,’ Dwalin called after Glóin. ‘What? I’m a thirsty dwarf,’ he added with sly innocence when Kíli shot him an unimpressed look. 

They squeezed past a couple dozen of chatting bodies before the crowd’s density diminished, and Kíli scanned the back of the room and quickly spotted Thorin, sitting next to a fairly small creature with soft brown curls and a completely hairless chin. Kíli had seen some Hobbits before in Dale, but had never known much about them other than that they were unable to grow any facial hair. He felt a small dab of guilt for not knowing anything about the history of the race, despite knowing more than average about that of Men, Dwarves, and even Elves.   
Opposite of Thorin and the little Hobbit, a dwarf was sitting, long blond hair flowing in gentle curls over the back of his head onto his shoulders and back. Despite not being able to see his face, Kíli didn’t think he’d seen him before.

Thorin stood up as soon as he caught sight of Kíli and Dwalin, ignoring the flustered look on the Hobbit’s face, who had been in the middle of a sentence it had looked like. 

Thorin beamed at Kíli as he cupped his face and rested their foreheads against each other. ‘Kíli, my sister-son. I’m so glad you could make it.’ He gave Dwalin a short hug and then turned back to Kíli.

‘Kíli, I’d like you to meet Bilbo Baggins of the Shire and his friend… erm, I’m so terribly sorry, what was your name again?’

The fair-haired dwarf had turned towards them and Kíli noticed he had an equally blond beard and kind, blue eyes. 

He smiled as he answered Thorin, with not even a hint of indignation in his voice for forgetting his name, ‘It’s Fíli. Fíli Durinson.’

Kíli’s stomach did a weird flip. For some reason it bothered him slightly that the fellow had a similar name.

‘Of course, yes,’ Thorin continued. ‘Bilbo and Fíli, this is my nephew Kíli and our friend Dwalin.’ He sidestepped so Kíli could reach the small hand that Bilbo had reached out to him. He shook it and was surprised by the firmness of the handshake, coming from such a teeny person.

‘Nice to meet you, Kíli,’ the Hobbit known as Bilbo said with a friendly smile. 

‘Likewise!’ Kíli replied with a warm smile of his own and he went on to greet the blond dwarf, who had impressively endured a rough meeting with Dwalin’s hand without sustaining any injuries. 

Kíli settled on the left side of the dwarf known as Fíli and Dwalin sat between him and Bilbo. Thorin had already continued his conversation with Bilbo, who was for some reason looking a bit uneasy, shifting in his chair every now and then. 

‘You spotted anything already? It’s a busy night,’ Dwalin croaked to his left and it took Kíli a moment to realise it was directed at him. 

‘Sorry, what?’

‘If you’ve spotted any fair lasses, you oaf,’ Dwalin grumbled impatiently. 

Kíli sighed but had to supress a chuckle. ‘For fuck’s sake, Dwalin. We just got here.’

‘Aye, so what?’ Dwalin started, but he couldn’t say any more if he had wanted to, as Glóin had arrived with their drinks. 

‘Three fresh pints of ale,’ he said jovially, setting down their glasses with such a smack that some of their contents splashed on the wooden table. 

Kíli laughed at the antics and took a large gulp of the cold liquid and felt it leave a familiar trail of warmth on the back of his throat. He looked to his left and watched with a smirk how Dwalin chugged his first glass in one go and immediately asked Glóin for another, despite still having a full glass in front of him.

‘So, Kíli,’ it suddenly sounded from the other end of the table. ‘Thorin tells me you lived in the city of Dale for a while,’ Bilbo says, granting Kíli another one of his kind smiles. 

‘Uhm, yes,’ Kíli anwered, feeling somewhat flustered by the fact that Thorin was talking about him to Bilbo. ‘I lived there with my ex for two years. Very nice, but I’ll always prefer life under the rocks I think,’ he concluded with a wry smile. 

Bilbo’s smile faltered slightly and for a split second he glared at Thorin. ‘Oh I see. I have lived in Dale myself as well, a bright city indeed, compared to the darkness of the Mountain.’

To his right, Fíli suddenly chuckled under his breath. Kíli frowned but Bilbo grinned in amusement. 

‘Got something to say, Fíli?’ Bilbo dared. 

For a moment, Fíli looked nervous about all the faces that had suddenly turned to him, awaiting a response. He then proceeded to speak, ‘so like a Hobbit to find the Mountain a dark place.’ 

Bilbo laughed heartily and Thorin chuckled along, but Kíli still just frowned. Huh. 

‘Well, it is a dark place,’ Bilbo exclaimed. ‘But dark is not necessarily a negative term, mind you.’

‘Quite right,’ Thorin added to Kíli’s bemusement. 

Fíli shook his head and took a sip of his… wait, was that Ice-Tea?

‘Why don’t you drink ale?’ Kíli blurted out. Dwarves were quite known for their love for ale and their brewing skill as well, and Kíli had never met a single adult dwarf who would prefer, well, anything over a cold pint of ale. 

It was obvious Kíli had somehow struck a nerve, as Fíli seemed at a loss for words, a blush creeping up from his neck. And it was not him who answered Kíli’s question, but Bilbo. 

‘Fíli is on medication for a… uhm, rash. That’s why he can’t have alcohol,’ the Hobbit stammered, and Fíli only seemed to get redder at the remark. Kíli wasn’t convinced, but nodded and took a few large gulps of ale as if that would wash away the awkwardness. When he put his glass back he looked to his left to find Dwalin, not willing to risk eye contact with any of the others at the moment. But Dwalin wasn’t there. Kíli frowned, surely he would have heard the large dwarf leave his seat? He looked around him and quickly caught sight of his best friend, towering over a pretty Dwarven lass with long curling brown hair, bending forward to whisper something probably inappropriate in her ear. She giggled.

Kíli stifled a laugh, and shook his head. Dwalin was sure to be some kind of wizard. He turned back towards the table to see that Bilbo and Thorin were in a conversation once again, about who knew what. Seriously, Kíli had never seen his uncle Thorin this interested in another person before, it was as though everything Bilbo said drew a response from him. As if he never wanted his conversation with this Hobbit to end.

Oh.

Kíli stifled another laugh, less successful this time. He felt a sudden need to apologise for his earlier blunt remark when he noticed that Fíli glanced at him, brows furrowed, but he decided that it might be more fun to indulge the other Dwarf in his discovery.

Kíli leaned on the side of his chair towards Fíli with a grin. ‘So, what do you make of this situation?’ he asked with a subtle nod towards Bilbo and Thorin. 

Fíli took the matter entirely too seriously, or he was a genius at sarcasm as he responded with a very serious face, ‘it seems that your uncle has taken an interest in Bilbo.’

Kíli gaped at him for a second and then threw his head back and roared with laughter. ‘An interest? Yes, I suppose you could say it that way. I was personally thinking of calling it an intense crush, but whatever.’

Fíli smiled carefully, seemingly relieved that he managed to make Kíli laugh, who realised that he was staring and he cleared his throat before finishing his ale. He stuck his hand up and managed to draw Glóin’s attention, who winked to let him know he was coming. 

Kíli turned to Fíli again. ‘Hey, you want a drink?’ he asked. ‘Ice-tea, I mean,’ he added with an apologetic smile when Fíli’s eyes flashed a tad anxiously. 

‘Yeah, thanks,’ Fíli replied and to Kíli’s relief his lips curled up in a genuine smile this time, revealing a set of dimples. There was something about this Fíli Durinson, something hidden in those ultramarine eyes that he did not like to share with others. Why had Bilbo stood up for him earlier? Why was he here to begin with? 

Kíli blamed the slight rush of alcohol in his veins for making him decide that he would try to find out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all so much for the support on this story :D

It sure was an… eventful evening so far. First this fellow called Thorin, who just couldn’t take his eyes off Bilbo for longer than 10 seconds, and then his nephew Kíli and that other bloke, Dwalin. To Fíli’s mild confusion, Bilbo didn’t seem too enthralled by all the company, even though it was him who suggested going out in the first place. 

Still, Fíli was surprising himself immensely by actually having a good time. He was still anxious, oh yes, but so far nothing terrible had happened.

Until…

‘Why don’t you drink ale?’ 

Fíli was taken completely by surprise with the question, a quick jolt of heat surging through his body rendering him incapable of speech. His brain got back to work in no time, desperately attempting to come up with an at least somewhat believable excuse. But Bilbo beat him to it.

‘Fíli is on medication for a… uhm, rash. That’s why he can’t have alcohol,’ the Hobbit stuttered awkwardly and Fíli felt his face heat up. Of every possible excuse that would be applicable in this situation, Bilbo had to decide on that? 

Fíli determined that bolting off to escape this moment of intense embarrassment would be the best course of action here, but at the very last second his wit got the best of him. That would only result in the others finding you even weirder, he told himself resolutely. 

He glanced up just in time to catch the wry dismay on Bilbo’s face, before being pulled back into conversation with Thorin. 

Good, at least he knows he fucked up, Fíli couldn’t help to think. Though, none of this would have happened if he had just been a normal ale-drinking dwarf to begin with. Why was he such a coward? Surely drinking just one pint wouldn’t have him lose himself to the alcohol? He knew it wouldn’t, that was the worst of all. Because even though he knew it, he still couldn’t bring himself to simply ask Bilbo if he could have an ale. Pathetic. 

Kíli speaking up a bit later was not the distraction he had hoped for, but it was a distraction nonetheless. 

‘So, what do you make of this situation?’ the dwarf asked him with a slightly mischievous grin towards Bilbo and Thorin, who had impressively still not run out of topics to talk about. 

Fíli ended up saying, entirely too seriously, ‘it seems that your uncle has taken an interest in Bilbo.’ Great line, Fíli. That was just magnificent. 

Kíli let out a good-natured hoot of laughter to Fíli’s surprise. ‘An interest?’ he snickered in amusement. ‘Yes, I suppose you could say it that way. I was personally thinking of calling it an intense crush, but whatever.’

Fíli felt his lips curl up into a smile, mostly relieved at Kíli’s joyful response to his own foolish statement, but also proud, strangely. It had been a while since he made anyone other than Bilbo laugh. 

‘Hey, you want a drink?’ Kíli asked, and the bit of pride Fíli was enjoying immediately vanished. It was instantly back to rush-hour inside his head and just when he was ready to say you know what, I’ll have an ale, Kíli added, ‘Ice-tea, I mean.’

‘Yeah, thanks,’ Fíli just said as he forced himself to smile, firmly trying to hide how frustrated he was with himself. 

‘So, this is your first time here?’ Kíli asked after a short while, in a valliant effort to keep the conversation from dying. 

‘Yeah,’ Fíli replied. ‘How did you know?’

‘Well, you’re using a coaster,’ Kíli said with a dry smile. ‘No one who comes here regularly uses a coaster.’

Fíli chuckled at the observation, and looked around him to see that he was indeed the only one using a coaster. ‘I guess my parents just raised me a bit too well,’ he said bitterly before realising it, but obviously poor Kíli didn’t pick up on that. Way to go, Fíli. 

‘Your parents don’t live in Erebor?’ Kíli asked, sheer interest showing in his brown eyes. 

‘No… they’re… uhm, dead, actually.’

Dead to me. 

Kíli’s face fell and he diverted his eyes, and Fíli furiously wished for the ability to go back in time so he could have said something different. ‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered. ‘That wasn’t really what you expected to hear, I can imagine.’

Kíli’s eyes widened in shock and he gaped at Fíli. ‘You’re sorry? Don’t be stupid, I’m not the one who lost my parents!’ he called out slightly frantically. ‘I’m the one who should be sorry. So uh, yeah, I am,’ he concludes a bit awkwardly.

Fíli couldn’t help chuckling. ‘It’s alright actually. It happened when I was young, I’m pretty much over it,’ he said truthfully, shrugging. And it was true. He wasn’t sad anymore about his parents leaving him. He was angry with them. He hated them. He knew that they had never been found during the police searches, so technically it was still possible that they were alive, but Fíli doubted it. Sometimes he caught himself hoping that they were dead, to pay for what they had done to him. And then he’d become mad at himself, for blaming his own mistakes on his parents. 

Kíli stared at him with mixed disbelief and… admiration, it almost looked like. ‘What did you do after they passed?’ he asked. 

Firstly, Fíli was only surprised because no one usually showed interest when it came to his parents. Most people he would bring it up to just changed subject as quickly as possible. Then, he realised that he actually had to answer Kíli’s question. Oh, shit. 

‘I’d rather not talk about it,’ Fíli blurted out rather resolutely before he could stop himself. ‘Uhm… sorry,’ he sighed. ‘Bilbo… he took me in, that’s all I want to say.’ 

And that’s it then. Another possible friendship ruined. Though, it was dumb to actually hope for friendship to begin with, Fíli thought sternly, avoiding Kíli’s gaze at all cost.

However, as if he hadn’t been surprised enough that evening, Kíli replied, ‘that’s cool, we all have our secrets, and I for one, am glad for that,’

Fíli noticed the subtle melancholy in his voice and he looked up to see that Kíli was looking at him, lips curved into a crooked smile. He looked older suddenly, but not age-wise. Knowledge-wise, and Fíli was certain that for each and every one of his own secrets, Kíli had at least one for himself. 

‘So,’ he said a bit hoarsely after he decided that the staring had gone on for long enough. ‘What about your folks? They live in the Mountain?’

Kíli cleared his throat, as to wake himself up mentally. ‘Yep, walking distance from here actually. My mum’s a nurse and dad works in the gem-industry. Nothing too exciting,’ he shrugged, when suddenly his eyes lit up and he fished his phone from his jacket. ‘Although…’ he continued with a chuckle, ‘every now and then, my dad has to attend important meetings, and this morning actually he had one with a bunch of Elves from the Woodland Realm. And they made him wear this.’

Fíli shifted eagerly in his chair to get a better look at the picture on Kíli’s phone. There was a broad, but rather tall dwarf on the photo, obviously Kíli’s father, with the same thin brown hair (though with a strand of grey here and there) and earnest eyebrows. But immediately Fíli’s attention was drawn to what he was wearing. Because… what was he wearing? The dark-purple matching suit, heavily decorated with golden and yellow gems, was everything but common Dwarvish wear. It also seemed to be too small for the large dwarf, which made it look even more ridiculous. 

It looked, quite frankly , hilarious, and the fact that Kíli’s father probably had no idea he was being photographed, added to that. Fíli couldn’t help laughing at him, and luckily, Kíli joined him. 

‘Poor guy,’ Fíli sympathised, but his smile hadn’t faded yet. ‘You look a lot like him,’ he added and realised way too late that that was probably a very awkward thing to say to someone you have just met.

Kíli cocked an eyebrow at him. ‘Do I? Usually people compare me with my mother or her brother, looks-wise.’

Relieved that Kíli wasn’t weirded out, it was Fíli’s turn to frown. ‘People compare you with Thorin?’

Kíli snorted and downed the rest of his ale. ‘No, my other uncle, Frerin. People say that the only thing different from us is our age and hair colour.’

Fíli imagined Kíli with blond instead of brown hair, and smiled faintly. ‘Does… uh, Frerin come here too?’ he somewhat stammered after he caught himself just staring at nothing, probably an odd sight. 

For a split second, Kíli’s eyes flickered with something that could be either sadness, happiness or literally any other intense emotion. 

‘Uhm,’ Kíli began, and he seemed to struggle to spread the wry smile over his face. ‘I should probably have spoken in past tense, sorry. Frerin’s dead, you see.’

Fíli felt his heart sink in his chest. First and foremost he felt embarrassment over the fact that he managed again to jeopardize the, well, pleasantness of their conversation, and then he felt a massive wave of guilt for first thinking about himself and only then realising what Kíli had actually told him. Not only a conversation-killer, but also selfish.

‘Fuck, I’m so sorry,’ Fíli muttered, but al he received in reply was a chuckle. 

‘Thanks, but it’s alright,’ Kíli said. ‘Really,’ he added with a slightly amused smile when Fíli’s eyes were still wide open. 

The rest of the conversation, thank god, elapsed with ease, and Fíli noticed that what he thought had all happened in an hour, had actually taken 4 hours. It was past midnight now, and he still couldn’t quite believe that he was here. In a bar, at night, with all these people. All these normal people.   
After a while, the intimidating bloke that was Dwalin had rejoined them, but it turned out that he was anything but intimidating when under the influence. Fíli had been a bit on edge when the fellow had started talking to him. Or rather, had started throwing incoherent, half-sentences at him. Kíli had just started laughing uncontrollably at whatever it was Dwalin was saying, and Fíli had carefully joined in. Not much later, Dwalin fell asleep in his chair, snoring loudly.  
Thorin and Bilbo had barely given them any attention all night, and where now leaning in so close to each other that Fíli was certain they could feel each other’s breath. All the uneasiness and discomfort from before had disappeared from Bilbo’s eyes, and he was now looking rather… boyish. It was strange, seeing his best friend so completely charmed by all the undoubtedly entrancing words that were continuously flowing from Thorin’s mouth.   
Fíli had the vague idea that he had to feel indignant, maybe angry even, that Bilbo hadn’t really guided him through the night like Fíli had expected, or hoped he would. But he just felt happy for him. Though he definitely needed some backstory.

It was around 2 am when Fíli found himself stepping back into the familiar cold of the Mountain, followed by Kíli, Bilbo, Thorin and lastly by Dwalin, who had decided to be all giggly for the walk home.

‘Hey, sorry for that whole ale thing,’ Kíli said all off the sudden. Him and Fíli were walking behind Dwalin to keep an eye on him, and Thorin and Bilbo were out of earshot. ‘That was… none of my business.’

Fíli was taken completely by surprise, but instead of going in a temporary emotional shutdown as he was used to from himself, he replied swiftly, ‘no worries. You didn’t mean anything by it.’

He noticed Kíli relaxing somewhat next to him.

‘And I don’t actually have a rash,’ Fíli blurted out, fairly certain that his face was turning a striking shade of crimson and glad that Kíli probably couldn’t see it in the scarce lighting. 

‘I got that,’ Kíli chuckled, before stopping - at what Fíli presumed to be Kíli’s apartment - and turning towards him. 

‘You have a lot of secrets’ Kíli said in a mysteriously amused tone, and the dim light cast on his features from the lanterns on the side of the road betrayed that he was grinning. 

Fíli wasn’t entirely sure what to say to that, but eventually managed a hoarse, ‘Don’t you?’ and he continued staring at Kíli while he said goodbye to the others.

Fíli and Bilbo ended up walking all the way home. Bilbo said it was because he liked walking through the mountain at night, but Fíli suspected that it had more to do with the fact that he could stay by Thorin’s side a bit longer, before Dwalin and him also parted ways from Bilbo and Fíli. 

Fíli didn’t mind at all, it finally gave him some time to talk to Bilbo.

‘So, that Thorin huh…’ he started, but was almost immediately cut off by Bilbo.

‘I’m so sorry, Fíli! I didn’t know Thorin was going to show up, I swear! I feel so terrible, and I even said I would help you tonight!I just failed you miserably, I’m so very sorry. And then that rash thing! What was I even thinking?’

Before his rambling could transition into a full-on monologue, Fíli placed his hand on Bilbo’s shoulder to shush him. 

‘Bilbo, shut up for a second please,’ he said and the Hobbit stared at him with big round eyes. 

‘But I…’

‘It’s fine, really,’ Fíli said with a smile. ‘I mean, yeah, the rash thing was kind of stupid, but I quite enjoyed myself the whole evening. So, thank you, for showing me some more of the real world.’

‘Oh Fíli...’ 

‘But seriously,’ Fíli continued, before Bilbo had the chance to get emotional. ‘What’s up with you and Thorin? Why have you never told me about him?’

Bilbo let out an exasperated gasp. ‘Nothing’s “up” with us!’ he fussed, and Fíli granted him an unconvinced smirk.

‘I mean, I’ve only seen him a few times before at the Arkenstone, and well, yes, he is really nice, and thoughtful, and funny, and…’ Bilbo stammered on. 

‘Hot?’ Fíli supplied innocently. 

‘Irresistable…’ Bilo sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, this chapter. I kinda like how I showed some of the things from last chapter from Fíli's perspective here. 
> 
> And yeah, Fíli is a bit complicated. If everything's alright, he is alright, but as soon as the tiniest thing goes wrong, he goes into this emotional state of blaming everything on himself. Which is why Fíli's chapters might always be a bit more... depressing... sorry ^^'
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, next week I begin school but I hope I can keep up weekly updates!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some topics in this that some may see as triggers, so be aware when reading! And sorry for the late update :S I think a new chapter every 2 weeks or so will become the standard unfortunately, now with school and all...
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Waking up without another body next to him, had fortunately gotten easier over the past few months. Yet Kíli still remembered Tauriel’s warmth, her soft skin, the lavender smell of her hair… But he realised he didn’t miss it anymore. It were memories he looked back upon with a sort of fondness, like he was privileged to have gotten to know her the way he did. But that was all it was, really.

Kíli didn’t want to open his eyes just yet. Bed was too comfortable. He had no idea what time it was, and he didn’t care to find out. He let his mind drift back to the night before, feeling just a little bit hung-over. He remembered Fíli instantly, his golden hair and the dimples when he laughed. But most of all, Kíli remembered his eyes. So full of… secrets.   
Kíli knew how to tell if someone had secrets since Tauriel had made her confession. But with Fíli it was different, somehow. Most people are just ashamed of their secrets, and make just enough of an effort to prevent people from finding out they even have them. but Fíli seemed to guard them, to be on the lookout for people trying to get access to him, and keeping an almost panicky distance.

And that saddened Kíli. But it also intrigued him immensely. And that was… well, Kíli didn’t know what it was. Fíli basked in this aura of don’t-get-too-close-to-me , and naturally, that was supposed to scare people off.  
It reminded Kíli of what Frerin used to look like sometimes. So vulnerable, so distant. And Kíli hadn’t even considered the fact that his uncle maybe needed someone to talk to. And that that someone could have been him, if only he had paid more attention. 

His comfortable bed now turned into a somewhat suffocating mass of sheets and sweat, and Kíli finally opened his eyes to check the time.

12:30 pm

Geez, been some time since he slept in that late. What time did he even get home last night? Oh, and work started in an hour, great. 

Kíli kicked away the sheets and went to take a shower. He looked in the mirror and raked his hand through his hair, muttering ‘I need a serious haircut,’ to himself. He showered and made his way downstairs, ready for some cereal. His mom and dad were out already, both off to work, but there was a note on the table, as always.

Morning Kíli. Your dad and I are both at work and won’t be home until late! So you’ll have to get dinner by yourself, but you’ll eat at work I presume. Have a great day honey, see you later :)

Kíli rolled his eyes and chuckled. It seemed like his mom would never fully realise that he could take care of himself easily, and didn’t still need to be talked to like he was 15 or something.   
He quickly finished his breakfast and lazily skimmed through the newspaper that was on the table. He was about to put it away when a certain headline caught his attention. 

Baruk Khazâd Festival Returns To Erebor 

Now, that, was interesting, and Kíli began reading eagerly. The reporter talked about the famous festival making a comeback to Erebor, for the first time in 10 years. It used to be a great success before that, but when a horrible accident - involving the collapse of one of the stages - killed 16 people, the festival lost its charm, and most of its visitors with it. Every edition after that was met with predominantly negative reviews, and eventually, the organisation behind the festival gave up as well.   
But now, apparently, a couple of fresh graduates had impressively raised enough money to get a promotion campaign going, and now had enough interested sponsors to actually make the festival happen.

Kíli remembered going to Baruk Khazâd a couple of times when he was little, with his mum, dad, Thorin and Frerin. One time he had even been allowed to bring Dwalin along. Everything about the festival had made him happy back then. The food, the music, the theatre acts.   
I need to go here again, Kíli thought to himself, and his mind had already started planning everything. Who would be coming along? Would they be going for 3 full days? What would they do if they lost each other in the crowd?

Don’t get ahead of yourself, Kíli thought, but when joined Dwalin in the cafeteria at work, he had to bring it up.

‘Sup.’

‘Not much,’ came the muffled answer from Dwalin who had just stuffed his mouth with some soup-soaked bread. 

‘Read the paper this morning?’ Kíli asked as he reached across the table for cutlery. 

Dwalin made a noise that sounded like a chuckle, and Kíli took that as a no. 

‘Baruk Khazâd is back this year. You know, the festival. We should go,’ Kíli said quite matter-of-factly before enjoying a spoon full of delicious tomato soup. 

Dwalin looked up at him and frowned. ‘And get crushed by a stage? No thanks.’

Kíli rolled his eyes. ‘Oh fuck off. I’m being serious, remember how much fun it used to be? We’ll take a tent with us and we can stay on site for a few days and-‘

‘You want me to sleep in a bloody tent?’ Dwalin scowled.

‘Mahal, Dwalin!’ Kíli cried out in exasperation. ‘When did you become such a pussy?’

‘Oi Kíli, please keep your voice down!’ Dwalin hissed at him. ‘It’s just work making me grumpy I guess. And being massively hungover. Who’d you even want to go with?’

‘Uhm, have you been keeping up? I asked you if you wanted to come along,’ Kíli sighed.

‘I know that,’ Dwalin grumbled. ‘I just thought you wanted to go with a group or something, like we did with your folks before.’

‘Yeah, I was thinking of asking Thorin as well. And Fíli,’ Kíli said, and after Dwalin frowned at him, he added, ‘I’m not going to ask my parents to come along if that’s what you’re thinking for some weird reason. Fuck no.’

Dwalin snickered and turned back to his food. ‘No, I was going to ask who the hell Fíli was.’

‘Who Fíli was…?’ Kíli muttered in confusion. ‘What do you mean? You met him last night at the bar.’

Dwalin shrugged. ‘If you say so. I don’t remember much, though I recall there being a Hobbit?’

Kíli chuckled. Dwalin had always been that one friend whose memory would completely fail him after a night’s drinking. One time, he had been so far gone that he had woken up in a train to Minas Tirith, without a clue of how he got there. 

‘Yeah, Bilbo was his name. Though I didn’t get to talk to him at all really, Thorin was all over him,’ Kíli said with a snicker.

‘That sounds like love-struck Thorin to me,’ Dwalin laughed in response and after casting a glance at the clock on the far side of the room, he added, ‘Well, my break is over lad, I’ll think about that festival offer. See ya.’

‘Alright, talk later,’ Kíli replied and was briefly mesmerized by the ripples that rolled over the surface of his soup.

 

Life continued like it used to after that. Waking up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep was the schedule for the majority of Kíli’s days, and at the weekend he used his free time to look at apartments. As much as he loved his parents, he still felt somewhat like an insurrectional teenager in their presence, and quite frankly, he couldn’t wait to have a place just for himself. But Erebor was damn expensive. He had visited a few affordable places already, but they were either too far from work or situated in an… unpleasant neighbourhood, so Kíli continued on searching. 

‘Hey Kíli. What’re you up to?’

‘Trying not to go brain-dead while searching for an apartment. You?’ Kíli answered Dwalin with a slightly fulsome sigh. 

‘Hmm. Listen, about Baruk Khazâd…’

Kíli instantly perked up in his chair. Dwalin hadn’t brought up their talk of the festival since Kíli first spoke of it, and to be honest he had already accepted that Dwalin probably just didn’t want to come.

‘What about it?’

‘It’d be cool to go. I could do with some time away from the work-eat-sleep routine.’

Kíli chuckled compassionately, instantly revived by the news, and a little spark of excitement caused shivers to travel down his spine. 

‘Dude, tell me about it!’ he exclaimed. ‘Thorin’s coming over for dinner tonight, so I’ll ask him then if he wants to come. And Fíli… well, I have no clue how to get a hold of him, but I’ll figure something out.’

‘Remind who Fíli is again? And why you wanted him to come?’

‘Long blonde hair, blue eyes, short beard. We met him at the Arkenstone a few weeks back,’ Kíli said while rolling his eyes, not very keen on explaining to Dwalin who Fíli was for a second time.

‘And I want him to come ‘cause he’s interesting’, he remarked casually, and then realised how incredibly weird that must have sounded. ‘Not like that, you dickhead!’ he added a little frantically, because he could just feel Dwalin grinning in silence, wherever he was.

‘I’m sure’, came the highly amused reply from Dwalin. ‘Talk later.’

‘Dwalin, don’t you dare hang- oh for fuck’s sake’ Kíli lowered, but Dwalin had indeed hung up on him. 

 

‘So, where did you go this week?’ Kíli asked as he dumped himself lazily on the sofa next to Thorin, who made an amused oof-noise. 

Thorin didn’t visit them often. He was always on the move, travelling a lot, and left The Arkenstone in the very capable hands of Glóin and the others and was only in Erebor for a weekend every now and then. 

‘Nowhere special,’ Thorin said and casted an amused glance at Kíli’s dad. ‘Rivendell, you see.’

Saying the word “Rivendell” near Heptifili was never a good idea, unless you wanted him out of the room as soon as possible (and maybe, Kíli thought, that was exactly what Thorin wanted). It was a common known fact that Dwarves usually weren’t too keen on Elves, but Heptifili took it to a whole new level. 

‘Rivendell!’ he sputtered indignantly and he was already getting up from his chair. ‘Loathsome place, I tell you. Blasted Elves and their… their… houses and… I’ll go to the kitchen and help your mother with… what she’s doing.’

Thorin and Kíli both watched as Heptifili tramped out of the living room, face contorted in gruff discomfort, and then both bursted out laughing.

‘It was breath-taking, truly,’ Thorin commented somewhat loftly after they settled down. ‘Rivendell, I mean. I’ve got some pictures, want to see?’

Kíli got into a better position and stared at the photo’s Thorin was showing from his phone. It all looked so… unreal. A huge, ancient-looking structure, built against a steep mountainside with waterfalls springing under it. The sunlight in the photo beautifully complimented the bright green and yellow colours of the forest around the palace, making it look even more like it was lifted directly from some fairy tale.

‘Whoa,’ was all Kíli could say, genuinely in awe.

Thorin chuckled gently and added after a natural silence, ‘I’d been there before, with Frerin. When he was…’

‘Feeling depressed and suicidal. No need to sugar-coat it, Thorin,’ Kíli interrupted a bit too harshly, and felt sorry immediately. ‘Do you miss him?’ he asked then, not really knowing why. Of course Thorin missed him, Frerin was his brother for crying out loud.

‘Immensely,’ Thorin said simply. ‘Kíli… I know you and Frerin were close, but you must know…’

‘That it’s not my fault, yeah yeah,’ Kíli cut Thorin off again, avoiding the piercing look Thorin was no doubt giving him. ‘I’m sorry, Thorin. I just don’t want to talk about it now.’

But did he ever want to talk about it? Could anyone really understand what he and Frerin had had? The answer to that question was no, Kíli knew. The numerous psychologists and therapists he had had over the years didn’t, at least. And why would anybody want to understand. Frerin was gone. He had left Kíli and his family alone, and Kíli didn’t know if he could ever forgive him for that. But at the same time, he could have helped. He could have stopped him when he walked out the door that day, supposedly going to the supermarket for groceries. If he had, Frerin would still have been here today. But Kíli hadn’t stopped him, and Frerin didn’t return from the supermarket. Instead, when the doorbell rang, a police officer was standing in the doorway, and Kíli could still remember his heart going cold the second his mother had started crying. 

He almost broke down, then and there, on the couch next to his other uncle, but pulled himself together at the last moment. 

‘Actually… erm, Thorin, there is something I wanted to ask,’ he said somewhat feebly.

‘Yes?’ Thorin replied curiously. 

‘Baruk Khazâd is back this year. Me and Dwalin are going, you want to come along? If you’ve got time, of course,’ Kíli asked, and regarded Thorin hopefully while he was making his decision.

‘Yeah… yeah, I think I can make some time for that,’ Thorin said a tad cautiously, but it was enough for Kíli.

‘Awesome! And do you think you can get me into touch with Fíli? I wanted to ask him to come as well,’ Kíli carried on, forcing himself to be enthusiastic to mask that he just almost had a nervous breakdown.

‘Fíli?’ Thorin spoke slowly and he frowned. ‘Name rings a bell, but…’

‘You have to be kidding me, you as well?’ Kíli laughed in exasperation. ‘Blonde long-haired dwarf, he was with your Hobbit at the Arkenstone a few weeks back.’

‘Oh yes, I remember now… And excuse me? My Hobbit? I certainly have no idea who you’re talking about,’ Thorin huffed, which caused a wide grin to appear on Kíli’s face. Sometimes Thorin acted like he was a mere quarter of his age, and it was hilarious.

‘Right,’ Kíli teased. ‘Just try to get me Fíli’s number the next time you two do… something together.’

‘Pfft,’ was Thorin’s response, and that was enough for Kíli to know that he had agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that festival is gonna be something, I can tell you that already ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for helping this story reach 1000+ hits! That's incredible <3 Chapter up ahead, is quite feelsy, and deals again with some pretty heavy stuff. So if you're easily triggered, be careful!

The first couple of days after their adventure at The Arkenstone, Fíli was on some sort of natural high. Even though it had been a scary experience throughout, it had made him feel… alive, for lack of a better word.   
Now, that feeling had almost completely worn off, and Fíli was suddenly very aware that everything that used to bring him at least some joy, now seemed like the most boring thing in the entire universe. And the other people at the clinic seemed even more dull and uninteresting than before, which Fíli hadn’t even considered possible.   
Bilbo, however, was everything but dull and uninteresting. He was more distracted than ever, even though he tried desperately not to let it show. Burning food and forgetting groceries were frequent errors in his behaviour as of late, but most of all, Bilbo just stared.

‘Hello? Middle-Earth to Bilbo,’ Fíli said as he snapped his fingers in front of Bilbo’s face a few times.

‘Hmm? Oh sorry, what were you saying, Fíli?’ Bilbo gibbered as he startled out of his dazed state. 

‘I was saying that the food was delicious. Maybe try some of it yourself?’ Fíli chuckled.

Bilbo flushed and laughed rather frenetically. ‘Oh, how very silly of me!’ he exclaimed before picking up his fork and pricking a piece of potato absent-mindedly. 

‘So did he ask you out already or...?’ Fíli asked casually after having watched Bilbo mess around with his food for a moment. 

On the other side of the table, Bilbo half-choked on his sausages, and then hopelessly tried to plaster an innocent smile on his face before looking at Fíli. ‘Excuse me, but who are you talking about it?’

Fíli huffed a laugh. ‘Oh come on, Bilbo. I’m not completely oblivious, contrary to popular belief. Has Thorin asked you out after we went to the Arkenstone? Yes or no?’

Bilbo bit his lip as if it was an incredibly difficult question. ‘No…’ he started, before going quiet. 

‘But?’ Fíli pressed on, hopeful.

‘I uhm… I asked him out,’ Bilbo peeped and he looked away from Fíli in an attempt to hide his blush. But there was no giddy smile in his eyes, and suddenly Fíli was worrying.

‘Oh…’ he said a bit dumbly. ‘Did he… say no?’ he asked with some disbelief. The way he had seen Thorin look at Bilbo that night in the café, there was no doubt that there was chemistry between the two of them. Thorin would never have rejected Bilbo, right?

‘Oh no, no, no, that’s not it,’ Bilbo reassured him rather frantically. ‘He said he was going away for some time to Rivendell, but that he would call me when he got back. He asked me to wait for him…’

Fíli sighed in relief when Bilbo’s lips curled up in a tiny smile at that remark. ‘Well, good for you! Any idea when he comes back?’

‘Not exactly, no. But I’ll just-‘

Bilbo was interrupted by his phone ringing, and he frowned as he fished it from his pocket. ‘Who in their right mind calls during dinner-hours?’ he muttered curtly, but then his eyes widened as he looked at the caller-ID, and he shot Fíli a nervous glance.

‘What?’ Fíli asked, his curiosity getting the best of him. ‘Who is it?’

But Bilbo didn’t answer him directly. Instead, he picked up the phone and breathed, ‘Thorin, hey.’

Fíli’s mouth fell open and he put down his fork. ‘Put it on speaker!’ he hissed teasingly at Bilbo, who waved him off nervously. 

‘Of course! I was the one who asked in the first place!’ the Hobbit stressed into the phone. ‘Baruk Khazâd? Well, yeah... yeah! I’ve never been to a Dwarvish festival before actually, how exciting!’ 

Bilbo suddenly frowned and Fíli perked up in his chair some more. 

‘Fíli?’ Bilbo said slowly, and said dwarf felt the hairs on his neck stand up straight. Why was he being named? Surely this was between Thorin and Bilbo, what could he possibly have to do with all this? 

‘Well, Fíli doesn’t have a phone, actually,’ Bilbo said, still frowning, but Fíli could see a hint of amusement in his eyes. And honestly, he didn’t know if that was good or bad, but it made him relax somewhat.

‘I’ll pass the message on to him, don’t worry,’ Bilbo reassured, offering a smile that Thorin could not see. ‘And Thorin… Is there… any chance we can meet up before that? Just a coffee or something,’ he continued, and Fíli couldn’t help smirking when he was the Hobbit’s face turning scarlet.

‘Alright. See you then,’ Bilbo half-giggled into the phone after a tense silence. Fíli felt like he was watching some romantic comedy flick or something. 

Bilbo hung up, put away his phone, let out a long sigh and stared out of the window with such a love-struck look in that Fíli couldn’t stop himself from laughing, gaining the desired effect of Bilbo turning to him again. 

‘What?’ he asked Fíli, smiling nervously, like there was absolutely no reason for Fíli to crack up. ‘Why are you laughing?’

‘You of course!’ Fíli exclaimed through his laughter. ‘You, being all crazy about him, distracted by literally everything, ¬all the time, it’s just adorable!’

‘I am not distracted by anything!’ Bilbo huffed in indignation, which only caused Fíli to have another laughing fit. Bilbo blushed heavily as he sat back in his chair, and started eating stoically. 

‘Sorry about that,’ Fíli puffed after a while, receiving a grumble from Bilbo in response. ‘Oh, and what was that about me? You would pass on a message?’ he continued curiously. 

‘Oh, yes that. Nothing important,’ Bilbo said as casually as he could, knowing exactly how to tease Fíli.

‘Oh come on Bilbo, I’ll stop making fun of you, promise,’ Fíli lied convincingly. 

Bilbo chuckled. ‘Good. So, Thorin asked me if I wanted to join him, his nephew and his friend to the Baruk Khazâd festival next month. And apparently Kíli had asked for your number.’

Fíli frowned in confusion. ‘Why?’

Now it was Bilbo’s turn to laugh. ‘What was it you said earlier? Something about being not completely oblivious?’

Fíli shot him a glare and waited for Bilbo to continue.

‘Kíli wanted to ask you to come along too, obviously!’ Bilbo gave in finally. 

Fíli’s mouth fell open in astonishment, ‘he did?’

Bilbo nodded. ‘Take all the time you need to make a decision, Fíli, there is no pressure,’ he said reassuringly in his caretaker-voice, as Fíli called it. 

‘What do you think I should do?’ Fíli asked unsteadily, suspecting he already knew the answer.

Bilbo sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Fíli, but this is a decision I want you to make for yourself. Just know that I will stand by you no matter what that decision is.’

‘Yeah…’ Fíli sighed, a bit taken aback. He wasn’t sure how to feel about this at all. Sure, he had felt like Kíli and him got along pretty well (when you ignored the occasional conversational fuck-ups), but being offered to go with him, his friend and his uncle to a festival? That was quite something…

Fíli couldn’t sleep that night. Or the nights after that, for that matter. He hated how this decision was weighing so heavily upon his shoulders, when normal people would probably just decide straight away, depending on if they had the money. Fíli didn’t care if it cost money. He was terrified of what he could encounter there. Things… happened at festivals, he had been to ones before. But not for the music, oh no.   
When he closed his eyes he could still recall the image of the people around him, eyeing him with disgust as he swayed around the fields, so heavily intoxicated that he didn’t even know where he was, who he was…  
What if it happened again this time? Despite Bilbo often saying how proud he was that Fíli was doing so well, he knew that he was still weak, that if he was too reckless, his world would just come tumbling down again. Like it always had, like it always would. Being optimistic was dangerous, and Fíli sometimes felt like he was the only one who thought that way. But did that make it wrong?   
He knew that Bilbo wanted him to go, even though he said he would support Fíli no matter what. Imagining telling his best friend to go to the festival alone was horrible, seeing the flicker of disappointment in Bilbo’s eyes before he would smile reassuringly.   
But was it worse than agreeing to go with him, and then disappointing him by…

By doing what, exactly? Bilbo would be there. Maybe, if Fíli would stick with him, he would be safe from himself.   
Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith, his mother used to say. Fíli wanted to ask her, scream at her, if that was what she thought when she decided to leave him. But as much as he hated her for it, he knew she had a point. He remembered how much fun he had at the Arkenstone, around other people, and realised that he had wanted nothing else ever since. 

And so, in a sudden act of perhaps foolish determination, Fíli got up from the bed, ran into the living room and dialled Bilbo’s number on the home phone. 

‘Hello? Who is this?’ a sleepy Bilbo sounded.

Fíli gulped and realised that it was in fact the middle of the night. ‘It’s Fíli…’ he said apologetically, but he was interrupted by Bilbo before he could continue.

‘Fíli? Why aren’t you asleep? Are you alright?’

Fíli smiled faintly at Bilbo’s worried voice, and quickly reassured him, ‘Yes yes, I’m fine actually. Just… couldn’t sleep.’

‘Oh…’ Bilbo said, obviously still confused. ‘Was there something in particular you needed me for?’

‘Well, yeah. I’ll come with. To the uhm… festival.’ The words rolled out of Fíli’s mouth before he could stop them, and that was it then. No turning back. 

‘Oh…’ it sounded again from the phone, but it could also have been a yawn.

Silence.

‘Oh!’ Bilbo exclaimed then. ‘Oh but that’s wonderful news Fíli, just wonderful! I will let Thorin know immediately and then tomorrow we’ll –‘

‘Maybe it’s a better idea not to call up Thorin in the middle of the night, Bilbo,’ Fíli snorted, and then realised something with a shock. ‘Wait… is he? I mean, have you? Bilbo, did you and Thorin… you know?’ he sputtered. 

‘What are you talking about?’ Bilbo just said before understanding what Fíli was insinuating. ‘Oh no! No, definitely not! He is not here! He is… well, I don’t know where he is, but not with me, I assure you! I’m not saying I’d mind if… Well that doesn’t matter! I will text him the news, is what I meant! Bye now, Fíli, I will see you tomorrow! Or today actually, when you think about it, haha… Well, uhm, yes, bye.’

Fíli burst out laughing as soon as Bilbo had hung up after his flustered gibberish. If there was anything that could make him crack up at any time of day, it was talking to an awkward Hobbit named Bilbo.

Chuckling and shaking his head, he went back to bed and fell asleep surprisingly quickly. 

~

‘Hey Fíli, I’m on my way now. What’s up?’ 

‘What did I do last night?’

‘Don’t you remember? You called me at like 3am and said you would come with us to the festival! I’m really happy you’re joining us, Fíli, I thought we would meet with the others soon so we could discuss the whats and hows. I mean, we’ll be needing a tent and other camping gear, and we mustn’t forget tickets, of course! And… Fíli, are you there?’

…

‘Fíli?’

~

‘I can’t stop it, Bilbo,’ Fíli said. 

Bilbo instantly sat up in his chair. Fíli hadn’t spoke for the past hour, despite his and the doctors attempts to ask him what happened. He reached for the button that would call the nurse, but changed his mind.

‘What can’t you stop?’ Bilbo asked quietly. 

‘What did I do?’ Fíli just asked, staring at the heavy binding around his arm. ‘I don’t remember…’

Bilbo froze. He knew the answer to the question, but was he the right person to tell Fíli? 

‘I’m so fucked up,’ Fíli said, and Bilbo’s heart almost broke at hearing the sadness and frustration in his voice. He rushed over to the bed and took Fíli’s hand into his own.

‘We all are in a way, Fíli,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Do you want me to tell you what happened?’

‘I tried it, didn’t I?’ Fíli whispered after what could have been 10 seconds or 10 minutes. 

Bilbo nodded almost unnoticeably and gently squeezed Fíli’s hand.

‘I’m sorry,’ Fíli said, staring at the sheets of the hospital bed. ‘I don’t think I wanted to… I didn’t know what I was doing.’

Bilbo was immensely relieved to hear that, but he didn’t show it. ‘Fíli, this is not a punishment, but I think it’s important you start seeing a therapist. You have had a more difficult life than most of us, and talking about it, though difficult, will help over time, I promise you.’

Fíli nodded slowly. ‘I just… How do I stop this, Bilbo? I want to not think, but I can’t help it. I just always think. And then I do things like this, and I don’t know why.’

‘You’re unhappy, Fíli,’ Bilbo said sadly. ‘I just wished I had noticed sooner, so I could have helped you sooner. You do know that I mean it when I say I’m proud of you, right?’

‘Yeah…’ Fíli began. ‘But it doesn’t do anything for me, because I’m not proud myself. I hate myself for being weak all the time, and inconsiderate, and insecure and... And I hate my parents. I just want to stop thinking, that’s all I want,’ Fíli cried into Bilbo shoulder. It wasn’t comfortable, with him lying down and Bilbo sitting up, but it made him feel safe for a while.

‘It’ll be alright,’ Bilbo kept repeating. In truth he wanted to tell Fíli that he wasn’t weak, or inconsiderate, but that he was a wonderful, thoughtful, kind person who had had an extremely unlucky, difficult life so far. But for now he just let Fíli wet his cardigan with his tears, before he lowered the sleeping dwarf back into the bed, and started crying himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for that :( Fili really had a shit life, and so yeah, he is a bit fucked up. He was really overwhelmed, and he can't deal with that, and so he kinda shuts down, and he does stuff that he later regrets and doesn't really remember. All he really wants, is to be like 'everyone else'. And he hates himself for not being able to be like that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the continued support everyone! :D Hope you enjoy this chapter! I do warn you about some talk of suicide though!

‘And that then?’

‘Too expensive.’

‘Hmm… and this one?’

‘Really, mum?’

‘Sorry. Oh, Kíli, this one!’

‘Hmm,’ Kíli mumbled and slowly followed where Dís’ finger was pointing. 

‘It’s quite affordable, it’s reasonably close by as well, and the interior doesn’t look too bad either, don’t you think?’ his mother continued when Kíli didn’t say anything else.

‘Yeah, I guess,’ Kíli said, not ready to believe that maybe, maybe he finally found something worth his time. He almost thought it was too good to be true. 

He was rudely interrupted from intently staring at the computer screen by his mother shoving the home-phone against his ear. ‘I’ve called the number. Remember, you really want this apartment and you can pay for it,’ she said pragmatically. 

Kíli startled and flailed his arms around in an attempt to catch the phone which Dís dropped, and quickly pressed his ear against it once more after he eventually snatched it from the floor.

And just in time.

‘Yes?’ an aged voice sounded from the other side. 

‘Uhm, hi,’ Kíli began, and he rapidly scanned the computer screen for the name of the apartment’s owner. ‘Is this Mr Grey?’

‘Depends,’ the voice retorted gruffly. ‘What is it you need from him?’

Kíli gulped. He had a feeling Mr Grey maybe wasn’t the most hospital landlord. Too good to be true, after all. ‘I, uhm, saw your Internet ad, about the apartment. I am very interested and I’d like to make an appointment to come see it,’ Kíli replied nervously, while fiercely wishing that Mahal had made more capable of dealing with glum people like Mr Grey. 

Kíli wasn’t sure the voice that answered him belonged to the same person he heard earlier. 

‘Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?’ the voice laughed joyfully. ‘My name is Gandalf, I’m afraid I didn’t catch yours?’

Kíli closed his mouth, which had fallen open in confusion when Mr Grey had gone from grumpy to cheerful in a mere moment. ‘It’s Kíli, ‘ he stammered. ‘Kíli Oakenshield.’

‘Excellent! I happen to be very near to the apartment right now, how about you meet me there in 15 minutes, Mr Oakenshield? I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out just fine.’

Kíli’s mouth fell open once again. His previous endeavours with landlords had all resulted in him waiting weeks for a call back after hearing that ‘we have visitors coming every day for the next 2 weeks, we’ll let you know when there is time’, and Mr Grey was offering him to see the apartment today? ‘Uhm, yes. Yes, that would be fantastic, actually. And just Kíli is fine,’ he said.

Mr Grey chuckled. ‘Very well, Kíli. See you in 15 minutes then!’

‘Yes, 15 minutes. Thank you, Mr Grey.’

‘Just Gandalf is fine.’ 

~

And so it was, that 20 minutes later, Kíli was approached by an old but brisk looking man with a long beard, walking up to him wearing cinereous robes and a pointy hat of the same shade. Kíli bit the inside of his mouth to keep from bursting out laughing. The man looked like he came straight from a LARPing convention or something. 

‘My sincerest apologies for being late, Kíli,’ Gandalf said earnestly. ‘Apparently I wasn’t as close to the apartment as I thought I was. And to think I’ve lived in Erebor for over two hundred years…’

Kíli was starting to think his (hopefully) future landlord was mad. Men rarely reached ages above a hundred, so two hundred was simply impossible. ‘Don’t worry about it,’ he just said, a bit lost for words. 

Gandalf smiled warmly at him. ‘Well, let me show you around!’

The place was absolutely gorgeous. It felt much more spacious than it actually was, it had the exact number of rooms Kíli needed, and best of all, it was a mess. A serious mess. The floors were covered in crumpled up papers and sheets, there was dust on the shelves, Kíli thought he even spotted a lone sock. It felt like a home. 

‘Oh my, the state this place is in!’ Gandalf exclaimed at the sight of the living room. ‘My apologies again, Kíli. I work in here sometimes you see, I’m a writer. I really ought to clean up next time a visitor comes…’

‘No no, I really like it,’ Kíli quickly reassured him. ‘I enjoy the mess, it makes the place feel real, you know?’ He remembered when Tauriel showed him their apartment in Dale for the first time, so clean and spotless. Back then he only cared for her to be happy, and she had seemed truly content with the place. Once again he was surprised by the absence of a sting in his heart. 

Gandalf chuckled and stared at him with a knowing look in his eyes, like he had just read Kíli’s mind. ‘I do know, my dear fellow.’

Gandalf showed him the rest of the apartment, and Kíli was getting more excited by the minute. His own place again, which he didn’t need to share with anyone but himself. He quickly skimmed through the papers Gandalf gave him, but found no drawbacks so a signature was set and an agreement was made. Kíli almost couldn’t believe how lucky he was, and made a vow to abundantly thank his mother for showing him Mr Grey’s ad. 

‘Splendid! You’ll be able to bring your belongings next week, is that possible? ‘ Gandalf asked after a very firm but not unpleasant handshake. 

‘Yes, no problem at all!’ Kíli said with a smile. ‘Thank you very much for your time, Mr Grey.’

‘It’s Gandalf, remember,’ Gandalf scolded him amusedly. ‘I’m afraid I have business elsewhere I need to take care of, if there are any questions that come to mind later, please do call.’

They said their goodbyes and Kíli happily strolled back home, almost skipping. This needed celebration, he thought.

‘Dwalin, got plans tonight?’ Kíli asked through the phone on which he just called his friend.

‘No, what’s up?’

‘Well you have plans now. You’re coming with me to the Arkenstone to celebrate that I just found an apartment,’ Kíli exulted joyfully.

‘Aye, that needs celebration indeed, count me in! Congratulations lad, when are you moving in?’ Dwalin asked.

‘Next week already. I met the landlord today, who is by the way, a massive nutcase, and he told me to bring my stuff in next Monday,’ Kíli replied.

‘Would love to meet the bloke one day,’ Dwalin chuckled. ‘If you need help moving, I’m your guy.’

Kíli, who hadn’t even thought about how he would actually get his belongings to his new home, smiled to himself at Dwalin’s thoughtfulness. ‘Thanks mate, I appreciate that. Pick me up at 9 later? I think Thorin is working tonight, by the way.’

‘I’ll be there, see ya then.’

Back home, Kíli told his parents all about his new place, about his lunatic of a landlord, that he would be gone by next week and-

‘Next week already?!’ Dís exclaimed before Kíli could finish his sentence. ‘But I so enjoyed having you around again… oh I will miss you so much!’ she twaddled before enveloping Kíli into a tight hug.

‘Mum, it’s like a 15 minute walk from here, you know that right? It’s not like I’ll be gone forever,’ Kíli chuckled, but he hugged back fiercely.   
After that there was dinner and dessert, and Kíli’s good mood could not falter, of which his dad made good use by making him help his mother doing the dishes, sorting the laundry and sweeping the floors. It wasn’t until the doorbell rang that he realised he had been doing all the household chores while his parents were sitting back with a cup of coffee.

‘I’m going out, probably won’t be home till late,’ Kíli told his parents and then stepped outside to meet Dwalin. 

~

It was a reasonably quiet night at the Arkenstone, yet still it was overflowing with good people and jolly atmosphere, and Kíli only felt happier because of it. All of his friends congratulated him abundantly, from little Gimli (Gloin’s wee lad) to massive Bombur, and Kíli felt grateful for having friends like these. There was only one thing missing. 

‘Where’s Thorin? I thought he’d work tonight,’ Kíli asked Gloin, and worry began to stir inside him when the other dwarf’s face fell slightly. ‘What’s going on?’ he insisted. 

‘I don’t know lad,’ Gloin hushed quickly. ‘He texted me saying that he wouldn’t be able to make it until late tonight, nothing to worry about.’

Kíli narrowed his eyes, as he was fairly certain that there was more to this, but Gloin withstood the glare impressively and instead turned to the rest of the company. ‘How about we get some ale flowing?’ he yelled loudly while thrusting his fists in the air and was met with a loud ‘aye!’ coming from here and there.

Kíli tried to ignore the knot of worry in his stomach, but quickly discovered that bright moods were indeed infectious, when Bombur announced that he had brought some of his best pies along, and there was loud cheering all around. 

It was an hour or two later when Kíli found himself, a bit tipsy, sitting next to Dwalin on one of the beautifully carved wooden benches, both trying their absolute hardest to not explode with laughter when Gloin was getting a fair bit of scolding from his wife over not bringing little Gimli home before bedtime. 

‘He was probably with that Hobbit of his, you know,’ Dwalin said when the show was over.

‘Yeah, probably,’ Kíli said. He knew Dwalin was trying to settle his nerves, and even though he was feeling more than fine, he appreciated it. He knew Dwalin cared for him, and had seen him at his very lowest, and would do almost anything if it would prevent Kíli from going back to that state. It needn’t be said, for they both knew they had each other’s back, at all times. 

‘Bull’s-eye!’ young Ori suddenly shouted when he skilfully hit Dwalin right on the nose with a piece of pie, using his little slingshot. Dwalin jumped up with a snarl and sprinted after Ori to catch him, but the shooter was agile and easily avoided Dwalin’s boorish attempts to grab him.   
Kíli laughed along with the others, and patted Ori on the shoulder when Dwalin had given up his efforts to catch his breath. He was still young, only a couple of year older than Gimli, but Ori was already an intelligent, kind, spirited dwarf. However, he was also quite mischievous and enjoyed pulling a prank every now and then, to the deprecation of his older brother Dori. 

‘Don’t you have a school day tomorrow?’ Kíli whispered to Ori, so that his brother would not hear.

‘Yeah,’ Ori whispered back. ‘But Dori is drunk enough that he forgot, so I’m making the most of it. Besides, I’m having way too much fun here with everyone.’

Kíli snickered and suddenly had an idea. ‘Watch this,’ he told Ori before using the chair next to him as stairs leading up to the table. Maybe not the best idea when intoxicated, because he nearly lost his balance and tumbled right down again. 

‘My fellow dwarves!’ he began loudly, and all eyes turned to him. 

‘Blimey! For a second I thought you were an Elf, being so tall!’ Bofur exclaimed and the others cheered and roared with laughter.

‘No Master Bofur, don’t you worry!’ Kíli continued. ‘I am Kíli Oakenshield, and I wanted to thank you all for being here tonight!’

More cheering. 

‘Now as some of you may know,’ Kíli said, quieter now, ‘the mighty Baruk Khazâd festival is coming to Erebor in 3 weeks…’

‘Aye, aye…’ it sounded quizzically from here and there. 

‘…and I could personally use a weekend of good music, good ale, and most of all good company! So, who joins me to the festival?’ Kíli concluded enthusiastically and threw his hands in the air. He was met with an incredible sound wave of exultancy, thumping feet and clattering cutlery. 

Ori was the first to stand up. ‘I’m up for it!’ he shouted.

A blink of an eye later it was Dori who stood up. ‘If he goes, I go!’ 

Dwalin didn’t bother standing up, but Kíli didn’t miss his nod towards him, and he nodded back with a smile. 

Gloin then rose, followed by Bofur and both cheered ‘aye!’, with bright smiles towards Kíli.

Right when Kíli had stepped down again, the door opened and Kíli knew it was Thorin. He quickly ran towards his uncle, ready to tell him all about his day, ready to tell him about all the wonderful news he had… But when Thorin turned around, Kíli froze. Thorin’s eyes were red from crying, and that meant there was something amiss, seriously amiss. 

‘Kíli, akhunith,’ Thorin said with a smile, but his eyes were deep with sorrow, and Kíli shivered how much they resembled Frerin’s eyes, what he had sometimes looked like when Kíli came home from school, all those years ago. 

His heart pounding rapidly, Kíli guided Thorin back outside without saying a word. 

‘You should be at home,’ Kíli said, avoiding Thorin’s confused gaze.

‘What do you mean?’ his uncle said. 

‘You look dreadful, Thorin! What happened?’ said Kíli, his own eyes filling with tears now. This was all way too familiar. 

‘I’m fine,’ Thorin stated, and he had to realise how unconvincing it sounded. ‘I’ll be fine. I just need some time to think.’

Kíli’s blood ran cold at those words and he couldn’t look up, afraid that he would see Frerin standing before him, before fading away.

‘What happened?’ he asked again, his voice trembling with fear and pain.

Thorin sighed deeply. ‘Bilbo, his…’ he began unsteadily. ‘His friend, Fíli… he tried to commit suicide. Was found on the roof, wrists sliced open. The doctors… they almost lost him.’

Kíli felt like his legs could collapse beneath him at any second. He tried to focus on his breathing, on the quiet rustling of the wind, anything to keep from thinking of the image inside his head of Fíli, sitting somewhere alone in the dark, with a knife…

‘Fuck,’ he breathed. ‘Why?’

And Thorin told his nephew everything Bilbo had told him. Told him who Fíli was, what he had been through. About his parents abandoning him, his time in the orphanage and on the street, his drug addiction, everything he knew. Then he engulfed Kíli into a hug, trying to make him feel as safe and warm as he could, to make him forget about that what he was undoubtedly thinking about at the moment, though he knew Kíli could never forget. 

So Thorin just held him, and Kíli buried his head in the soft fur of his coat, and cried like he hadn’t in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for ending another chapter on such a sad note :( 
> 
> I decided to make Ori a bit like a rebellious teenager, less like the more shy, childish character he is usually depicted as (nothing against that depiction, just wanted to try something else :D).  
> Also decided that the festival-company won't consist of all the dwarves of the erebor-quest in the book/movies. So what it looks like now, we'll have Kili, Dwalin, Bofur, Gloin, Ori and Dori (and Thorin, Bilbo and Fili hopefully!)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry my updates take so long :S I have school besides this project, and I'm working on about 3 EP's (I'm a music producer), AND I have taken up drawing, so often there is little time...
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, lotsa feels as always, I hope I can start moving to something more... uh, cheerful later.

‘So, how are you feeling?’

Fíli stared at the man sitting on the chair opposite his own, a warm and somewhat dreamy smile on his face. ‘Great,’ he managed eventually, but he had already forgotten what question that was an answer to. 

‘If you’d rather go inside, that’s quite alright,’ the man said kindly, watching Fíli carefully. 

‘No that’s alright. It’s just… not what I expected,’ Fíli replied with a hasty smile. It was a beautiful sunny day, and even though Fíli didn’t mind the usual dimness of the mountain, it was pleasant for a change, to be outside. 

The man gave a hearty laugh. ‘I know that some of my colleagues frown upon my perhaps unpopular methods. But I always feel more myself when I’m outside, hearing the birds chirp the loveliest songs and the branches creak in the rustling of the wind.’

Fíli wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he just smiled back.

‘But we’re here to talk about you,’ the man said after a moment. ‘So I’ll ask you again. How are you feeling?’

‘Good,’ Fíli said instinctively, almost instantaneously. He flushed when the man’s eyebrows arched up amusedly at the rapidness of his answer.

‘Forgive me Fíli, but most people who have just recovered from a suicide attempt don’t feel good,’ he said, and Fíli was relieved that he found no pity or sadness in the man’s tone, nor in his eyes.  
‘Can you tell me why you tried what you tried?’ the man continued.

‘I don’t think I can,’ Fíli said after thinking about it for a while. ‘It’s a bit of a blur, to be honest, sorry.’

‘No need to apologise,’ the man said kindly. ‘Can you tell me what the earliest thing is that you can remember before it happened?’

‘I remember having dinner with Bilbo. He was on the phone with Thorin.’ Fíli said and he couldn’t help smiling at the memory of Bilbo, all fussy and in love. ‘And then I went to bed, I couldn’t sleep, and then I called Bilbo to tell him that I wanted to come to the festival, and after that there’s nothing,’ he continued, and only realised when he had stopped talking that he was sweating.

If the man noticed, he didn’t show it. ‘Does it happen often that you can’t sleep?’ he just asked.

‘Only every night,’ Fíli said dryly, and to his surprise the man chuckled. 

‘And have you told anyone about this? Bilbo, perhaps?’ he asked.

‘No,’ Fíli responded softly and gazed around the large garden to avoid the man’s look, though friendly it was. 

‘Why not?’

Fíli bit his lip and studied the complex patterns on the fountain a couple of yards away, as if he was thinking. He really wasn’t, because the answer was simple. ‘Because I don’t want to be a burden,’ he muttered at last, and wondered if he had spoken loud enough. He imagined Bilbo sat next to him, instantly assuring him that he could never ever be a burden, after hearing Fíli’s words. 

‘I see,’ was all the man said, and he scribbled something down in his little brown notebook, before putting it down on his lap. 

‘I think that’s enough for our first session, Fíli. Same time on Thursday?’ he said, smiling brightly again. 

Fíli slowly stood up, using his arm was still a bit painful. ‘Yeah, okay,’ he said, feeling a strange mixture of relief and disappointment that it was already over. ‘I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid I don’t know your name.’

The man threw his head back and laughed. ‘I didn’t even introduce myself when you came in? Well my name is Radagast the Brown, a pleasure to meet you, Fíli the Dwarf!’ Radagast said and he extended his hand to Fíli. 

Fíli found himself sniggering at that, and shook the large human hand. ‘Likewise,’ he said and refrained from correcting Radagast that his last name was actually Durinson, and not the Dwarf. 

~

‘And, what was it like?’ Bilbo asked when Fíli sat down at the dinner table. It was beyond weird, sitting here again, after all that had happened.

Fíli pondered for a moment. ‘Odd,’ he said eventually, and Bilbo frowned.

‘Odd? That’s it?’ he questioned. 

‘Well, yes,’ Fíli retorted. ‘I mean, it was outside, which I wasn’t expecting. I just thought I’d be lying on some old sofa telling my life story while he made notes and stuff. Like in the movies.’

Bilbo snorted.

‘What?’ Fíli asked with an inquisitive grin.

‘I never understood where the stereotype therapist came from,’ Bilbo chuckled. ‘I don’t think it’s ever actually like that.’

Fíli inclined his head slightly. ‘How would you know?’ he asked curiously, but not invasively.

‘You think I’ve never been in therapy?’ Bilbo asked with an amused twinkle in his eyes.

In all honesty, Fíli had never really thought about it. Bilbo was always so good at everything, so flawless. ‘Have you?’ Fíli asked, and cleared his throat when his voice sounded hoarse. 

‘You bet I have,’ Bilbo said and the amused twinkle morphed into something else, something that Fíli had never really witnessed before with Bilbo, not like this. Vulnerability. 

‘When my parents died I became quite depressed and distant,’ the Hobbit continued. ‘I didn’t really notice it myself, but I was alienating from those around me, and from my family. Most days I didn’t leave the house unless I really had to.’

He paused for a second, grief and frustration flashing over his face. Fíli wanted to say he didn’t have to continue if he didn’t want to, but Bilbo spoke. 

‘I couldn’t process emotion anymore. Couldn’t cry over my loss, not even if I wanted nothing else. Losing my parents was… a shock, that’s the best way to put it I think. A terrible shock that changed something in my very core, a shock that rendered me completely unable to… to function.’

Fíli stared at Bilbo with wide eyes. It was very unlike Bilbo to be so open, and Fíli was not sure how to react. ‘Bilbo, I…’ he stuttered, but he flinched when Bilbo cut him off rather harshly. 

‘Please promise me you will never try again, Fíli. You’re too dear to me, I don’t want to go through a loss like that again.’

The honest pain in his voice struck something in Fíli, and he tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. ‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered. ‘I never meant to upset you. It was… a selfish thing to do, and I won’t do it again.’

Bilbo sighed and his anger seemed to subside. ‘That’s not really what I meant, Fíli. I care for you, I want you to be happy, I want to help you. But in order for me to help you, you have to talk to me. Not necessarily now, or tomorrow, but if there’s ever something on your mind that you feel like talking about, I’m always here for you, cliché as it sounds,’ he said. 

‘Okay, yeah,’ Fíli whispered.

There was an awkward silence for a bit, and then Bilbo got up from his chair. ‘Come on, there’s dishes to be done,’ he said cheerfully, and Fíli felt his shoulders slump in relief. 

Dishes were done and the tense atmosphere disappeared, and after that Bilbo had to go. 

‘I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?’ he told Fíli while he hurled a huge colourful scarf around his neck that screamed Bilbo. 

Fíli chuckled lightly, but stopped when he saw worry on Bilbo’s face. ‘Yeah, you will see me tomorrow,’ he said when the underlying meaning of Bilbo’s words dawned on him. He was surprised by how steady his voice was, and glad when he saw Bilbo smile before stepping out the door. 

And he was alone. 

~

A sudden knock on the door woke Fíli from his slumber on the couch. Disorientated for a few seconds, he gazed around his room, only illuminated by the glowing of the TV. He checked the time, and saw that it was nearing midnight. Another knock, louder this time, reminded what woke him in the first place, and he frowned. He never had visitors around this hour, or better said, he never really had visitors anyway. 

He slowly got up from his comfortable position, walked to answer the door and stubbed his toe against the side table on the way. 

He was still cursing when he opened the door, but instantly forgot the pain when he saw who was on his doorstep.

‘You alright?’ said the brown-haired dwarf, and Fíli could just make out a grin on his face in the dim lighting of the hallway.

‘Yeah,’ he breathed, and stared at the other dwarf for a moment. If there was anyone he hadn’t expected, it was Kíli. 

‘Are you going to ask me to come inside?’ he asked amusedly. 

‘Oh shit, yeah, sorry,’ Fíli replied after he was startled out of his daze, and he was glad for the absence of light so Kíli couldn’t see his cheeks flush. 

He let Kíli step past him and watched him undo his coat, revealing a stylish ruby tunic under it. For a moment Fíli was entranced by his broad silhouette in the dark, before questions began to rise in his mind. He decided to start with the most obvious one.

‘How did you find out where I live?’ Fíli asked, managing to keep it from sounding rude or (overly) nervous.

Kíli walked a few steps towards him, and that damn grin was on his face again. ‘I know certain people,’ he said lowly, and Fíli swore he winked at him. 

Fíli decided that it was probably a joke, so he smiled back. ‘Something to drink?’ he asked, using it as an excuse to focus on something else than Kíli’s deep brown eyes that somehow made his face feel like a furnace.

Kíli cocked his head. ‘Suppose you don’t have ale,’ he remarked slyly. ‘Anything’s fine, really,’ he added then, his voice suddenly mild and friendly. 

Fíli grinned to himself at the remark, which really didn’t make any sense at all. Shouldn’t he be panicking or something? His grin turned into a frown, pleasantly confused by his own, well, calmness.

He got a can of sparkling soda for the both of them, and turned back to see Kíli hovering around the apartment. 

‘This is a cool place,’ Kíli said, and only then Fíli seemed to completely return to his senses. They were in the clinic. If Kíli knew that, he’d also know what Fíli…

It was dead silent in the room, which made the sound of Fíli’s blood rushing in his ears sound all the louder. ‘Do you know where we are?’ he managed eventually. 

‘A rehab clinic,’ Kíli stated simply, and to his annoyance Fíli couldn’t distinguish any meaningful undertone. 

‘I don’t care what you were in the past, Fíli,’ Kíli continued, and Fíli’s stomach hopped strangely at the mention of his name. ‘I care what you are now, and what you will become.’

Wow, this all sounded very movie-like, but Fíli felt his shoulders slump in pure relief. Kíli was being honest, that much he could hear. But he still had a strange foreboding feeling in his gut.

‘Who told you?’ he asked, voice steadier now.

‘Does it matter?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Thorin did. And Bilbo told him. No one else knows, I swear.’

That didn’t really make Fíli feel any better, unfortunately. What else did Bilbo tell Thorin? ‘How do you know?’ he breathed. 

Kíli merely shrugged, and that stirred something in Fíli. ‘I just know, I guess. I haven’t told anyone, and I highly doubt Thorin has either. He is the worst at socialising, you see.’

‘I take this was weeks ago? Glad you all went to such efforts to enlighten me,’ Fíli snarled all of the sudden, even surprising himself somewhat. 

Kíli didn’t budge, only raised an eyebrow. ‘What’s the problem here? People can’t know you’re in rehab? For your information, it’s a good thing, Fíli, it means you’re trying to better your life.’

‘It’s not exactly something I’m proud of, you could say that yeah,’ Fíli growled back. Kíli really wasn’t getting the bigger picture here. ‘I’m not getting better anyway.’

‘Oh, boo fucking hoo. So you decide leaving is a better option?’ Kíli retorted harshly. ‘Without telling me? Life isn’t easy, you know, get fucking used to it.’

Now Fíli was not only angry, but also confused. ‘What do you even mean? Leaving where?’

Kíli let out an exasperated grunt. ‘Fucking earth!’ he exclaimed frantically. 

And Fíli understood then. So Bilbo had told Thorin about the attempt as well, fucking marvellous. ‘I’m sorry, okay?!’ he shouted and to his satisfaction, Kíli did flinch this time. ‘That’s what you want to hear, right?’ he continued. ‘I’m sorry I can’t be as confident as you want me to be. I’m sorry I can’t be as adventurous as you want me to be. I’m sorry I can’t be as brave, or as calm, or as determined or as fearless as you want me to be. As you are. I really am. But I can’t just snap my fucking fingers and expect things to be alright, and everyone keeps telling me that I don’t have to apologise for anything, that I need to forget about my past, but it’s what I am. No one gets it.’

Fíli wasn’t even sure if he was talking just to Kíli anymore, but also to his parents, to Bilbo… His vision was clouded by tears, and when he suddenly felt Kíli’s arms around him, he shuddered. His body was warm, and smelled faintly of stone and sweat. Fíli had almost forgotten what it felt like to hug someone. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered between sobs in the soft fabric of Kíli’s clothes.

‘Yeah, I’m sorry too,’ said Kíli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Argh so much crying, I hope y'all aren't drowning ^^'
> 
> All support is hugely appreciated :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this is basically one big dialogue :') Enjoy!

Why was he so bloody nervous? He was just paying his good friend Fíli an unexpected visit, to ask what was up. It wasn’t like they had only met each other once before, and that there had been plenty of awkward moments between them. 

Oh wait, it was. 

But Kíli knew the true reason why he had come here. At least, he knew when he had left home. Now, actually standing in front of Fíli’s apartment, he was not so sure. 

‘You can’t undo the past, lad.’ Dwalin had told him. But that wasn’t at all what this was about. It was about making sure the past didn’t repeat itself.

So, after a deep breath, Kíli knocked on the door. And again. And then he felt worry creeping into him. I’m too late, he thought for a split second, but quickly dismissed it. He knocked one last time, and was about to walk away went he heard a sound coming from inside, followed by some very indecent cursing. If his mother was here…

The way Fíli’s glum expression turned into one of almost awe, was absolutely priceless, and Kíli couldn’t help grinning. 

They stepped inside after exchanging some meaningless words, and from there, everything seemed to fast-forward. One moment, they were being sarcastic about ale, then they were shouting at each other, and then Kíli was wrapping his arms around Fíli, purely out of instinct. 

‘It’s still dark here,’ Fíli muttered when he let go of Kíli’s tunic, and if his hands lingered, Kíli didn’t notice it.

Kíli snickered, ‘it is, actually.’ In truth, he was a bit wary of light at this point. If there was something that reminded him of Frerin, it was red-rimmed eyes that had just been crying.   
But Fíli was already walking off, arrived at what Kíli presumed was the location of the light switch, and suddenly, the room was filled with bright light, and Fíli turned around towards him and…

Oh. Huh.

The ache he was used to feeling right about now, was surprisingly absent this time. Instead, he found himself watching Fíli as he walked across the room to close the curtains. Yes, his eyes were red from earlier, but everything else was just… Wait, hold on, what was he thinking? That his friend looked cute in his simple jeans, white T-shirt and checkered loggers blouse? With his messy blonde locks and trimmed facial hair?  
Well, even if he did, which he obviously didn’t, it was simply an observation, one that any normal dwarf would be able to make. Or elf, or man, or anyone really. 

‘Was this why you came here?’ Fíli asked softly and Kíli returned to reality with a jolt. Without thinking of asking, he sat down on the couch. 

‘Yes,’ was the only thing he said after being quiet for long enough for this to be a very anti-climactic answer to Fíli. Would he want to know the truth? Was this the right time? 

‘Yes?’ Fíli asked and inclined his head amusedly. 

‘Yeah,’ Kíli just said again, and knew that he couldn’t keep it to himself. ‘My uncle Frerin, I told you about him, he committed suicide 2 years ago.’   
It always felt weird, telling people. Usually it never came to that anyway, everyone around him already knew. But now and then, moments like this came on his path, and there was always a sense of shame in him. His therapist had said it would get easier over time, but so far, not really. 

From the corner of his eye, he could see Fíli’s shoulders slump as he sat down on the couch next to Kíli. ‘Fuck, I’m sorry. Were you… close?’

Kíli turned his head at the sorrow in Fíli’s voice. ‘Yeah, we were actually. Annoyingly inseparable, people told us,’ he said with a wry smile, thinking of all the fond memories he had with Frerin. How they teased Heptifili and Thorin together, how they always got into mischief on Durin’s day. 

‘May I ask what happened?’ Fíli whispered, and Kíli almost chuckled at how careful he sounded, like Kíli was some delicate flower that would wither if you spoke loudly to it. 

‘First, he lost his job. And he fucking loved his job to bits. He worked as a tour guide for an art museum in Dale. Could go on and on about how to fake an oil painting, the newest software in digital art, everything. It really knocked him off his feet, but he bounced back, like he always did. Few months later, his fiancée died in a car-crash, and then he just… lost it, kind of. He was around our place a lot, which was fine because we all love him. But he was always just a shell of the Frerin we knew. I saw him crying sometimes, and me being the stupid idiot that I am, I didn’t do anything.’  
Kíli realised that he had laughed while saying that last bit, and wondered why. It wasn’t funny at all.

‘You could never have known,’ Fíli said surprisingly firmly. 

‘Yeah, I actually could have,’ Kíli murmured. ‘I was so blind. And then one day, he went to get groceries, because mum had promised to make pasta, and me and Frerin both loved my mum’s pasta. But he didn’t return. Instead, a police officer arrived at our door telling us that he had jumped in front of a train.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ Fíli said, and opened his mouth to say something else, but Kíli cut him off. 

‘Please don’t say that. Everyone says that, and I’m so sick of hearing it. I want it to be true, to believe it’s true, and sometimes I think I can, but then it turns out I can’t,’ he exclaimed, louder than he had anticipated, and felt like an asshole when Fíli flinched. 

‘Sorry,’ he muttered. 

‘No, I know what you mean actually,’ Fíli responded and Kíli eyed him with a questioning frown. 

‘All people ever say is that I’m doing so well with my rehab, that they’re proud of me, and as much as I want to believe them, I can’t do it. They don’t know what it’s like, stupid as it sounds,’ Fíli said. ‘And by they, I mean just Bilbo.’

Kíli felt like he was hearing himself talk. That doesn’t sound stupid at all, he thought, but instead blurted out, ‘how did your parents die?’ and felt like an even bigger asshole than before. ‘Shit, I didn’t…’ he began to apologise, but Fíli waved it off. 

‘They’re not strictly speaking dead, actually,’ he said and Kíli cocked his head in confusion.

‘But you said…’

‘I said they were gone, yeah,’ Fíli confirmed what Kíli had been about to say. ‘They left when I was young. Without warning, without goodbye. Just gone.’

‘Mahal…’ Kíli breathed, eyes wide. ‘What did you do?’

Fíli bit his lip, seemingly contemplating what he was going to say.

‘If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s-‘

‘It’s fine,’ he spoke curtly, then sighed and continued on. ‘I do. My parents were the only family I had, no grandparents or uncles and aunts. So I was left to my own devices, really. The first few days I stayed in our house, hoping that they’d come back. I’d just sit, watching the door all day, but they never came. Then I ran out of food, and I didn’t have any money, so I went to our neighbour’s and asked if she had seen my parents. She said she didn’t, and called the police. They didn’t know either. They took me away from our house, and I slept in a cell in the station for a couple of days, before being transferred to an orphanage.’

Kíli’s heart was aching for Fíli, he realised. This was more than any dwarfling should go through. He had heard bits of the story from Thorin, but hearing it from Fíli himself made it all sound even more horrible. He tried to imagine his parents suddenly gone one day, without a word, and a shiver travelled down his spine. ‘What was it like there?’ he asked hoarsely. 

Fíli huffed a cynical laugh. ‘Oh, time of my life. I still hadn’t really accepted that my parents were gone, so almost every day I tried to sneak out, to go back home, to find them, yet every time I was caught and punished,’ he said. ‘Beatings mostly,’ he added dryly and Kíli’s eyes widened in shock. 

‘At a certain point, I gave up altogether. Didn’t try to escape anymore, refused to eat with the other kids, refused to do chores, stuff like that. Only brought me more punishment. Yeah I was fucking hell for them,’ Fíli continued on with a nervous smile.

‘I- I don’t know what to say,’ Kíli staggered. ‘How did you end up here?’

‘After a few years in the orphanage, I was called to the director’s office, and he said they were looking for somewhere for me to be transferred to. Where there’s more people like you, I remember he said. I honestly didn’t care, and I noticed the staff didn’t care anymore either, about me. So I tried to escape one last time, and I managed.’

‘Is that when…?’ Kíli started, but was thankful when Fíli cut him off. He was never a champ at serious talk, but he had to do this. For Fíli as much as for himself.

‘Not immediately,’ Fíli said with a soft smile. ‘I remember going to our house one last time. I rang the doorbell and ran away to see who would open from afar. Someone I didn’t know. So I basically just roamed Erebor, and slept here and there. I think I blocked most of it out, to be honest, though I vaguely remember the cold in the nights.’

Fíli actually seemed to shiver at the memory, and Kíli briefly wondered if he needed a blanket or anything of the sort. ‘after a couple of months,’ Fíli began, but stopped when Kíli’s jaw dropped.

‘You lived on the street for months?!’ he exclaimed, and felt foolish when he saw a flicker of pain in Fíli’s eyes. ‘Sorry, I just… I’m shocked, to be frank…’ he added quietly.

‘I understand,’ Fíli said. ‘It’s a lot to take in at once I guess. Do you still want to… do you want me to continue?’ 

‘Yes!’ Kíli said, maybe a bit too excitedly. ‘If you want to, at least,’ he added quickly. 

Fíli shot him a smile that Kíli interpreted as a thankful one, and continued talking. ‘So yeah, I got involved with some bad folks, but they were offering me food and a place to sleep, so I could hardly say no. It was mostly just petty crime in the beginning, nicking stuff from shops and what not. But after a while they started giving me these backpacks, and they’d tell me to bring them to these people, who were just as shady by the way. And me, being the oblivious, stupid teenager that I was, decided one time to check the contents, despite being firmly told not to. Hundreds of needles, filled with this light-brown stuff. That’s how it started. Every time I’d have to deliver a backpack, I’d rustle one of the needles for myself. Then one became two, two became three, you get the drill.’

Kíli’s was listening intently, and it felt weird knowing that this was all real. This had all happened to Fíli. It sounded like some far-fetched movie plot, but fuck, it was real. 

‘Then one time, I was caught,’ Fíli continued after a silence. ‘Stupid needle fell out of my damn pocket when I was reporting back. So I was kicked out once again, and as wrong as it sounds, surviving was much easier this time, because of my stealing experience. Some friends I made helped me get a fix from time to time, but I became a liability to them, so eventually they abandoned me as well.’

He stopped then, and to his sadness Kíli could see a tear shimmering the corner of Fíli’s eye. Though, his voice was steady when he spoke again.

‘I’m not proud of what I’ve done,’ Fíli said, avoiding looking at Kíli. ‘I did… things, just to get a fix. Stupid, disgusting, horrible things, and I hate myself for doing them. Please don’t ask me to elaborate.’

‘I won’t,’ Kíli whispered and a wave of tension seemed to roll off Fíli as his shoulders slumped in relief, one that Kíli hadn’t even noticed had been there before. ‘Is that when Bilbo found you?’

‘Yeah, after a while,’ Fíli said and his lips curled up in a small smile. ‘I still don’t really know why the fuck he came up to me that day. Me, under my blanket of newspapers, and him, in his green cardigan and scarf.’

Kíli found himself laughing along, a nice alteration from all the crying earlier. 

‘He really cares for you,’ Kíli said. 

‘I know,’ Fíli said, smile still dancing on his face.

‘I hate to say this, but I should really go. Early shift at work tomorrow,’ Kíli sighed with a pout. 

‘Oh no, yeah, ofcourse!’ Fíli exclaimed as he got up from his seat to show Kíli out. 

Kíli grabbed his coat and waited till they were standing face to face in the doorway. ‘I’ll talk to Bilbo about arranging a meet-up with the Company at the Arkenstone. Just to tackle some basic stuff,’ he said casually, and grinned when Fíli frowned at him in confusion.

‘The Company? What are you talking about?’

‘The festival, you silly! You’re not getting out of that one so easily!’ Kíli laughed with a wink. 

Fíli eyed him with a look of disbelief. ‘You seriously still want me to come?’ 

‘Yes!’ Kíli said cheerfully, and his smile grew even wider when he saw Fíli smiling back at him, because Mahal he had a beautiful smile.  
‘I’ll make sure you have all the details in time,’ he said, stepping back into the dark to hide the blush creeping up on his face. ‘Take care, Fíli.’

‘I will. And thanks, for this.’

‘Don’t mention it.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some info, right?! This was a lot of fun to write, I hope it was fun to read as well. And now that all these feels are somewhat out of the way, we can focus on other things... ;)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaah this actually hit 100 kudos, that's so awesome, thanks everyone!! :D
> 
> This chapter was really fun to write, which is also why it has about 400 more words than the others. I'm terrible at writing actually long chapters, so this was a small victory for me!!

‘How has sleep been for you?’

‘Hmm?’ Fíli mumbled as he slowly turned his head to Radagast. 

The man eyed him strangely for a second. ‘I see,’ he muttered then. ‘How have you been since our first session, Fíli? Anything you want to share with me?’

‘Uhm,’ Fíli began goofily. ‘Not much. An… a friend came over,’ he said, and his mind briefly flashed back to that night, Kíli suddenly on his doorstep.

‘A friend?’ Radagast questioned, one eyebrow arched up. 

‘A friend, yeah!’ Fíli said in half mock-exasperation. What, he couldn’t have friends because he was… emotionally unstable? 

‘Alright, alright!’ Radagast laughed, throwing his hands up in surrender. ‘Can you tell me a bit about him? Or her?’ 

Now it was Fíli who frowned. Weren’t these sessions supposed to be about him? Radagast was looking at him with such a gentle expression though, that he decided to just go with it. ‘Well, his name is Kíli. About my age, bit younger I think. I met him via Bilbo, at a pub a few weeks ago.’

‘Oh, he was a friend of Bilbo’s?’ Radagast interrupted him, not impolitely.

‘Not exactly no,’ Fíli explained. ‘He’s the nephew of Bilbo’s boyfr… uhm, flirt? Oh god no, that’s not the right term at all. They’re just… dating or something, I don’t even know.’

Radagast remained silent for a while, making Fíli feel only more embarrassed at his own foolish blabbering. That embarrassment was quickly replaced with dismay when Radagast asked his next question.

‘How do you feel about Bilbo being gay?’

Fíli felt his jaw drop. ‘What? It’s fine! I mean, yeah, why would it matter?’

Radagast smiled kindly and for a moment Fíli thought he saw a flicker of relief in his eyes. ‘It doesn’t matter, at all. What can you tell me about Bilbo’s, let’s say, love interest? And what’s his relationship with Kíli?’

Fíli snorted. ‘Thorin Oakenshield’s his name, Kíli’s uncle. I don’t know much about him, honestly. Only that whenever Bilbo is around, he turns into a lovestruck, swooning mess. Seems like a cool guy though.’

Radagast laughed merrily. ‘I see. Now, you were saying Kíli came over? What did you do?’

Fíli gulped. That evening with Kíli felt personal, almost secret. ‘We talked,’ he answered flatly. 

‘About?’ Radagast continued when Fíli didn’t say anything else.

‘Life, I guess,’ Fíli replied, realising he was not only doing a terrible job at steering away from the subject, he was probably also being a massive pain to Radagast with his useless answers. 

‘I feel like this is something you find it difficult to talk about,’ Radagast spoke gently. ‘But you know I’m here to help, Fíli. I won’t force you to tell me, but it might be useful information for me.’

Fíli rubbed his eyes and wrung his hands together. ‘Yeah, yeah I know. Sorry,’ he said.

‘That’s alright,’ Radagast said, but he sounded somewhat distant. ‘Just take a few deep breaths.’

And so Fíli did. And it felt surprisingly nice. It was just breathing, but Fíli felt his shoulders slump, his fingers relax, and his thoughts cleared up slightly. 

‘He told me his other uncle, Frerin, killed himself two years ago,’ Fíli said after a short silence, and he noticed how the friendly smile slowly disappeared from Radagast’s face, like snow melting in the sun. ‘I think… that’s why he came.’

‘Because he doesn’t want the same to happen to you?’ Radagast asked, but it felt more like a statement. Fíli nodded slowly.

‘How does that make you feel?’ Radagast continued.

‘It’s stupid,’ Fíli blurted out suddenly, and he opened his mouth to say more, but nothing came out so he closed it again. He stared at his hands, feeling Radagast’s prying eyes on him. 

‘Why do you say that?’ the man asked, and it was just a question. Not a hint of exasperation that would’ve been there if Bilbo had asked the same question. It calmed Fíli down, and he thought this is what therapists do. They don’t cure you, they help you cure yourself. 

‘Because I’m not worth it,’ he mumbled as an answer, and felt ashamed. Every thought was fragile, almost pushing him over the edge of oblivion and he couldn’t look up to face Radagast. 

‘Deep breaths,’ he heard Radagast say again, from a place where Fíli was not. From a place called life, a place he had never seen before and would never see because he didn’t deserve it. A place of sunlight, colour and sloping hills.  
He did, however, breathe. And he found himself back where he always resided. A sort of purgatory, where he couldn’t be alive or dead. And how could things ever change?

He looked up and Radagast was there, eyeing him with a look of curiousness that was on the brink of confusion. But was he real?

‘I don’t feel alive,’ Fíli’s voice scraped. He would clear his throat and speak again, but he knew Radagast heard him well enough. 

‘Maybe you aren’t,’ Radagast said with a sorrowful smile. ‘Which could explain why you’re here.’

Tears clouded Fíli’s eyesight. His mind was about to split in two, any second now, and he would die here, and stain Radagast’s chair with his blood. There was nothing sensible to be said, yet he spoke for the sake of drowning the noise in his head. ‘I feel so incomplete. In… in every way. Everything I do is meaningless, fake.’

‘Then why didn’t you die on that roof?’ someone asked. Was it Radagast? Or Kíli, or Bilbo, or his mother or father? The voice was distorted, warped by Fíli’s brain and he didn’t know. 

Fíli shrugged. 

‘Because deep down, you still want to feel alive, to feel… complete. So what we need to do is try to find out what is needed to complete you, Fíli,’ Radagast said calmly. 

‘How?’ Fíli implored, but he felt himself calm down. It was a goal. It was something he could breathe for, something his heart could continue to beat for. 

Radagast smiled again. ‘The first step is getting you to sleep at least 8 hours every night. I’m going to prescribe some sleeping medicine for you, if you feel comfortable with that. It will be in Bilbo’s possession, and he will help you take it at the right time every evening.’

Fíli nodded. It was a goal.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered.

Radagast inclined his head. ‘For what?’

‘For… fuck, I don’t know. Losing it, I guess.’

Radagast chuckled. ‘There is something else I want you to start doing, Fíli. Whenever you start feeling particularly scared, worried, tense, I want you to take 5 deep breaths, and focus on those breaths.’

Fíli nodded again, meekly.

~

‘Delicious as always, Bilbo,’ Fíli said as he stretched his limbs and swallowed the last piece of homemade pizza. Bilbo was a legend when it came to food.

‘Thank you, Fíli! It happens- oh is that the time already!’ Bilbo exclaimed suddenly, and Fíli frowned. 

‘You have to be somewhere?’ he asked curiously, and got up to follow Bilbo to the kitchen.

‘Yeah, you’ll be alright won’t you?’ Bilbo asked, and his back was turned towards Fíli but he knew the hobbit was smiling. And blushing. 

‘Where’s he taking you?’ Fíli asked knowingly, and Bilbo surrendered immediately. 

‘Theatre. He’s taking me to the damn theatre, he’s actually that perfect,’ Bilbo sang, and the genuine delight on his face was enough to make Fíli’s lips curl up into a smile. 

Then, the delight faded as Bilbo gasped. ‘Fíli! Look at the state of your kitchen!’ He exclaimed. The dishes from the day before were still on the counter. 

Fíli threw his hands up in surrender and laughed. 

Bilbo laughed too, before frowning. ‘Why are there 2 used glasses?’ he asked as he diverted his gaze from the kitchen to look at Fíli, still hovering in the doorway.

‘Kíli was here last night,’ Fíli said after a silence, and Bilbo’s eyebrows creased even more violently.

‘Thorin’s nephew? What-how?’

Fíli shrugged, but suddenly he felt frustrated. ‘How? Well he probably got the address from Thorin, as you told him all about me,’ he growled. He briefly thought of Radagast’s advice, of breathing, but he decided against it. 

Bilbo lowered his head and stared at the ground. ‘I shouldn’t have told him anything without your permission. I’m sorry Fíli. I was just… scared.’

The frustration dissolved immediately and Fíli felt the sting of guilt in his abdomen. ‘Fuck, sorry,’ he sighed. ‘It’s cool. We had… a nice time.’

Bilbo looked up and a small smile was dancing on his lips. ‘Good.’

‘I’ll leave the pill here, take it at 9 with a glass of water’ the Hobbit said and he placed the little pill, inside its wrapper, on the kitchen counter, and Fíli felt eternally grateful that Bilbo didn’t push the subject. 

‘Say hi to Thorin from me,’ he said with a smirk and Bilbo smiled, and left.

~

The clock struck 9, and Fíli got up from the couch. TV was boring to the utmost extent, and he was almost glad to have a legitimate reason to walk.

It was weird, though. Fíli sauntered up to the counter and stopped before the lonely pill in its aluminium wrapper. He was familiar enough with needles, but pills were new to him. 

He eyed the medicine for another moment and then got a glass and filled it up with water. He took the pill carefully out of the wrapper, and held it in his palm. It was white. Just a little round, white disc with a furrow going through the middle. 

He dropped it into the water and put his ear to the glass, listening to the sizzling of the pill in the water. When it stopped, he chugged the contents of the glass. He put it down on the counter with a loud smack, and startled himself. He noticed how his heartbeat was speeding up, and how the murmur from the TV was slowly turning into an unbearable cacophony of white noise, voices, his parents’ voices. Fíli took a hold of the counter to keep from falling, and just when he thought his lungs could no longer take the resonance and would explode, he remembered. 

Whenever you start feeling particularly scared, worried, tense, I want you to take 5 deep breaths.

And that’s what Fíli did. But it was hurried, sloppy, and nothing changed. Nothing ever changed. He needed to sit down, but his legs weren’t allowing any movement.

focus on those breaths.

Fíli tried again. And he focussed, on the way the muscles in his chest and diaphragm relaxed and contracted, on the blood rushing through his capillaries, filling itself with oxygen. And it helped. 

The soft murmur of the TV was back, his legs could move again, and he stared at the glass on the counter. It had fallen over, but Fíli had no memory of how it happened.

Though there was no time to investigate, as there was a sudden knock on the door. And it was all too familiar, and Fíli thought he must have fallen asleep already. Surely it couldn’t be…

‘Hey, are you alone?’ Kíli asked, and it turned out it could be.

Fíli blinked at him. ‘Yeah, Bilbo is out with your uncle. What are you- ‘

‘I know,’ Kíli grinned. ‘Get your coat, I want to show you something.’

Fíli gaped at the dwarf in front of him. ‘I just took my sleeping meds,’ he stammered.

‘We won’t be long,’ Kíli smirked. 

‘I’m not allowed to go out without Bilbo,’ Fíli said, still staring at Kíli like he was a mirage, a projection of his mind, destined to fade away every second now. 

‘No one will notice,’ Kíli just said, same smirk still plastered on his face. 

And how could Fíli ever resist those perfect saddle brown eyes. Without even saying another word, Fíli grabbed his coat and followed Kíli into the mountain.

‘Where are we going?’ Fíli asked. 

‘You’ll see,’ Kíli answered, predictably, and Fíli rolled his eyes.

‘I’m not a fan of surprises, to be completely honest,’ he said. 

‘Then don’t be.’

‘Don’t be what?’

‘Completely honest.’

Fíli snorted. ‘Fine. I love surprises.’

Kíli laughed. ‘That’s more like it.’

After about 15 minutes of walking, Fíli had completely lost track of where they were. His adventures in the mountain with Bilbo were usually limited to trips to the supermarket, sadly. Kíli took a sharp turn suddenly, and walked into an empty alleyway. He proceeded to stand still when they arrived at a dead end, and he gazed at the wall pensively. 

‘What are you doing?’ Fíli asked him amusedly, because frankly, it looked ridiculous, Kíli staring intently at the wall like he could break it with his mind. 

Then he grinned, and turned towards Fíli. ‘You know how Erebor is thousands of years old, right?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well, the past generations of dwarves have left some secrets for us to explore,’ Kíli said before stepping forward, placing his hands onto the cold wall of the mountain and pushing. 

And nothing happened. 

Fíli tried not to, but he burst out laughing. Kíli shot him a glare and stopped pushing. ‘Shut up, I swear it’s here!’ he exclaimed, rubbing his hands together. ‘Help me out, will you.’

Fíli shrugged and went to stand next to Kíli, who placed his hands on the wall once more. Fíli did the same, and Kíli started the countdown.

‘3… 2… 1… now!’

They both pushed, and for a moment it seemed the wall would just continue being its sturdy, unmovable self, only then it budged, and Fíli and Kíli pushed back a thick door, hidden in the mountain for ages, probably. 

Fíli’s heart leapt and he gasped, because the cylindrical chamber in which they ended up standing was nothing short of magical. Its high ceiling had one hole in it, allowing moonlight to shine on a lone gravestone in the centre of the room. 

‘How does this… exist?’ Fíli mumbled, and he looked at Kíli to find the dwarf gazing around himself in pure awe. The dim lighting made his skin reflect a faint blue, and his eyes glistened. 

They walked towards the grave and stopped in front of it. Fíli wondered why the chamber didn’t feel lugubrious because of the presence of this one gravestone, but maybe it was because of Kíli. 

Kíli, the one unpredictable force in his life. 

‘Who do you think is buried here?’ Fíli whispered, and Kíli was close to him. Too close, and their fingers brushed.

‘No idea,’ Kíli whispered back. 

The room was completely silent, but it was loud inside Fíli’s head. Not unbearably loud like before, but loud with Kíli. He was everything in this chamber, despite there being so much more, and Fíli’s heartbeat sped up. 

And he hadn’t got enough time to decide when Kíli turned towards him and pressed his lips against Fíli’s, gently, and the loudness ceased, and it was just their lips now. He pulled away and stared at Kíli, who looked puzzled, and worried, and beautiful. 

‘I’m sorry- I shouldn’t have…’ he began, but now Fíli’d had enough time, and he closed the distance between them once more, and knew that this was the bravest he had ever been, and the most foolish. And he didn’t deserve any of this, but he took it anyway, and for once his mind stilled, yet his body was overtaken by adrenaline. 

Kíli tasted of hard work, the cold stone deep inside the mountain, and the hot fire of a forge. And of something else, an unexpected sorrow that lingered somewhere in the core of his being, and Fíli wanted to kiss it away. 

The kiss deepened, and Kíli entangled his fingers in Fíli’s long hair, and Fíli shivered because it had been ages since he had kissed someone, let alone a man. 

They parted, and Fíli felt Kíli’s hands resting on his hips. He laughed a shaky laugh.

Kíli laughed too, and his eyes reflected the same surprise, happiness and fear that Fíli felt right now, and he was relieved because of it. 

They kissed again. And again.

And then they left the chamber, and Kíli walked Fíli home in silence, but they were both smiling and there was nothing that needed to be said at this moment. 

‘Thank you.’ 

It was all Fíli could say before he stepped back inside, but it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, that just happened :D


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, this chapter was kind of a pain to finish. Life has been hectic lol. First I was feeling great, then I was depressed because I finished reading Collateral Damage (amazing fic, I reccomend!), then I was happy again because I had a breakthrough with my music, then I was sad again because all the tragedies in Paris, Japan, Lebanon etc, and now I'm somewhat happy again because my favourite artist followed me on soundcloud.
> 
> You probably weren't interested in that at all :') Have fun reading, next chapter will be better hopefully!

‘I thought you were coming to the Arkenstone? Had to listen to half an hour to Gloin going on about his wife because I was waiting for you at the bar. Felt more like an eternity.’

Kíli snickered. ‘Yeah. Sorry, kinda changed my mind last minute.’

Dwalin eyed him suspiciously and raised an eyebrow when Kíli smirked. ‘You weren’t at home,’ he stated matter-of-factly. ‘Is there something I need to know?’ he asked, half curious and half amused (and maybe just a bit worried, Dwalin couldn’t help it).

Kíli played with his food, still grinning from ear to ear, and Dwalin _recognised_ that look. It was a look he hadn’t seen on Kíli’s face for a long time. Only once since Frerin had died.

_‘What’s up with you? You’re looking at your food as if you’re in love with it.’_

_‘Hmm?’ came the sheepish answer from a very oafish Kíli._

_Dwalin frowned. ‘For real, Kíli. Are you okay?’_

_Kíli grinned and looked up at his friend. ‘I’m fucking fantastic, Dwalin.’_

_Dwalin managed to frown even deeper. ‘Okay, and why is that?’_

_‘Because,’ Kíli began, and readjusted himself in his seat. ‘Yesterday, I laid eyes on the most beautiful creation in the whole of Arda.’_

‘Okay, who is she this time?’ Dwalin asked, sighing deeply in mock annoyance.

Kíli blinked at him, innocently, and Dwalin knew he knew exactly what he was talking about. Yet Kíli answered, almost convincingly, ‘What are you talking about?’

Dwalin huffed a laugh and gestured slothfully with his hands. ‘I’m talking about the most beautiful creation in the whole of Arda, obviously.’

Kíli got up suddenly to put away his now empty plate in the cafeteria’s dishwasher. Dwalin smirked victoriously, and knew that when Kíli would turn around, he’d be blushing gleefully, he’d have this twinkle in his eyes and Dwalin would again have some great material to relentlessly tease his best friend with.

But there was no blushing when Kíli turned around. Instead, there was the same victorious smirk, that was on Dwalin’s face seconds ago but was now drooping off like honey from a teaspoon.

Kíli brought his face closer to Dwalin’s, whispered something and Dwalin’s jaw dropped. Kíli patted him on the back and strutted out of the cafeteria, laughing, enjoying the moment _way too much_.

Dwalin just sat there and repeated the words inside his head a few times.

‘Who said anything about _she_?’

~

When Kíli got home from work (home, as in his new apartment) he threw himself on the couch and breathed in deeply. He was at that point again. That horribly exciting point after a first kiss, when all you can do is think about the other person, and he briefly wondered if Fíli felt the same way.

Though there wasn’t much time to relax, and Kíli startled when his phone suddenly buzzed in his pocket. _Dwalin_ , it said. He had a suspicion what this was going to be about and smirked.

‘Okay, so it’s a he then?’ said Dwalin, proving Kíli right.

‘Oh hello to you too Dwalin, you must be calling to make sure I got home safely from work,’ Kíli mused, and laughed when he heard a muffled grumble from Dwalin.

‘Wait, it’s not that Fíli bloke is it?’ his friend said then, and there was something about his tone that caused a tremor to run through Kili. But, as so often with Dwalin, he found himself unable to pierce the veil and determine what the tone meant.

Kíli stayed still just a bit too long.

‘Oh my god, Kíli,’ Dwalin laughed, and Kili’s cheeks were set ablaze quickly enough. ‘Are you sure you know what you’re getting yourself into?’

Kíli frowned then. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

Dwalin sighed. ‘You know, his history and stuff. What if he’s just using you?’

Kíli scoffed in exasperation. ‘What? No, seriously, what? You don’t even know him, Dwalin, why the fuck would you say that?’

 _Because I don’t want to see you hurt again_ , is what Dwalin wanted to say. _I can’t bear seeing you hurt, because it will gnaw at me and make me feel like a terrible friend._

‘Because those kind of people exist, Kíli,’ he said instead. ‘One second they love you and the next it turns out to be pretence.’

Kíli stared ahead for a while, his brain feeling blank and empty. He almost couldn’t believe what he was hearing, such unfair words from his best friend. ‘I thought you’d be happy for me,’ he managed, and he was surprised by how weak his voice sounded. Fragile, like after the police showed up that night.

Dwalin heard it too, and he felt like he just received a punch in the stomach. _I am_ , he wanted to say. _I am_ , _because you need this, but I don’t want you to slip back into that state when it happens, and what if it does?_

‘What if he tries again, huh? What then? You don’t move on, you’ve never moved on from anything. Not from Tauriel, not from Frerin, I can see it in your eyes,’ he growled instead. His blood was starting to boil with anger, but more with fear.

‘This is about Frerin, isn’t it?’ Kíli said after a silence. His voice was calm but his lungs were working harder than they should. ‘You’re scared that if Fíli tries to kill himself again, I’ll fucking evaporate or something.’

‘Because you _will_ evaporate,’ is what Dwalin wanted to say, and then he realised that he had actually said it. Or shouted it, more like. ‘You have no idea what you were like, do you? You were a fucking shell, Kíli. A shell, made of glass so thin that it anyone would touch you, you’d break. No one could properly talk to you, and I was scared to bits, you know. I still am.’ _B_ _ecause you resemble Frerin too much._

‘What’s your point!?’ Kíli shouted then, but he didn’t wait for an answer. ‘Fíli needs me, Dwalin. I can be there for him, I can help him, I can do everything I _failed_ to do for Frerin!’

‘STOP! FEELING! GUILTY!’ Dwalin roared then, and Kíli would have flinched if he weren’t so angry.

‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’ he screamed back, and pressed the end call button. He screamed again in fury, his vision was getting blurry and he threw his phone on the floor, where it cracked open and the battery fell out. He collapsed on his knees, and brought his hands to his face and sobbed, wondering how Dwalin managed to completely destroy him with his words. He was still weak, as weak as he became the second Frerin left the living room, with a smile on his face. A hollow, meaningless smile.

 

Kíli didn’t know how much time passed. Dwalin’s words echoed in his skull, talking of how Fíli might just be using him, and how Kíli was just using him as well.

Then, the bell rang, and Kíli groaned. He didn’t really want to deal with anyone right now. He ran his hand through his hear and wiped the remaining tears from his face, knowing that when he’d open the door he’d look like a mess. He’d look like Frerin.

In the door was a tall bearded man wearing a black, expensive looking suit, a pair of sunglasses resting on his nose. It took Kíli a moment to realise it was Gandalf, his landlord, because he looked vastly different from any other time Kíli had seen him about the building.

‘Gandalf! Hi! Come in,’ he said after an awkward moment of staring, and Gandalf smiled kindly and followed him inside.

Kíli realised the parts of his phone were still scattered on the floor, and he quickly grabbed everything and put it back together. Instantly it showed a missed call and some texts from Dwalin, but Kíli felt too tired to care, though a flash of anger still rushed through him.

‘Are you alright?’ Gandalf asked and _Mahal, was this man a psychic_?

Kíli turned around and smiled what he thought must have been the wateriest smile in the existence of the universe. ‘Yeah, uhm… rough day,’ he said.

Gandalf scrutinised him for a moment, and Kíli wondered if he should say something.

‘Tell me about it,’ Gandalf spoke then and scoffed. ‘5 meetings today concerning my latest novel, absolutely exhausting. And on top of that my agent made me wear this all day!’ he exclaimed and gestured at the suit and tie.

Kíli laughed. ‘Do you want something to drink?’ he asked and walked to the kitchen, while trying desperately to shut off all thoughts about Dwalin or Fíli or Frerin. It proved more difficult than he thought.

‘No, thank you,’ Gandalf replied. ‘May I sit?’

‘Ofcourse, make yourself at home,’ Kíli replied and smiled lightly. ‘It kind of _is_ your home after all.’

He heard Gandalf chuckle from the living room. ‘How are you enjoying the place so far?’

‘Oh, it’s fantastic, really,’ Kíli said as he walked back into the living room with a beer in his hand. ‘It’s exactly what I was looking for.’ _I can make new memories here_ , crossed his mind.

‘Marvellous!’ Gandalf said and he smiled beatifically.

Kíli sat down opposite Gandalf. ‘So, what kinda stuff do you write about?’ he asked as genuinely interested as he could. He was interested, but it was more a question to drown out Dwalin’s voice in the back of his skull.

‘Well, I used to write for the papers, I had a column in Erebor Daily about science and technology, but after what happened last year, you know…’ Gandalf said, shooting Kíli a somewhat shameful look.

Kíli laughed, remembering the scandal around Erebor Daily the year before. After an undercover investigation, it had turned out that the head of the paper was involved in criminal activities and illegal arms trade. The company went bankrupt in record time. ‘Ah yes, what was his name? Saruman something?’

‘Saruman de Wit, yes,’ Gandalf said bitterly. ‘Bastard lost us all our jobs. Luckily I had some reputation, and I had been working on a novel in my free time, which I ended up publishing in cooperation with _Imladris_ , the biggest Elven publishing office,’ he said.

‘Don’t tell my dad, he’ll get me out of here as soon as he hears my landlord works with Elves,’ Kíli said and chuckled at the horrified expression on Gandalf’s face. ‘Kidding! What’s the book about?’

Gandalf cleared his throat, and sat up straight. ‘Okay, it’s about a boy called _Harry_ who finds out at the age of 11 that he is a wizard, and gets to attend a school to learn how to use and control his magic abilities. He then finds out that in the world of magic, he is seen as a hero and treated as a celebrity, because he managed to survive when the dark lord _Voldemort_ tried to kill him as a baby. And basically, in his first year at school, he finds out that there is a powerful object hidden, and that Voldemort is trying to get hold of it so he can regain his power. And Harry and his friends try to stop him!’

Throughout the summary, Gandalf’s voice had become louder, clearer and much more passionate, and Kíli looked at him with a mix of amusement and reverence. ‘And did they? Stop him, I mean.’

Gandalf stared at him for a moment and then seemed to break from his trance. ‘You’d have to read that for yourself, dear fellow,’ he said with a grin.

‘You know, I just might,’ Kíli said, after which his stomach grumbled violently, and he realised he hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

‘I don’t mean to be rude, Gandalf, but I should get started on dinner,’ he said.

‘I heard,’ Gandalf snickered. ‘I still have work to do as well, as much as I love to procrastinate.’

Kíli laughed and showed Gandalf to the door. ‘Well, good luck with it anyway.’

‘Thank you, Kíli,’ Gandalf said. ‘And take care.’

Kíli swallowed, forcing himself to stare into Gandalf’s piercing blue eyes. There was something about the man that made it feel like he could see right through your skin and bones, and read your mind. ‘I will,’ he managed somewhat hoarsely.

~

_Conversation with Dwalin_

_D : I shouldn’t have yelled_   
_D : Come on man pick up the phone, I’m sorry_   
_D : If you need time that’s fine, just let me know Kee_   
_D : I’m worried about you_

_K : why? I’m fine_

_D : I don’t think you are. You’re my best friend and I hate seeing you hurt_

_K : Fíli won’t hurt me. I know you don’t want me to but I have to help him_

_D : I’m not talking about Fíli I’m talking about you. And I do want you to help him but I’m just scared alright?_

_K : Then what do you want me to do?_

_D : Idfk. To be careful I guess._

_K : Okay I will. If you’ll be happy for me in return_

_D : I am, I was the second you told me. Was that not clear from my shouting? lol_

_K : haha. We need to get together for_ Baruk Khazâd _btw._

_D : I’ll make a group chat._

_K : Thanks bby_

_D : lol_   
_D : was he a good kisser btw_

_K : better than Tauriel_

_D : HAHAHA_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm trying to portray here that Fíli certainly isn't the only one with deep seeded personal issues. I hope I kinda succeeded :P
> 
> And yes, Gandalf is writing Harry Potter in this AU.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~IMPORTANT MESSAGE!!!!~~~
> 
> first of all, apologies for my sloppy writing the past few chapters. I read through the entire story myself and really noticed that the quality was kinda going down :/ I'm feeling heaps better about this chapter though!
> 
> Now, onto the good stuff. Okay, up until this chapter, I was kinda writing this story as I went. It so happens, that one night I decided to write down a sort of timeline of events, just because I thought it could be handy, and it ended up giving me sooooo much inspiration for this story!!! Or should I say, this series? ;)   
> I really really hope the people reading this will continue reading, because I have some HUGE plot twists in mind, for which I'm personally very excited! :D
> 
> ALSO, I have Tumblr now! yay :D If you want to follow me, that would be cool, if you don't, that's fine too. I'm really still fiiguring out what to use it for haha. http://myforlornplace.tumblr.com/

‘I’m very sorry I had to cancel last week’s session, Fíli,’ Radagast sighed as he sat down on the chair behind his desk. Fili took his seat on the other side of the desk, which sadly wasn’t very comfortable, but that was probably due to the fact that Radagast had made all chairs himself. Fili regretted that the weather had proven too cold for the session to be held outside.

‘Things got in the way,’ the old therapist said with a light smile. ‘Now, have you been taking your sleeping medicine?’

‘I have,’ Fíli replied with a nod. He had grown accustomed to taking the pills easier than he had thought, of which he was proud, though it unsettled him also. Sometimes there was still the buzzing in his head, but he could almost think it away instantly.

‘And have they been helpful with your sleeping issues?’ Radagast asked.

‘They have,’ Fíli said. ‘Sometimes I sleep for 9 hours on end.’

Radagast chuckled. ‘Good. And do you think this has had an effect on you?’

Fíli frowned and thought. ‘Uhm, not sure,’ he said pensively.

‘Physically or emotionally,’ Radagast provided as clarification and Fíli nodded.

‘I think I’ve been feeling more… like I have more energy, you know? And I’ve been thinking less. About stuff in general, I mean. Just that constant noise in my brain feels like it has somewhat faded, I guess,’ he said then. ‘Is that because of the pills?’

Radagast eyed him for a moment. ‘In a way. But I would say it’s because of the sleep, try to see the medicine as a helping hand in this situation.’

Fíli nodded and it was quiet for a while.

‘Anything happened that you maybe feel like mentioning?’ Radagast asked, eyes fixated on the paper on his desk in front of him.

Fíli was prepared. ‘Not really,’ he said, though his mind had already raced back to that night with Kíli in the chamber with the tombstone. A part of him wanted nothing more than to relive the moment over and over, to explore Kíli further and relish in all his hidden flavours. But the other part told him that it had been a mistake, that Kíli was the very last person who deserved to be dragged down by Fíli and all that he would cause. Yet somehow, the latter, more rational part seemed to be the losing side, because the other part was fuelled by desire. And Fíli knew that his desires were usually tenacious.

‘Alright then,’ Radagast said and he turned to Fíli once more. ‘I wanted to talk to you about your childhood, if that’s alright.’

‘Had to come up eventually, not?’ Fíli said with a chuckle, yet the prospect of having to talk about his parents made him bite the inside of his mouth just hard enough to keep from tears welling up in his eyes.

‘Why do you think that is?’

Fíli raised an eyebrow at the unexpected question, but Radagast just continued looking at him.

‘I guess because I haven’t had the most ordinary childhood? And you know, underlying issues and all that,’ Fíli said. ‘I’ve been watching too many crappy TV-shows,’ he added dryly.

‘No, you’re fairly close,’ Radagast said with a hearty chuckle. ‘The human mind – or in this case the Dwarvish mind, but there’s really not much difference – is very complicated, you see. Almost all of the choices we make are based on past experiences, so if we learn more about these past experiences, we may be able to explain some behaviour we otherwise might not understand.’

‘Hmm, yeah that makes sense,’ Fíli said.

‘Good. So, let’s start with a simple question. What is the earliest thing you can remember?’

‘That’s a _simple_ question?’ Fíli exclaimed with a laugh. ‘Mahal, let me think for a while…’

‘I’ll go grab us something to drink then, take your time,’ said Radagast with a snicker, before standing up and leaving the room.

Fíli thought fervently. His memory often let him down, yet there were some moments from the past that he could still recall vividly. All related to his mother and father in some way. There was the creaking of the bed in his old house, the faint smell of permanent marker when his father was working, the design in the iron handles of the cutlery.

Radagast returned with a wooden tray (also homemade, judged by the splay surface on which two mugs were balancing), and set it down on his desk. ‘Green tea, though be careful as it’s very hot,’ he said. ‘Have you found a memory yet?’

‘Thank you,’ Fíli said. ‘And yeah, I think I do. There is this one memory, and it’s me and my parents and we’re sitting in my room. I’m like, 17 years old, I imagine? And we’re just sitting on the floor, and my mum and dad are watching me draw something on a piece of paper, and they’re smiling at me. And I feel happy and I smile back.’

A smile appeared on Radagast’s face. ‘That sounds lovely,’ he spoke softly, and after a silence he asked, ‘how do you feel about your parents now?’

The truth was that he hated them. Because they left him, yet he hated them for more reasons than that. ‘Let’s just say I wouldn’t be smiling at them, should they walk into the room now,’ he said sharply.

The smile on Radagast’s face had disappeared and he looked serious. ‘Why not?’

‘Because they abandoned me,’ Fíli retorted, and he knew that he’d apologise for his harsh tone later. ‘Without a word, just fucking gone, like that,’ he said and snapped his fingers. ‘I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to. I don’t think I ever really believed they’d come back, all those days when I sat in front of the door. I thought they were at work and that they had just forgotten about me.’

‘You’re fine, Fíli,’ a distant voice suddenly sounded over the loud whirring static that had come from nowhere. ‘Remember what I said, about breathing when you’re feeling overwhelmed.’

Fíli turned his head to look at Radagast, and his vision caught up with him about half a second later. For a moment he just stared ahead, confused, and then he breathed in and out deeply. Once. Twice…

‘Are you okay?’ the same voice sounded again, but now is was more clear and Fíli was certain it had been Radagast talking, before.

‘Yeah,’ Fíli breathed and he sighed. ‘What are those things? I just zone out or something.’

‘I believe they’re a form of panic attacks, though they’re relatively mild I’d say. It sounds bad, I know, but I strongly recommend that you don’t linger on it, they’re quite common actually,’ Radagast said. ‘I’m very sorry if I triggered it, if you would like to stop for today, that’d be more than fine.’

Fíli thought for a moment. In a way he wasn’t really surprised he had panic attacks, with all the shit that he had made himself go through. ‘Nah, I can handle another question or two,’ he said and attempted to clear his head.

Radagast scrutinised him for a couple of seconds, before writing something down on the notes in front of him. The scratching of the pen over the paper was the only sound in the room, and it calmed Fíli down, strangely enough.

‘Alright. I wanted to ask you why you didn’t think you believed your parents would ever come back. When you were waiting for them.’

Fíli gulped and averted his gaze. He knew that what he was about to say was ridiculous. But despite knowing that, deep inside he still believed it to be the truth. ‘I… don’t think they loved me very much,’ he managed, the words falling from his tongue and he couldn’t take them back, it was too late. With everything he said he felt his knees sink deeper into his own blood, soaking his clothes, drawing him in. He distracted himself by taking a sip from his tea, and focused on the hot liquid wetting his throat.

‘Why do you think that?’ Radagast asked.

Fíli’s shoulders slumped as there was no suggestive tone, just interest. He was surprised once again by how freeing it could feel to talk to someone, without having to worry about their reaction. ‘They were at work, a lot,’ he began a little more confidently. ‘And I just remember feeling that I wasn’t always… top priority, I guess. I don’t know, maybe I’m being stupid.’

‘I don’t think so,’ Radagast said gently. ‘You can’t help feeling what you feel, so it can’t really be stupid, can it? Now, what did your parents do for a living?’

Fíli couldn’t help his lips curling up into a proud smile. ‘They were scientists,’ he said, smiling.

~

‘This evening? Well that’s on rather short term, isn’t it? I don’t know if we’ll- Thorin’ll be there, you said? Let me discuss with Fíli and I’ll get back to you in a bit, mister Dwalin,’ Bilbo concluded and quickly put down the phone with a sigh, before Dwalin could say anything else.

‘What was that about?’ Fíli aksed, although he had a suspicion. Excitement was stirring inside him against his will, a feeling so dangerously exhilarating he thought he would vomit.

Bilbo turned around. ‘We’ve been invited to the Arkenstone this evening, to talk over the festival,’ he said, and walked over to lean on the kitchen counter. ‘That is if you still want to come, of course.’

‘I do,’ Fíli said. ‘Truly,’ he added resolutely when Bilbo’s gaze persisted. Was this the worst decision he could possibly make? He felt like the crumbling could commence any hour, any minute, any second, and his wits were telling him he had just condemned himself to certain death. But all he could see in front of him was Kíli, smiling, his brown eyes filled with sunlight, and it was enough.

Bilbo eyed him for another moment, and then a smile spread across his soft features. ‘Wonderful! I’ll call Dwalin right back,’ he spoke joyfully and he got out his phone to dial.

‘Alright, we’ll be there. What time?’ said Bilbo, and Fíli wondered if he should tell him about Kíli. But perhaps the less people who knew, the better, and he decided against it, biting his lip.

The phone call was short, and Fíli read from Bilbo’s expression that Dwalin wasn’t much of a talker, as were a lot of Dwarves.

‘By now you still don’t know that our kind doesn’t do small talk?’ Fíli asked with a chuckle.

Bilbo huffed. ‘I was only being polite,’ he said indignantly. ‘I just don’t understand the purpose of a phone call if you’re not willing to talk to the other person!’

Fíli laughed. ‘Whatever you say. Now, what’s for dinner?’

‘Oh I’m not making dinner,’ Bilbo said plainly. ‘We have to be there in 2 hours, we’re ordering take-away,’ the Hobbit added when he noticed Fíli’s frown, which quickly turned into an amused grin.

~

He wasn’t prepared for this at all, he noticed with a mild shock. He hadn’t seen Kíli after it happened, and ever since all he did was yearn for more, and he was starting to hate himself for it. Not because he liked Kíli, but because the other dwarf seemed to like _him._ And mutual liking rarely resulted in something positive, Fíli knew all too well.

‘Fíli?’

With a jolt he was thrown back into the suffocating void that was reality. ‘Hmm?’ he managed instinctively.

‘We’re here, we need to get out,’ Bilbo said and Fíli realised the bus had stopped, and Bilbo was already on the way to the exit of the vehicle, while he himself was still sitting on the indigo seat by the window side.

‘Yeah, coming,’ Fíli said and followed Bilbo, ignoring the suspicious look in his face.

Inside was shockingly empty, and for a moment Fíli even thought they were the only visitors. Yet he heard voices coming from the back. A low grunting one, a deep and soft one, and one that made Fíli’s heart skip a beat. And for a millisecond he wished it would skip several, enough for his organs to shut down due to lack of oxygen and carbon dioxide piling up in their tissues.

The next moment he was following the voices, walking behind Bilbo yet it didn’t feel like he was commanding his feet to move.

The greetings that followed were probably the most awkward he would ever witness.

Dwalin was first, and he eyed Fíli with such a penetrating look that Fíli thought he was trying to burn his skin with his eyes. The ‘hey’ that he grunted out couldn’t have sounded more unkind. ‘Hey,’ Fíli said in return, and tried not to shrink into himself.

Thorin was up next, and it was a breath of fresh air compared to his predecessor. He bowed his head slightly and smiled warmly at Fíli, who smiled back and gave a nod.

And then, lastly, was Kíli. Fíli turned towards him and just missed the fierce scowl Kíli was shooting at Dwalin. And he wondered why he felt like he was only just seeing him for the first time. _Really_ seeing him. Fíli didn’t know what had changed, if anything had changed to begin with, but Kíli looked more beautiful than ever, and it terrified him beyond measure.

‘Hey,’ Kíli said and a nervous smile flashed over his face.

‘Hey,’ Fíli said back, and they stared at each other, and Fíli was sure he would drown in those pools of brown if nobody took hold of his feet and pulled him out. He didn’t know how long they stood there, only that his head was completely quiet, and he hadn’t even known there was noise before.

And then someone pulled him out, and it was Dwalin clearing his throat.

Everyone was staring at them. Dwalin looked incredibly unimpressed, Bilbo’s eyes were wider than he had ever seen them and Thorin was just frowning lightly.

‘Right,’ Kíli muttered before taking his seat again, and proceeded to stare at the table whilst fidgeting the handle of his glass.

Fíli hurried to take the seat next to him, avoiding Bilbo’s gaze at all cost, which was proving very difficult. He felt like he was cursed, and prayed that his beard was covering up at least some of the redness on his cheeks.

This was, once again, going to be a long night.

~

Anonymous User #1: _‘What if the rumours were true?’_

Anonymous User #2: ‘ _They were not._ ’

Anonymous User #1: _‘You can not be sure.’_

Anonymous User #2: _‘I’ll make it so that I can be.’_

Anonymous User #1: _‘Well be quick. Because if they were, we have to act.’_

Anonymous User #2: _‘I’m meeting him soon, hopefully. Then I’ll know.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you somehow missed the notes in the beginning, go read em, they're important c:


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for being so late with this... School has been ridiculously busy, and I've got a bunch of deadlines with music I'm working on, so I didn't have as much time for this as I wanted! 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr if you want :) http://myforlornplace.tumblr.com/

‘Care to tell me what the fuck that was for?’ Kíli hissed as soon as he had closed the bathroom door behind Dwalin and himself.

‘What are you talking about?’ Dwalin asked while he walked over to one of the urinals and casually unbuttoned his jeans.

Kíli rolled his eyes at his friend’s back, not believing for a second that Dwalin didn’t know what he was referring to. ‘Uhm, the stare of death you gave Fíli when he walked in? Mahal Dwalin, I thought we were good on this.’

It was quiet for a moment, except for the awkward sound of Dwalin’s urine clattering against stone.

‘It was a test,’ he said then, and Kíli’s jaw dropped.

‘A test?’ he exclaimed incredulously. ‘The fuck for?’

‘To see how he’d respond to me being intimidating of course,’ said Dwalin, turning around and tightening his belt. ‘Don’t worry, the lad passed,’ he added and shot Kíli a short smile as if what he had just said was the most normal thing in the world. He passed Kíli and left the bathroom.

Said dwarf snorted indignantly, and followed.

During their absence Ori, Dori, Gloin and Bofur had arrived, and their company was complete. Kíli sat down next to Fíli, and he felt flowers blooming in his chest when the other smiled at him. _It isn’t supposed to be this easy_ , the thought. _I am not ready for this_ , he thought, but it mattered not, because he was basking in the light of Fíli’s curled up lips and it felt like finding the last piece of a puzzle you’d been trying to finish for decades.

‘I wasn’t sure you’d come,’ Kíli said.

‘Me neither,’ Fíli said and chuckled. ‘I guess it’s time for me to meet your friends then?’ he asked and there was a pleading tone in his voice, although subtle and almost unnoticeable. But Kíli noticed, and he tried to smile encouragingly.

‘Don’t worry, they’re all good folk, even Dwalin when you get to know him. Though you should watch out for Ori, he can be a mischievous little brat sometimes,’ Kíli said and glanced at the youngest Ri brother, who was laughing at something Bofur had said.

‘I have some experience with those luckily,’ Fíli said with a sly grin and Kíli gasped in mock-offense.

‘Oh we’re doing sass now, are we?’ he said, leaning forward slightly because he wanted to kiss that grin off Fíli’s face, because he couldn’t resist any longer and because he needed to be certain that Fíli was real, there. Because he yearned for the warm taste of Fíli’s tongue and lips, the soft bristle of his beard, and he didn’t care who was watching.

But Fíli leaned away, and the smile from before twisted into a look of apology, and that was something Kíli definitely didn’t want to see right now.

‘Sorry Kíli, I…’

‘No,’ Kíli cut him off gently and he took hold of one of Fíli’s hands, and it was clammy, and calloused, and he wondered briefly what Fíli’s hands had been through, what they had clung onto in desperate times. ‘No apologies. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you. You set the pace, alright?’

‘Yeah, alright,’ Fíli nodded and Kíli let his hand slip out of his own, slowly.

Both turned their heads when Thorin rised from his seat and cleared his throat.

‘My friends and family, I am pleased to see you all here tonight,’ he began with his head held high, and Kíli couldn’t help groaning. Thorin was unmatched when it came to transforming even the most informal of situations into something entirely too solemn.

‘We gather here this evening to talk of the preparations for this year’s _Baruk Khaz_ _â_ _d_ festival, which is to be held in a number of weeks. The festival itself might be free, but if we are to stay at the campsite that the organisation provides, we ought to reserve there as soon as possible. So my first question is if anyone here is in possession of one or multiple tents that we can use,’ Thorin spoke.

‘I have one for two,’ Bilbo spoke as he stood up beside Thorin, just reaching the other’s shoulders. Thorin shot him a brief glance of affection that he probably thought (and hoped) would go unnoticed by the others.

‘Don’t worry, we’ll give you all the privacy you need,’ Bofur said with a smirk, eliciting laughter from the other dwarves. Kíli felt the hairs on his forearms stand up straight when he noticed that Fíli also chuckled along, if not a bit carefully.

‘That’s Bofur. He’s the sharp one, I guess,’ Kíli said softly when Fíli turned his head and caught him staring. ‘Now I think it’s time for me to interfere, before this escalates into a fist fight due to Thorin’s ridiculously short temper.’

Fíli laughed again, and Kíli couldn’t help his chest swelling with pride. The voice in the back of his head was still here, constantly repeating that _it shouldn’t be this easy,_ but it was distant enough for Kíli to ignore it, its timbre nothing more than a faint whisper, the rustling of leaves on a windless day.

He stood up then, and Thorin, who was scowling ferociously at a completely indifferent, still grinning Bofur, turned his head towards him and for the briefest moment he made a face of utmost despair, and Kíli had to try his very best to not burst out laughing.

‘Mum has a tent we can use, Thorin, for three,’ he said, and shortly after Dori followed, saying that he had one for the rest of them.

Kíli felt deliciously foolish as most of the evening he had no idea what his uncle was talking about, distracted by every small movement coming from Fíli. The way he picked at the paper on his bottle of ice-tea, the swaying of his braids when he turned his head to look at someone… Kíli had it bad, and he knew it.

‘This is like high school all over again,’ Kíli mumbled with a sigh. ‘Fill me in will you, I didn’t hear anything Thorin said.’

Fíli raised an amused eyebrow at him.

‘You’re way too distracting,’ Kíli smirked and this time Fíli blushed, and _damnit_ he looked even cuter because of it.

‘Basically Thorin wants us all to prepare our own stuff, sleeping bags en air beds et cetera. The rest was mostly jokes from Bofur and witty comments from, uhm… Ori is his name, I believe,’ Fíli chuckled.

‘That’s all for now then,’ Thorin spoke to Kíli’s left and he sat down, which was interpreted as the meeting coming to an end. Gloin left for home and so did Dori, without Ori to everyone’s surprise. It was no secret that Dori was wary when it came to the safety of his little brother, who he always described as a _trouble-magnet_ or a comparable term. Ori, who was going through a phase that Kíli had heard Men called puberty, wasn’t doing a great job at setting Dori’s mind at rest, getting familiar with hacking and what not.

‘How in Mahal’s name did you manage to convince him you could stay?’ Kíli asked incredulously when Ori sat down on the chair opposite his and Fíli’s.

Ori looked around, as to make sure Dori was _really really_ gone. ‘An hour before we left home he told me I’d be allowed to stay if I finished all my homework for the next day,’ he said. ‘Dori, bless him, has been my brother long enough to know that I basically never do my homework, no matter what he tells me.’

‘But you did this time?’ Kíli asked.

Ori laughed. ‘Fuck no. I hacked into the school’s website and removed tomorrow’s homework for history, philosophy, geography and physics. I only left maths alone, for good measure,’ he said.

‘You didn’t do that either, did you?’ Kíli said accusingly, though he was mostly just amused.

Ori shrugged. ‘Nah. Showed him an old page of my maths notebook from 2 years ago. The exercise numbers matched, and Dori bought it. Poor bastard didn’t have a choice, had to let me stay.’

‘Well played,’ Kíli said and Ori bowed, making a portly gesture with his hand . ‘Though you do understand you have just given me excellent material to blackmail you, right?’

‘Fuck off, you wouldn’t be that cruel,’ Ori said with a laugh. ‘Now, who is your fair-haired friend here?’ he asked, nodding to Fíli.

Before Kíli could introduce the two to each other, Fíli had already reached across the table to extend his hand to Ori, who took it.

 

‘Fíli Durinson, nice to meet you,’ Fíli said with a kind smile, and Kíli was positive he was melting from the inside.

For a brief moment, Ori just stared at Fíli, their hands still interlocked. ‘Ori, pleasure’ the young dwarf said then. ‘Forgive me if I’m wrong, but you’re not the son of Víli and Sigrid Durinson, by any chance?’ he added, albeit his tone was disbelieving.

Kíli frowned and turned to look at Fíli, who clenched his jaw ever so slightly.

‘I am,’ Fíli said.

‘I’m surely missing something here, are his parents celebrities or something?’ Kíli asked, but Ori ignored him completely, eyes fixed on Fíli with a look of mixed admiration and confusion.

‘I’m a big fan of their work, must have read their research papers on the influence of magnetic fields on radioactive decay like 5 times. To hear of their deaths was a shock for scientists all over the world, I imagine,’ Ori said.

Kíli’s frown grew deeper and he turned to Fíli again, who was staring back at Ori, his blue eyes filled with so much _pain_ and Kíli felt a tiny rupture in the muscle of his heart. He had to stop this, somehow, Fíli was hurting and Ori was oblivious and he _had_ to help, _now_. But his vocal cords were made of cement, and his lips were sealed shut.

‘They disappeared,’ Fíli said, though it was barely more than a whisper, and the rupture grew bigger. Kíli looked at Ori, whose eyes had widened in shock and a blush was appearing on his cheeks.

Ori cast his eyes down and cleared his throat. ‘Yeah, yeah ofcourse, sorry, I didn’t mean to sound-‘

‘It’s alright. I know it’s… likely that they are, but nothing’s certain, so…’ Fíli said smiling, but his eyes didn’t convey the same message at all, and Kíli bit the inside of his mouth, he needed pain to distract him from the almost unbearable urge to kiss Fíli, if it meant the sorrow would leave his features.

‘Absolutely,’ Ori said quickly, obviously ashamed and eager to change the subject. ‘So are you following in their footsteps?’ he asked, hastily adding, ‘Career wise, of course.’

‘He’s in rehab at the moment,’ Kíli blurted out before he knew it. ‘And he’s doing very well.’

Kíli glanced to his side and found that _hurt_ had replaced the pain in Fíli’s eyes. And that was possibly even worse.

Ori just looked surprised, and opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again when Fíli stood up suddenly.

‘I have to go,’ he said, and started walking around the table towards the exit. Kíli’s world slowed down but for some reason he couldn’t get up from his chair. He was vaguely aware of Ori saying something to him, but his eyes were fixed on Fíli’s back, and a voice in his head laughed.

 _Don’t let him walk out that door_.

‘Fíli, wait!’ Kíli called and jumped out of his seat, his beer falling when he hit the table with his knee, which hurt, but he couldn’t care less. He started walking after Fíli, ignoring the loud noise of blood rushing through his brain, but he was forced to stop when a strong hand grabbed his arm.

‘Will you be alright?’ Dwalin asked firmly, and for a moment Kíli wanted to be furious at him for stopping him, but then the meaning of Dwalin’s words permeated.

Kíli managed a watery smile. ‘Yeah, I’ll be fine.’

Dwalin let go off his arm, and Kíli thought he heard him mutter ‘Kíli will take care of it’ to a confused and worried Bilbo, and as he ran towards the door he thanked Mahal for his friend.

He stepped outside, and he barely noticed it was freezing cold. He anxiously looked to his left and his shoulders slumped in relief when he noticed Fíli about 20 feet from him.

‘Fíli,’ he called again as he ran to catch up, and to his surprise Fíli stopped.

‘Where are you going?’ Kíli asked, facing Fíli’s back.

‘Nowhere.’

‘I’m sorry. I should have given you a chance to speak.’

Fíli turned towards him, and to Kíli’s immense relief his eyes were soft, and he hoped they would remain that way forever.

‘What the fuck am I doing, Kíli?’ Fíli asked, but his tone betrayed that he didn’t really expect an answer.

Kíli frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

Fíli smiled. ‘I don’t know.’

Kíli smiled, but felt confused by Fíli’s behaviour. ‘You’re weird,’ he said.

‘I know.’

‘Do you want me to take you home?’

Fíli shrugged. ‘I’m not sure.’

Kíli smiled, looking at the fluttering clouds formed by Fíli’s breath. ‘You haven’t  met everyone yet.’

‘I guess I’ll stay then.’

There was a short silence in which Kíli’s brain finally caught up with his skin, and realised that he was pretty fucking cold. ‘Fuck it’s cold. Come on you,’ he said and had half turned around to go back inside, when Fíli grabbed his hand.

A simple touch of skin, but it set Kíli ablaze.

Kíli let himself be pulled into Fíli’s touch, and their lips met, and if Kíli was on fire before, then now he was the sun. He opened his mouth and let Fíli’s tongue in, meanwhile placing his hands on Fíli’s waist, moving upwards and entangling his fingers in golden hair. Fíli moaned softly but the sound reverberated through Kíli’s chest, and he felt little sparks of electricity going down his spine. He needed more of Fíli, more skin, more tongue, more everything.

To his slight dejection, Fíli pulled away after a while.

‘Come on,’ he just said and walked past Fíli back to the Arkenstone.

Kíli smiled and followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'm a terrible writer :') I don't mean that as a cry for compliments, I don't expect myself to be good at it, it was just something that went through my mind when I read back my chapter. I'm happy with it, but I feel like my writing style is so cheesy and unoriginal, you know?'
> 
> idfk, I'm rambling.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meeeeerryy Christmas to everyone who celebrates it!!! :D :D This is my gift for you all, a megachapter with 4k+ words! And all those extra words are filled with.... S M U T. 
> 
> I have never ever written a smutty scene like this before haha, please let me know if it sucked (hurhur) or if it was alright to read. Feedback is always appreciated, and if there are any mistakes (I sometimes manage to mix up Fíli and Kíli during writing!) please let me know as well :D
> 
> you can follow me on the Tumbs here: http://myforlornplace.tumblr.com/

A soft squeaking caught Fíli’s attention when he walked into the living room, and found the source to be a tiny hedgehog, sitting on the armrest of Radagast’s chair. Fíli smiled at the sight of the wee creature, gazing up at him with its shiny black eyes.

‘Ah! You’ve met Sebastian, I see,’ said Radagast who walked into the room past Fíli, before proceeding to sit in the chair on which Sebastian was seated. ‘Found him in the nearby woods the other day, would you believe it! All lost, alone and confused, I simply couldn’t leave him there.’

Fíli waved at the hedgehog and sat down in the wonky chair opposite Radagast’s. Sebastian followed him with his eyes and produced several squeals while Fíli moved.

Radagast laughed. ‘He’ll fall asleep in just a moment, if we’re quiet for a bit,’ he said.

So Fíli sat still and didn’t speak, merely watched as within 30 seconds Sebastian’s eyelids started to droop, and another 10 seconds later, the hedgehog’s eyes were fully closed. Radagast gave Sebastian a gentle prod, and turned to Fíli when the creature’s eyes stayed shut.

‘Finally some quiet, eh?’ Radagast joked. ‘Now, tell me Fíli, how are you feeling?’

Fíli managed to take his eyes off peaceful Sebastian and looked at Radagast. ‘I’m alright,’ he said, and thought about that for a bit. Save for his own foolish overreaction with Kíli and Ori, he’d had a wonderful night. No one had spoken off his sudden get-away, instead they pretended like nothing had happened at all, for which Fíli was very thankful. He ended up playing darts with Bofur, Kíli and Dwalin, and he won almost all games, though they didn’t play very seriously and lost the score several times.

Bofur was definitely the funny one, as Kíli had said before. He was sharp (even more so when he was drunk, it turned out), lively, and there was a salted twinkle in his eyes that made it seem like he was always up to something. He sung as well, jolly upbeat songs that he wrote himself and had everyone clapping and laughing.

Dwalin Fíli had met before, but only the intoxicated version, so it didn’t really count. Reasonably sober Dwalin was, firstly, a lot easier to understand, and secondly a lot nicer. Gruff, yes, but not unkind or unfunny. He even _smiled_ a couple of times.

He felt like he was living for himself again. Instead of living for Bilbo, for his parents, for anyone. And he knew it was all because of Kíli. Beautiful, irresistible, sweet Kíli, who made him feel confident, happier, determined, who made him feel everything he couldn’t feel before. And it was wonderful, and it was all he wanted, and it was dangerous and it had to stop. Because Fíli knew what was coming, not _where_ or _when,_ but he knew _what_. And Kíli would only make it harder.

But all decisions from before would melt under his skin when he looked into those kind brown eyes. Eyes that were full of joy, even though they had seen so much hardship. Fíli cursed those eyes when Kíli wasn’t anywhere near him, cursed himself for doing that one thing that he couldn’t allow himself to do.

Fall in love.

But it was so mind-blowingly _easy_ , and nothing had been easy for so long in Fíli’s life, thus he let himself be weakened.

Maybe he wasn’t alright.

But he couldn’t.

‘Are you sure?’ Radagast asked with an almost knowing undertone, as if Fíli had just spilled his thoughts all over the little coffee table between them.

‘Yeah,’ he replied, and Radagast looked convinced.

‘Good,’ the man said with a pleased smile. ‘I’d like to continue where we left off last time, if you don’t mind. You told me your parents were scientists working in the gem-industry, correct?’

Fíli nodded.

‘And that is all you knew of their job?’

Fíli’s swallowed at the question. He stared at his feet, trying not to give away what was happening inside his head. This was proving difficult with his heart beating speeding up in the safety of his ribcage, and Fíli tried fervently to think of something to say. Before he could, however, Radagast spoke.

‘I mean, it’s a long time ago. You were only a child, it would be understandable if you don’t remember much else,’ he said rather casually, and when Fíli looked up he saw that Radagast was tenderly petting Sebastian, motioning his fingers from his tiny face to his back.

‘Hmm,’ Fíli said slowly, relieved, and couldn’t help smiling again. ‘Yeah, don’t really remember, sorry.’

‘Oh that’s quite alright,’ Radagast said and turned to Fíli again, and there was a smile on his face but his eyes were serious.

It was always eyes that spoke reality, Fíli knew.  

‘Are you angry with your parents, Fíli?’ he asked, and the room darkened, like clouds were obscuring the rays of sun falling inside the room, like the blood on the windows formed a curtain.

‘Yes,’ Fíli replied.

‘Why?’ Radagast said immediately, but not unkindly.

‘They left me,’ Fíli said, and was preparing to say more, but Radagast cut him off.

‘Why?’

Fíli blinked at the suddenness of the question. ‘I don’t know.’

Radagast looked at him strangely. ‘You don’t know if you blame them for anything?’

Fíli frowned. ‘What?’

‘I asked if you blamed them for anything, Fíli,’ said Radagast. He sounded far away, like he was on the other side of the window, outside, and Fíli wanted to look around but he knew it’d be weird. He took a deep breath. He looked at Sebastian and took another one.

‘I’m sorry,’ Fíli said. ‘I must have misheard the question.’

‘Have you been taking your medicine, Fíli?’ Radagast questioned, and the noise was back, so Fíli fixed his eyes once again on Sebastian, the harmful little creature who could just go to sleep whenever he wanted to, who could just shut the world outside, turn the lights off and die for a couple of hours.

‘No,’ Fíli answered, voice ragged and hoarse.

‘Why not?’

‘I… forgot,’ Fíli said with a sound that wasn’t his own. It resonated with ugliness, deformity, disease. Maybe it was his own.

‘ _Liar,’_ it echoed loudly within his skull, tiny voices bouncing from the stem of his brain to the back of his head, equipped with blades, piercing cells one by one. Fíli just waited for blood to fully obfuscate his already blurry vision.

Instead, a pair of clear blue-green eyes appeared, and he tried to focus on them. He wanted to know who they belonged to. Were they mum’s? Dad’s?

Slowly he began to see more detail, yet all he still heard was dull noise. The eyes he was staring in to turned out to be more blue than green, and they were old eyes that belonged to someone who had seen the wonders of the world, the highest of mountains and clearest of rivers, the pure sky in the South and the trees in the East.

Fíli carefully looked around, and found wooden walls decorated with paintings, simple furniture and he remembered where he was, and whose eyes he had been staring into. Radagast.

‘Fíli, can you hear me?’ Fíli heard, and recognised the timbre of his therapist’s voice. It sounded muffled, but he could understand it, so he nodded as confirmation.

‘Good, Bilbo is here to take you home, we’ll continue next time,’ Radagast said with a small smile, before standing up and removing himself from Fíli’s direct line of view.

‘Bilbo?’ Fíli questioned. He felt tired, drained, empty, unable to focus on anything but the heaviness of his limbs. ‘When did he get here? What happened to me?’

‘About twenty minutes ago,’ Bilbo’s voice sounded to Fíli’s left. He turned his head slowly and looked in the Hobbit’s eyes, filled with blues of worry and pain, yet also a peculiar shade of determined green. He was wearing a familiar red cardigan under his coat, a thick scarf, and as usual no shoes or even socks. Fíli had never been happier to see anyone his entire life.

‘Bilbo…’ he breathed with a watery smile, standing up and feeling the joints in his knees creak was a strange experience. He felt old, worn out and wanted nothing but sleep. He walked towards Bilbo, who welcomed him into his arms, and let him sob in his shoulder.

Fíli wasn’t sure if he was crying out of happiness or sadness, but getting rid of all the tears felt somewhat like cleansing his body of all the leftover poisons that was still lurking inside.

The ride home felt somewhat surreal, and even though Fíli still felt like he would fall asleep if he closed his eyes for longer than two seconds, his muscles warmed up and his brain seemed to snap back in normal mode, which resulted in questions amassing in his head.

‘You had been there for 20 minutes?’ he asked when Bilbo closed the door to the apartment. ‘I’m just confused,’ he added when he saw a sort of apologetic look appear on Bilbo’s face. ‘What happened? I don’t recall you arriving at all. In fact, my memory of what just went down is filled with holes.’

Bilbo opened his mouth, seemingly hesitant to speak.

‘Come on, Bilbo,’ Fíli insisted. ‘What the fuck happened? What did I do?’

Bilbo sighed. ‘Nothing. You just sat there, staring blankly at that little hedgehog. Whenever we tried to communicate with you, you just stared at us instead. You said some… things that didn’t make much sense, but other than that-‘

‘Woah, what things?’ Fíli interrupted. This sounded scary, he had no memory at all of Bilbo and Radagast talking to him, except from when Radagast asked if he could hear him. What happened before that he didn’t know, only that it was filled with an unhealthy amount of thoughts and noise.

‘Nothing that made much sense, as I said, don’t worry,’ Bilbo shushed, and then a silence fell. ‘Except…’ Bilbo said then, biting his lip and Fíli’s stomach lurched.

‘Except one name that recurred quite often.’

‘Who,’ Fíli demanded, but he already knew.

‘Kíli,’ Bilbo said, and Fíli didn’t miss the somewhat sorrowful smile that his lips curled into for a split second.

‘We kissed,’ Fíli blurted out.

The smile was back. ‘I suspected something like that,’ Bilbo said. ‘When Dwalin stopped me from going after you two the night of the meeting, I knew something must have been going on.’

‘I can’t stop thinking about him,’ Fíli said with a frown, directed at both Bilbo and himself. It felt like a statement as much as it felt like a realisation.

Bilbo chuckled at that. ‘I know the feeling.’

~

Fíli slept brilliantly that night, with help of his medicine, and when he finally woke up it was almost noon. Looking around, he realised not for the first time that he never felt at home here. Everything in the apartment belonged to the centre, or to Bilbo. There was nothing from his old house, nothing that reminded him of his childhood with his parents.

Fíli was overwhelmed by a strange wave of melancholy when he heard Bilbo humming a merry tune in the kitchen. He wrapped himself tightly in blankets, and thought about how fucked up everything was. He was so done with all of the stupid bullshit his brain made him go through, and yet he would go through it all again if it would let him and Kíli have a shot at… something. It was all he wanted, something he had wanted from the moment he had realised what the meaning was of the looks his parents used to exchange with each other. Affection, openness. It killed him that he would probably never get to experience that kind of love, yet it was the only reason he held on. Because he still had hope, fucking idiot that he was.

Fíli kicked the sheets away in frustration and got up from his bed. Standing in front of the mirror, he was almost surprised to see a man staring back at him, and not a boy. A man with long golden manes that reached his shoulders, and a long stubble that could use a slight trim. A man with sad, light blue eyes.

He got dressed and walked out of his room, grinning when the smell of bacon and eggs came to welcome him.

Bilbo stood by the cooking range, smiling at something on his phone. He turned when he heard Fíli’s footsteps and smiled widely. ‘About time you crawled out of bed! We’ve got a lot to do today, buddy!’

Fíli frowned as he sat down. ‘Do we?’

‘Oh you bet we do,’ Bilbo said. He skilfully flipped the omelette with one hand while typing something on his phone using the other, and then flopped it on an plate alongside the bacon and beans in tomato sauce.

‘Fuck yeah,’ Fíli rejoiced when Bilbo put the plate in front of his nose.

‘Language,’ Bilbo scolded flippantly, and sat down opposite Fíli.

‘You said we had to get stuff done?’ Fíli managed in between chomping away at his breakfast.

‘I thought we could go shopping for some final supplies for the festival? It’s almost upon us, my friend,’ Bilbo said wisely.

Fíli wasn’t sure what was going on, but he liked it. After what had happened at Radagast’s the day before, he had expected Bilbo to be all fussy and solicitous. In fact it seemed like quite the opposite.

‘Fine,’ Fíli said and decided to play along with acting-all-unexpected. ‘But I still want to talk about what happened yesterday at some point, okay?’

Bilbo looked at him in surprise for a few seconds, and Fíli couldn’t help smirking just a little bit.

‘Yeah, of course,’ Bilbo said. ‘I’m having dinner with Thorin though, there is lasagne in the fridge to microwave.’

‘You are a legend,’ Fíli praised and Bilbo laughed.

~

They had arrived home with a big yellow flashlight, an air mattress and sleeping bag for Fíli (both grey, to Bilbo’s disappointment), and some other camping utilities that Bilbo had insisted on buying, even though Fíli was pretty sure they wouldn’t  need the majority of them.

Shortly afterwards, Bilbo left for his dinner with Thorin, and it was around dinner time, so Fíli got the plastic container with Bilbo’s famous lasagne from the fridge, and slid it into the microwave.

All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door.

Fíli grinned, assuming that it was Bilbo who had come back for something he forgot. Needless to say he was very surprised when he opened the door and saw Kíli.

‘Hey,’ he said, trying to peek behind Fíli. ‘Is this a bad time?’

‘You mean: is Bilbo here?’ Fíli said with a smirk, and the look on Kíli’s face could be best described as guilty.

‘I’m actually microwaving some food right now,’ Fíli said. ‘But I don’t think there’s enough for two.’

Kíli shrugged. ‘I had lunch with Dwalin at Bombur’s today. I’m as full as I can be.’

Fíli laughed and gestured for Kíli to come inside, and closed the door behind them. When he turned around, he had about half a second before Kíli lips crashed into his, and he stumbled back and almost fell. Kíli quickly manoeuvred his arm around Fíli’s waist to keep that from happening, and broke the kiss.

‘Shit, sorry,’ he said, cheeks flustered. ‘I just couldn’t resist.’

Fíli felt his heartbeat quicken, just because of the warm touch of Kíli’s strong arm on his lower back. ‘No worries,’ he said with a nervous chuckle and straightened himself so they were on eye level again. Kíli smiled and removed his hand from Fíli, who was unpleasantly surprised by how cold the spot felt afterwards.

They were still standing close to each other, and Fíli wondered if Kíli’s head was filled with the same gorgeous music as his head was. Nothing coherent, just harmonious sounds sweeping from left to right, from back to front, evolving constantly yet always remaining beautiful.

Kíli moved his hand towards Fíli’s face and brushed a streak of hair from it, before following the line of one cheekbone with his fingers. The scraping sound of beard against skin sent sparks of electricity through Fíli’s body, and he was overwhelmed by a fierce desire for Kíli to kiss him.

He did, thankfully.

The contact was soft this time, beginning as a mere brush of their lips. Kíli moved in closer and Fíli shuddered when his hand found its way to his back again, gently pulling him in. There was no way that Fíli would ever be able to make any sense of what his crazy mind was telling him to do, so he gave up the bit of control he still had in him, and opened his mouth to Kíli’s tongue. The kiss deepened and Fíli felt himself going dizzy with want and lust, and he would have been scared of those feelings if he was in any other situation.

But not with Kíli.

Fíli couldn’t suppress a gasp when Kíli slid his free hand under his shirt and started exploring the skin underneath. Fíli kissed back hungrily and elicited a moan from Kíli when their groins brushed together, just slightly.

 ‘I want you so bad right now,’ Kíli said when he broke the kiss, eyes dark with a lust that Fíli knew was mirrored in his own eyes.

‘No… lube… or… condoms,’ Fíli managed between kisses, and Kíli groaned lazily in his mouth. He reluctantly let go off Fíli, took his arm and started dragging him to the door.

‘Kee, what the fuck?’ Fíli laughed while he followed Kíli outside through the same fire-exit they used on the night of their first kiss, after quickly turning off the microwave. As much as he loved Bilbo’s lasagne, his head was somewhere else completely right now.

‘My place,’ Kíli grumbled, voice thick with desire. Fíli followed.

~

‘That was the longest, most horrible public transport experience I’ve ever had,’ Kíli sighed as he closed the door of his apartment. ‘All I could think about was seeing you without clothes on.’

A hot shiver of anticipation went through Fíli’s body at those words, and before he knew it he was pinned up against the wall, Kíli’s tongue inside his mouth, and then there were clothes on the ground and the electrifying sensation of skin on skin.

Kíli was all graceful muscles from working in the mines, and his chest was covered in a neat amount of dark brown hair, perfectly in contrast with the light blonde fur decorating Fíli’s own chest. Kíli pushed into him even more and moved his tongue from Fíli’s mouth to his neck, licking and leaving small bites. Fíli couldn’t care less if those would show later.

Fíli almost laughed at the tickling of Kíli’s stubble against his bare skin, and wrapped his hand around Kíli’s waist before fumbling with the belt. He squirmed when Kíli laughed hot breath on his skin because he failed to undo the bloody thing.

‘The fuck is with this belt,’ Fíli said impatiently and Kíli moved back with a chuckle so he could undo it himself. He pushed his jeans and boxers down and Fíli eagerly took in the sight of Kíli’s hard cock, twitching slightly.

‘Your turn,’ Kíli commanded with a sideways grin and Fíli laughed before stripping himself of his own remaining clothing. ‘Fuck you’re perfect,’ Kíli breathed as he hungrily drank from the image. He spoke in the heat of the moment, but for Fíli the words meant more than anything. He had forgotten just how beautiful intimacy could be, and the fact that Kíli thought he looked perfect made his heart sing.

‘Bedroom,’ were Kíli’s next words and Fíli followed him there, touching and kissing along the way.

They flopped on the bed, both laughing, and Kíli was on top in no time. ‘You called me Kee earlier,’ he said with a smile. ‘Does that mean I can call you Fee?’

Fíli just stared for a while, trying to grasp the moment, trying to understand how he had made it onto a bed with Kíli. He brushed a strand of brown hair from Kíli’s face and tucked it behind his ear, copying Kíli’s same action from before. ‘I guess it does,’ he said, and Kíli’s smile grew even wider before he leaned in to kiss him, tenderly.

Fíli gasped when Kíli moved to his neck and his ear, and he closed his eyes because the simple sensation of hot air touching his skin made him almost lose control all together. And then he felt Kíli moving down, placing kisses on his chest and nipples along the way, and Fíli felt it safe to open his eyes again.

Just in time to see Kíli taking his cock in his hands, and stroking it gently. Fíli shuddered and gasped again, unable to focus on anything but the music in his head that was louder than ever, the colours he saw when he closed his eyes. And yet he could still hear every little sound coming from Kíli as he ran his tongue over the tip, and then proceeded to lower his mouth over Fíli’s cock and started to suck.

‘Ohhh _fuck_ ,’ Fíli breathed and he let his head fall back, felt himself go limb, dissolved into the sheets and for a full 5 seconds, he felt completely, and utterly _peaceful_. Then his eyes shot open when he felt his climax approaching rapidly, and he wanted to warn Kíli before it happened but he couldn’t open his mouth to do so.

‘Kee… I’m gonna, I’m…’ he managed, and he was vaguely aware of Kíli’s mouth sliding wetly of his cock, right before he came all over himself, and his eyes were open but he couldn’t really see anything, too drunk with pleasure and ecstasy. He let out a shaky laugh when a strong and warm body engulfed him.

A wave of energy went through Fíli and he lifted Kíli from himself and managed to flop him on his back, delighted at the look of surprise on Kíli’s face. He then let his eyes drift to Kíli’s dick, and his heart skipped a beat. ‘I think I want to return the favour,’ he said and was briefly surprised by how low and heavy his own voice sounded, like he was an entirely different person.

‘I’m not saying no to that,’ Kíli said with a smug grin, and so Fíli crawled back until his face was level with Kíli’s hips. He teased first, lazily flicking his tongue and lips across Kíli’s shaft and tip, never taking it in his mouth completely. He smirked when he looked up and saw that Kíli was watching him intently with dark eyes, obviously wanting him to go further but too loaded with pleasure to ask.

Fíli decided Kíli had waited long enough, so he opened his mouth and took Kíli’s cock in fully, pressing his lips on the skin around the base. He tried to keep it in as long as he could, happy to hear multiple moans of exhilaration coming from Kíli above him. After about 10 seconds he started to feel lightheaded, and he slid his mouth of Kíli to get some air, right when Kíli climaxed, half his load hitting Fíli in the face, and the rest drooping from himself like syrup.

Fíli grinned at the sight, and in an act of boldness he licked a bit of cum from the corner of his mouth, and then leaned in to kiss Kíli, who hungrily took it without any hint of objection.

Heated kisses became tender ones and tender ones became pecks. Fíli cleaned himself and Kíli with a nearby towel, and laid his head to rest on Kíli’s chest.

‘I should let Bilbo know I’m with you,’ Fíli said, enjoying Kíli’s steady breathing underneath him.

‘He knows about us?’ Kíli asked.

Fíli nodded slowly.

‘Cool,’ Kíli said. ‘Dwalin does too.’

‘Cool,’ Fíli said and they both chuckled at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.

‘Can you stay with me tonight?’ Kíli asked after a while, and Fíli lifted up his head to look at him. Kíli’s eyes were soft, and genuine, and so full of adoration that it almost scared him. For a fraction of a second Fíli doubted. Then he succumbed, and he wanted to hate himself for it but he couldn’t.

‘I’d like that,’ he said, and all doubt was definitively erased when Kíli rewarded him with a dazzling smile. ‘I’d have to ask Bilbo though, he’s out with Thorin.’

‘Let’s give the two lovebirds a call then,’ Kíli said and reached to the bedside table for his phone.

Fíli thought he should be scared, or anxious, or nervous, but all he could bring himself to care about at that moment was Kíli, sitting upright with his back against a pillow, talking to Thorin and later to Bilbo on the phone.

‘Bilbo insisted on bringing you your sleeping meds, but otherwise we’re good,’ Kíli said after he threw his phone back on the table beside the bed. ‘Though I bet you won’t need them after what we’re going to do tonight,’ he added and waggled his eyebrows.

Fíli burst out laughing and Kíli joined in. Fíli pulled the covers over them and manoeuvred himself next to Kíli, taking the position of little spoon. Kíli swung a warm arm around him, and 10 minutes later they were both asleep, Fíli with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, since I won't be posting until 2016, I wish you all a very happy and safe end of 2015!! Thank you all so much for your support on this story, it means the absolute world to me.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geeeeeez that took me a while ^^'
> 
> Would seriously love to update more, but my time management just doesn't allow it... Oh and I have like a billion things to do for school and work uuurrrghhhh.
> 
> Do enjoy the chapter though!

Kíli opened his eyes when he thought heard the bell ring. For a half-asleep second he frowned at the neck he had his face buried in, and then remembered who it belonged to. His heart skipped a beat in his chest and a tremor went through his body when he became aware of Fíli’s weight next to him, the mellow smell of sweat and the peaceful sound of his breathing.

Kíli blinked when the bell rang again, somewhat annoyed that someone dared him to get up and leave the comfort of his bed and Fíli. Then he remembered who it would most likely be, so he quietly slipped out of the bed without waking the sleeping beauty in his bed, got dressed in some sweatpants and an old T-shirt, and went to open the door.

In the opening were a rather dishevelled looking Thorin (who was grinning) and Bilbo, the latter with a small bottle of medicine in his hand.

‘Morning Kíli,’ said Thorin with a smile.

‘Morning,’ Kíli said before frowning. ‘Morning? Wait, what time is it?’

‘3 am,’ Bilbo said, suppressing a yawn and Kíli noticed he looked particularly tired. ‘I promised I’d bring the medicine,’ he said, extending his hand with the bottle to Kíli, who took it.

‘Thanks. Won’t need them tonight though, he’s already sleeping like a rock,’ Kíli said. ‘Why are you guys so late anyway?’

Thorin went back to grinning smugly, which earned him a scowl from Bilbo.

‘Just had some stuff that I had to take care of,’ the Hobbit said, and behind him Thorin pointed at himself with both fingers while mouthing something that looked very much like _‘I’m stuff!_ ’

Bilbo gave Thorin a rather unimpressive shove and Kíli snorted. ‘Right. Would love to hear more details, but I’d love to jump back into bed with Fee even more. You two have a good night,’ he said and was about to close the door, but an exasperated Bilbo cut him off.

‘Fee? You’re calling each other by nicknames already? And you’re sleeping in the same bed?’

Kíli frowned. ‘Yes? I thought that was obvious when I said he’d sleep at my place,’ he said, but felt that he was starting to blush under Bilbo’s scrutiny. ‘I mean it’s just sleeping! Not that we didn’t do anything else. In the, uhm… bed I mean. Besides sleeping.’

He was stammering now, Bilbo giving him an entirely unimpressed look while Thorin was, again, grinning smugly, this time at Kíli’s expense.

‘I’m an adult and I can make my own choices,’ Kíli grumbled then, and closed the door awkwardly. He rolled his eyes when he heard Thorin’s deep laughter coming from the other side.

When he entered the bedroom, he noticed in the dark that Fíli was awake, though he looked sleepy. ‘Sorry if we woke you,’ Kíli said with a small smile while he undressed to his boxers. ‘Bilbo brought your meds, do you think you need them?’

Fíli shook his head, and Kíli slid back under the duvet and he was overwhelmed by how pleasant it was to simply have someone else next to him. For a while they just stared at the ceiling, fingers entwined under the covers, and Kíli was helpless, his heart flying and his skin burning with love for the blonde dwarf that he shared his bed with.

He turned his head to the side to see if Fíli was still awake, and saw that he was. But there was a tear rolling down his cheek, and Kíli’s heart crashed, and the burning became instantly unbearable.

‘Hey, hey Fee. Are you okay? What is it?’ he whispered, moving closer and turning fully on his side now, wiping the tear from Fíli’s cheekbone.

‘I’m alright, I’m okay,’ Fíli said quickly, diverting his eyes but the tremor in his voice was unmistakeable. ‘Fuck, I…’ he began but he didn’t get any further, the tears now streaming down his face and Kíli was lost, so he rolled on his back again and pulled Fíli closer to him instead, so that his head was resting on Kíli’s shoulder.

Fíli sobbed quietly and Kíli soothed him as best he could, keeping him as close as possible, though his own eyes had started watering as well. After a couple of minutes Fíli stopped crying, but he didn’t move back to his previous position.

‘Want to talk about it?’ Kíli asked invitingly, wanting to share whatever burden that was on Fíli.

It was quiet for a moment. ‘No, it’s alright,’ Fíli said, and Kíli’s heart sank a little when he didn’t say anything else. Didn’t Fíli trust him? Or was he really alright? People didn’t just start crying for no reason, did they?

‘Okay,’ Kíli whispered, deciding that Fíli was probably just tired and overwhelmed, and needed some rest and warmth. And so Fíli fell asleep, and shortly afterwards so did Fíli, and outside the mountain was caressed by wind and rain.

~

The morning came, and Kíli slowly opened one eye to see Fíli, still asleep, on the other side of the bed. His head had rolled of Kíli’s shoulder sometime in the night, and now he was one his back, looking more peaceful than Kíli had ever seen him. And it struck him then that he rarely saw Fíli without tense shoulders, curves in his forehead, and he was determined to change that.

He waited till Fíli woke, watching his breathing and the occasional fluttering of his eyelids, the light from the artificial window highlighting his sharp features.

Kíli rolled his eyes at himself for _actually fucking_ watching someone else sleep, like he was in some soppy romantic comedy.

Then, ever so slowly, Fíli’s eyes opened and he squinted at the light. His gaze drifted to Kíli and their eyes met, and Kíli knew he was smiling.

Fíli closed his eyes again and his lips curled up into a content smile, revealing the dimples that Kíli loved to see so much.

‘Sleep well?’ Kíli asked and to his relief Fíli nodded, still smiling with his eyes closed. With no real reason, besides that he wanted to make sure that Fíli was real, Kíli reached out and placed his hand softly on Fíli’s cheek, tickled by his bristly beard.

This caused Fíli to open his eyes again, and he stared at Kíli with a sort of wondrous look on his face. ‘Should I shave it? I know it’s not common for Dwarves to do so, but…’ he said then.

Kíli shrugged. ‘Only if you want to. Do you want to?’

Fíli shrugged also. ‘Do you want me to?’

Kíli smiled. ‘I wouldn’t care if your beard was a meter long or if your chin was as smooth as a polished diamond,’ he said. ‘Though I must say this length makes kissing you every 10 seconds pretty fucking tempting.’

Fíli blushed but didn’t look away. He seemed to hesitate for a moment but then he whispered, ‘then kiss me.’

Kíli blinked, and then pushed back the duvet, sat up on his knees, and swung one leg over Fíli so that he was leaning over him. Fíli was looking a little flustered over all the effort, so Kíli slowly leaned while closing his eyes, and softly placed his lips on Fíli’s.

It didn’t take long for the kiss to grow heated, and Kíli felt a shock run through Fíli when suddenly their groins brushed. He noticed with some satisfaction that, like himself, Fíli was getting hard and he smiled when he broke the kiss. The smile faltered slightly when Kíli saw that Fíli’s normally azure blue eyes had gone dark with lust, just like the night before and it was like he could see the entire universe in those eyes. Because they were empty, made up of dark colossal voids where only the emotionless could survive. Because being alone is only bearable if you can’t feel.

Kíli should have understood, but the sensation of physical touch and the sharing of breaths overruled everything. So he drowned mindlessly in Fíli’s eyes, and 10 minutes later he surfaced again, breathing heavily and with the remainder of pleasure on his stomach.

Fíli, who was in a similar position next to him, slowly slipped his hand into Kíli’s, and they layed there for a while, naked, thinking about entirely different things.

~

It was late in the afternoon when the two finally emerged from bed, and it was again due to the ringing of the doorbell.

‘Coming!’ Kíli yelled as he got dressed in record time and threw to Fíli his dark blue bathrobe that he got from Thorin a couple of birthdays ago.

On one foot he hopped towards the door, while getting his other foot inside a black sock. He’d just managed that when he opened the door to find Gandalf standing before him. As always, he threw Kíli off with his clothing, this time dressed in jeans, a white shirt with a V-neck and a… leather jacket? It looked so ridiculously casual and hip that it was _actually_ weird.

‘Oh, hey Gandalf. What’s up?’ Kíli asked, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.

Gandalf eyed him for a moment. ‘You have company,’ he stated then, as if it was obvious from the angle that the door was making with the wall, or the weather outside.

‘I…’ Kíli stammered, frowning. ‘How did you know?’

Gandalf smiled kindly at him, but didn’t answer. ‘Should I come back later? It would be no trouble at all.’

Kíli shook his head quickly, his mind still boggled. ‘No, no, please come in,’ he said, and opened the door to let Gandalf pass. He turned around just in time to see Fíli shuffle into the room, and he was surprised again by how simply looking at Fíli could take his breath away. This had to be love, right? The question arose in his head often, but the answer didn’t show itself yet. Kíli only knew that Fíli made him feel like he had a _true_ purpose, like he was the personification of all that Kíli didn’t know he needed. But now that it was so close to him, he needed it dearly, and desperately, and it scared him how he was already unable to imagine what a life without Fíli would be like.

Love is scary. People can say whatever the fuck they want about it, but the one thing that love will always be, is scary.

Fíli shot him a quick smile, and then he noticed Gandalf, who quickly strode forward to introduce himself.

‘Well met, master Dwarf! My name is Gandalf,’ said Gandalf, cheerfully shaking the hand of a blushing Fíli, who (thank Mahal) had tied the bathrobe’s rope tightly around his waist.

‘Fíli, nice to meet you,’ Fíli said quickly, smiling politely but clearly having no idea who Gandalf was or could be.

Gandalf turned back to Kíli, not paying even the tiniest bit of attention to the fact that a Dwarf wearing only a deep blue bathrobe just came out of Kíli’s bedroom. Kíli wondered if Gandalf was being extremely polite or oblivious. He also wondered why he had let Gandalf in in the first place, and shot Fíli an apologetic smile.

‘In fact, I only-’ Gandalf began.

‘Would you like something to drink?’ Kíli blurted out, screaming internally at himself instantly afterwards.

Gandalf arched a confused eyebrow, as if the question was a difficult math problem. ‘That would be lovely actually,’ he said then. ‘Do you have coffee?’

‘Sure,’ Kíli said. ‘Do you want some, Fee?’ he asked as he poured water into the electric water boiler and turned it on. ‘I should also have tea lying around here somewhere,’ he muttered half to himself.

‘No I’m uh… I’m good,’ Fíli said and an awkward silence fell. ‘I’ll just go and get dressed,’ he added, the final words spoken under his breath, before he practically ran back into the bedroom, his head down and his tread tense.

And Kíli felt like an asshole. Gandalf however, still seemed completely unfazed by the situation and leisurely strolled around the apartment. Kíli focussed on trying to think of a way to get Gandalf away as soon as possible.

‘You were saying earlier?’ Kíli asked.

The water boiler made a ping noise, and Kíli poured a hot cup of coffee for both himself and for Gandalf, which he put down on the kitchen table.

‘Thank you,’ Gandalf said and took hold of the cup. ‘I just wanted to inform you that I am leaving Erebor for a couple of days, and you won’t be able to reach me where I am.’

Kíli thought that was weird, but didn’t dwell on it. ‘That’s cool. Where are you going?’

Gandalf seemed to hesitate. ‘With all respect, dear Kíli, that is a matter of my own. Though I will surely let you know when I have returned.’

The sudden sternness surprised Kíli, but he held himself. ‘Yeah, of course, sorry. None of my business anyway,’ he said with a smile, which Gandalf returned.

‘You didn’t mean anything by it,’ the old man said. ‘I will have to leave again though, I do have some other errands to run.’

 _‘But what about your coffee?’_ Kíli had wanted to say, but he noticed with some confusion that Gandalf’s cup was standing empty on the table. He couldn’t recall seeing him drink from it, which he proceeded to blame on the fact that he had only just woken.

He showed Gandalf out, and then hurried to the bedroom.

He found Fíli sitting on the side of the bed, looking up from a book when Kíli entered.

‘Hey,’ Kíli said as he sat down next to Fíli. ‘Sorry about that.’

Fíli smiled. ‘Doesn’t matter,’ he said, and it was quiet for a bit. ‘He was funny,’ Fíli chuckled then.

Kíli laughed. ‘You can say that again. Class one landlord though,’ he said, and then looked down at the book Fíli had been reading when he came in, now closed. He recognised the book as one of his own, a collection of old Elvish poems, some dating as far back as the First Age. ‘Do you read Sindarin?’ he asked.

Fíli shook his head, and he seemed a bit saddened.

Kíli moved closer and nudged Fíli, so that he looked up at him. ‘I’ll teach you, if you want.’

‘Yeah,’ said Fíli, and he smiled. Kíli lifted gingerly cupped Fíli’s face and kissed him.

Before it could turn into something more, Fíli broke the kiss, and simply rested his forehead against Kíli’s for a while. ‘I should get going,’ he said reluctantly, stealing another taste from Kíli’s lips.

‘I’ll take you,’ Kíli said.

And so Kíli brough Fíli back to the clinic, where they kissed again.

‘I’ll see you in two days, for the festival,’ Kíli said.

‘Can’t wait,’ Fíli said with a smile, and headed inside.

Kíli stared at the closed door for maybe another minute, and then left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I really tried to make the reader feel uneasy in this chapter, at some points at least (I have reason for this :P). I hope I succeeded somewhat!


	17. Note from the writer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to keep you all in the dark.

Hi, this is the writer of this story. 

First of all, apologies for bringing this to you almost 2 months after I last updated this story. I know this is an easy excuse, but I've been busy...

Music is my greatest passion. I like writing, I like drawing, I like quite a lot of things, but I love music. I work very hard so I can get into the study of my choice, which means that I don't have much free time. And when I do have free time, I spend it making more music, for myself and for my listeners online. 

I've only tried writing one other story before this one, which I used as a vent to deal with my struggles with coming out. When I had eventually come out, I couldn't continue writing that story. 

Bound By Fate is different than that. It sprouted from an inspired idea I had, and I'm actually very proud of the fact that I have the whole storyline figured out already. But pushing myself to write for it is incredibly difficult, and I find obstacles that I don't think I can overcome yet.

I don't want to say that this is the end of this story! Not at all! But I feel like maybe I should make things a bit easier for myself (fuck's sake I sound like I have the most difficult life, I really don't but this is the only way I think I can phrase it). 

Starting hopefully soon, I will start posting chapters of a new (also Tolkien, not FiKi though) story I've had ideas for lately. But it's going to be very different from Bound By Fate, in style and arrangement mostly. I'm not going to set word goals anymore, so it will have chapters of varying lenghts. I will pay less attention to continuity and order, meaning that I will try in each chapter to portray only one or a few scenes, instead of, for example, a day in the life of the main chapter. I will just write the words, and try not to obsess with making it all perfect.

I need to learn what type of "writer" I am before I continue Bound By Fate. I'm very sorry for that. 

Again, this does not necessarily mean the end of Bound By Fate. I've got a plotline in my head that could, in my opinion, be really great. I guess I want to make sure it will actually reach its full potential.

I hope this made some sense! Thank you if you are reading this :) Feel free to ask me things about this in the comments, I will gladly answer all of your questions. 

I'm sorry for making you wait so long. I hope you will stick with me, but you don't have to. I hope I will one day finish this, I truly do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask me anything you want :)


End file.
